"Fruitful Error"

Today I learned...

Not to beat a concept to death. If the kids get it, move on. Spend that precious time instead on learning something they don't already have mastered.

Not to beat myself up too much. I had both my co-op and my principal tell me not to beat myself up about things that happened today...and I needed to hear it from both of them. There's no way I would've ever told myself not to do that.

Really, some days of the week are always going to be the hardest just because of the schedule. Like Thursdays where we have 3 specials in addition to library time. If I were a 2nd grader looking at that kinda day, I'd hardly be able to contain my excitement, too.

On an unrelated note, I stopped at Target on the way home from the post office today. I had to stop there anyway, but I took some time to just wander through the home aisles again. I love dreaming of what my home will look like. And then...

I found dishes.

Slowly but surely, even the details are falling into place.

And then I came home to 3 pieces of mail, including a new battery for my laptop. I am mobile once more for the first time since sophomore year of college. Oh, the rush of freedom. :)

Today was a good, good day...even if some of the learning was rough.

~"Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own corrections. You can keep your sterile truth for yourself." [-Vilfredo Pereto]~

Learning

Encouragement.

Lifted up for the day. Lifted the day up. [faith, hope, and love.]

Realization: I'm harder on myself than ever before at a time when I'm supposed to be growing the most.

Grasping at the future and the past all at once, reminding myself of where I'm going and yet trying to reach for everything that got me this far all at once.

Not wanting to go at it alone. Being reminded that I'm not. That I am equipped. [Thank you.]

Trying to be supportive while inwardly crying out like a little girl for approval, for knowing I'm doing something right, trying to pretend I'm stronger than I really am.

[I am stronger than I think sometimes, but nowhere near as strong as I sometimes lead people to believe.]

Sometimes the smile I see on my second graders' faces match the one I have one the inside -- the unsure, shy one asking, "Am I doing this right?"

Whisper words of wisdom:

"Let it be."

[The Beatles]

Blocked

There's such a thing as writer's block...but is there such a thing as teacher's block?

There has to be some way to squash this feeling that I can't do this.

Not teaching overall, just 2nd grade.

I'll survive 4.5 more weeks of this, I know, but I want to do more than survive it. I want to teach those kids. I want to learn. I want to make the most of it. But selfishly, what I really want is to be able to believe in myself.

I have to start taking over the whole day soon. Visions of all the ways anarchy can break out run through my head regularly.

Did I mention our room is one of the ones closest to the front office?

At least if anarchy broke out, I'd hope that means help would come quickly.

I joke, but really...I ask for your prayers. This greenhorn has so, so much to come to terms with.

~"I speak the truth." [one of my 2nd graders today...he said it jokingly; I use it in all seriousness]~

Fear and Strength

A meeting opened the door...

to thoughts of future meetings in different places.

(but maybe this same place?)

to my classroom

without a co-op

just me

and 20 children

5 years old

and facing them with

only 17 more years of life.

suddenly my thoughts turn

to swirling doubts

seeing the limits of 17 years

clouding the wisdom, lessons contained there.

graduation is peering around the corner.

now, instead of seeing just the top of its head,

i'm seeing more details.

a forehead, eyebrows, eyes, a nose...

bad analogy, but

it's getting clearer.

closer.

i think 2nd grade is fascinating, but i think it's challenging knowing that my heart is with the younger ones. because i'm ready to spread my wings, but i'm still playing by somebody else's rules. tossed into unfamiliar routines and plans, expected to soar.

sometimes it's hard to believe i can do this.

but this is where God led me. this is where He'll use me. this is where He'll shape me, equip me, save me.

so i can do this.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. [Philippians 4:13]

Today and all of the tomorrows that follow.

Endless and Open

Those are possibilities, my friends.

My mom and I spent a lot of time talking about future-y things.

jobs. moves. relationships.

And planning for my future home. The place I'll come home to at the end of a day of teaching. My corner of the world where I'll find comfort, relaxation, creativity...

and that I will call my own.

I find myself thinking about what it will look like.

Couches from scenes of my childhood residing in my living room, being the background to scenes of my adulthood.

Dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher...but what color will they be?

Candles. There must be candles!

And pictures...but which ones?

I think that my subconscious has ulterior motives here by letting me think of all of this stuff, that maybe if I start thinking and planning now, it'll fight off that discomfort that we all face when something changes in our lives. When the corner of the world that we called our own and ran to for safety has been taken away and we're pushed to something else.

I'm so excited thinking of it all, though. I walk through the home furnishings section of Target (oh, I ♥ Target!) and just dream of the potential for my future home, my very own place. And more than that, I'm excited for everything that will come with it: a new job, a new beginning, a new adventure in life. Entertaining guests who can share in the joy of this place, celebrating friendship and life. Learning, living, and growing.

Life is moving forward.

~"A house is made with walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams." [unknown]~

Visiting

My mom's been visiting.

And it's just what I needed...love, comfort, conversations that come only with Mom.

It couldn't have been better timing.

I needed a dose of home. Of Mommy and Me time. Of familiarity.

Wordless.

Searching for words...but I've got nothing tonight.

A Long Day

Swirling thoughts and emotions beyond what I can count with no time to count them anyway.

An out-of-control feeling

....paused by sitting outside (Starbucks patio) in the heat and sunshine, drinking tea, writing, releasing...

emerging again as I pull out lesson plans, notes, papers.

Maybe, just maybe, I want to hide behind this work and use it to avoid thinking about the other truths weighing on my mind.

"I'm a student teacher. I need to think about teaching things," I tell myself.

And tonight, that's fine by me.

2 Days in 2nd Grade Looks Like...

24 new names and faces in desks.

less shoe tying and reminders to use a tissue.

a surprisingly less amount of nose-picking.

a noon dismissal for tomorrow...with an afternoon of meetings.

a tentative teaching schedule.

a lesson plan to start teaching grammar tomorrow.

a call saying a student was hiding somewhere outside -- and they weren't sure where.

temper tantrums and tough love.

conquering high shelves and a lack of height.

5 walks to the copy room and back. without getting lost.

a new organization system.

patience, patience, patience.

not nearly enough coffee.

not nearly enough sleep.

pausing to breathe.

learning.

These two days have been the biggest and truest glance into next year already.

And so humbling. Not that I thought that I was a master before, but I have a lot more to learn than I thought.

~"Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study. Be a student so long as you still have something to learn, and this will mean all your life." [-Henry L. Doherty]~

Beauty

A while ago I had a friend lend me Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge. It's a book about how women portray the image of God. John Elderidge wrote a book before that called Wild at Heart which focused on how men reflect the image of God. I've finally gotten to start reading the latter, and I'm enjoying it so far. Both are very thought-provoking.

There's a portion where he discusses how men today often feel like they have to put on a front and live up to expectations they aren't sure they really can live up to, and that made me stop and think, "Well, isn't that really the story we all can tell?"

I started thinking about my own life. As a woman, there's a lot of pressure to be beautiful in every way: wear the right clothes, do your makeup the right way, make sure you're an ideal weight, but do it all while being strong, independent, andconfident.

I know I don't always live up to those standards, but I often try anyways. I hide my body's imperfections in what I wear and my skin's flaws under makeup. Sure, I can walk out the door feeling good from that stuff, but it's fleeting. All it takes is one look at somebody who has better skin or a better body type and my confidence is off to hide in some corner. I have a hard time feeling beautiful then.

Do you know what I feel the most beautiful? When I don't have to hide anything. The moment I look up into the mirror after washing off the day's makeup. When I'm in clothes I wear just to be comfortable. That's when I'm down to the underlying "me" layer.

It really bummed me out to think of how often all of us -- men or women -- feel like we don't measure up, like we aren't living up to some standard set by other people. All too often we lose sight of how beautiful we are in God's eyes because He made us and washed us in Christ so we are glorious in His eyes.

Friends, I pray that in your next moments of feeling inadequate or anything less than beautiful that you remember who made you and how much He loves you. >

~"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation." [Henry David Thoreau]~

Someone Spoke For Me

"I miss the sound of your voice...and I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in." ["Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson]

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable." [Dave Tyson Gentry]

Reset(tling)

[First things first -- Congratulations, Teagan and Scott! I hope the wedding day was great, and I wish I could've been there to celebrate with you!! :)]

The best part about a trip is all of the new experiences and memories you walk away with.

It's even better when a trip allows you to grow in relationship with somebody else, too.

The best part about this spring break was exploring NC with David, but the hardest (I'm hesitant to say "worst") part was leaving.

Now it's time to readjust to being states apart instead of just feet apart every day again, going over the memories of the great week.

As I was conscious of the plane taking me farther and farther away from Charlotte, I had to come to terms with the fact that it's never going to get easier to say goodbye and fly away. In fact, if we do this right, it'll keep getting harder.

Long distance relationships kinda stink sometimes.

~"Love is friendship set on fire." [-Anita Hodzic]~

Rural [Spiritual] Life

"The spiritual life cannot be made suburban. It is always frontier, and we who live in it must accept and even rejoice tha it remains untamed." [-Howard Macey]

In the laughter, the silence, the hand-in-hand adventuring, the conversation...

I am safe.

I am me: giggling at all the wrong moments, scowling before my first cup of coffee, stammering my way through my thoughts

...and it's okay.

And I remember when it wasn't, but I thank God for those times now. It hurt like crazy then but makes this that much more amazing now.

Thank you, God, for this treasure.

North Carolina Overview

What I've learned about Charlotte, NC, so far:

• The time change really messes me up...but it was fun having a flight an hour shorter than I expected!
• How do you confuse a Pollack? Give her a time change with Daylight Savings on top of that. She'll never know what time it is! (Until her trusty boyfriend helps her out, of course. What a great guy.)
  
• Being here means "Coast of Carolina" and "Coastal Confessions" by Jimmy Buffet are almost constantly stuck in my head...nevermind that we aren't actually on the coast.
  
• The drivers are MUCH nicer than those Texas drivers. They even know how to use turn signals!
  
• It's gorgeous here...so many budding trees right now, so green, beautiful architecture...wow.
• There are some really decent coffee shops around.
  
• It's a city that would be fun to live in/around.
• Time goes slower here...or seems to, at least, because I'm savoring every minute of it, knowing it'll be a while before this happens again.
  

The consensus is that NC's a great place. :)

Orderless

NC tomorrow...uncharted territory in traveling...seeing David for the first time since January...excited, nervous, ready to be there. Already mostly done packing (hours ahead of typical trip schedule).

Last day in the preschool today...fun, sad, tear less, hug-full. Now to gear up for 6 weeks of teaching 2nd grade...excited, HappySad that the end is getting nearer.

Future...falling into place...becoming concrete plans...exciting, nerve-wracking, I am ready for this, I'm not ready for this, can it just be here already?

Apologies...so hard to face weakness when it is your own, when it impacts another, when it causes conflicts. Conflicts strengthen, but at a momentary cost (but sometimes more). Harder when not taken, acknowledged. Take a deep breath, just do it. Say it straight, that it's not the topic but the chosen methods.

Life...take it one day at a time, one goal, one accomplishment, one question, one decision, one breath at time.

Bubbles...combine with children, laughter, and sunshine for best results.

~"Love is hard work, and sometimes hard work hurts." [author unknown]~

Another Ending, Another Beginning, and a Few Steps Forward

I've had to say a number of goodbyes to students who take a piece of my heart with them in the past 2 days, and tomorrow will be the last round of them. I was surprised by the number of sad faces when my co-op announced my last day to both classes. There have been lots of extra smiles, high fives, and hugs. I'll sure miss these kids.

I realized that I underestimated how much my presence could mean to my students, how important a teacher's role becomes to these children -- even if you see them only twice a week. That clicked today after one of my little girls had tears in her eyes when she hugged me. I was floored. But I also realized just how much God has given me what I need for this, that it's not my own work.

Looking back on how much I have loved every day with those kids lets me know I'm doing exactly what I should be. And I'm ready for my own classroom. That's a good thing, too, because...

I've officially designated. I'm 99.9% sure I'm taking that job offer. More details to come, but for now I can tell you that my own classroom is a reality. And here's your hint for where it's at:

~"To make an end is to make a beginning." [T.S. Eliot]~

Laughing Material

Warning: This is funny, so avoid the hot liquids. [Lisa, I'm mostly talking to you.]

Really? I mean...REALLY?!

My favorite one might be the washer. Or eggs.

Zebra-Toed Day

That happened today, and it sums up the day: what started out as ordinary, typical, became bold, sparkling with hope and with flashes of unexpected lines interrupting the "normal".

Life is falling into place, but not the way I expected. At all.

I can only say a few things right now:

1. Thanks for the encouraging. Knowing I'm not alone and hearing your wise words, friends, was more than a girl could ask for. I needed those words...and those prayers. :)

2. I was impatient and snippy with somebody who really didn't deserve it today, and it wasn't even over something worth being a jerk about. I really get disappointed and angry with myself for forgetting to take a breath sometimes and picking the wrong battles -- especially when the other person is trying to look out for me.

3. God is great. He's breaking down my Moses Mentality as we speak. He destroyed most of it in one single day.

4. I found out a call I was considered for was extended to somebody else (who, btw, definitely is better suited for the school...those are gonna be some lucky kids!). That phone call was a few hours after...

5. I got a job offer. And it basically is everything I was hoping for but never thought would happen.

And that's a zebra-toed day in a nutshell.

Faith's Time to Shine

Had a pre-interview interview tonight. Craziness. I think it went well though. And I'm certainly keeping my fingers crossed. It's in Nebraska. Hey, I hear that's a great place to live. :)

But this call process stuff is...overwhelming, actually I didn't realize how much so until the past few days when the stress caught up with me.

It's hard to say for certain where that line is between what's God's will and what's merely wants. I know that when it's right, it's right, but it's almost too easy to jump the gun in light of really just wanting a job. Yes, I want it to be the place where I need to be, where God needs me to be, but I am concerned about letting my emotions get too much in the way.

And fear is another legitimate battle. I am constantly reminding myself that fear is a trap, and it's a paralyzing poison really. If I gave in to fear every time instead of shoving it aside and ignoring it sometimes, there'd be a large number of awesome things I would have missed out on. But I have to wonder where the line is between fear and rationality. That's another place where it feels like the line is blurred a while.

Yet I know this is one of those times where faith really shows what it's made of. My God's big enough to hear my whining and complaining, my "I can'ts" and "I wants", and He's patient enough to take my hand while I'm blinded by my own plans and led me through the course He's laid out for me. And when I slow down, I can savor it's awe-striking wonder and beauty.

~"The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets. The truth is they are more shadow than reality, so they seem bigger in the dark. When the light shines into the places they live inside you, you start to see them for what they are." [The Shack by William P. Young]~

Beautiful Balloons

Today at church there were over 30 baptisms, which was fantastic in and of itself. Afterwards there was a massive balloon release; each balloon had a prayer request taped to it.

What an amazingly overwhelmingly beautiful day celebrating the gifts God gives us.

~"How great is our God."~

"The Aftermath"

The lyrics are even more beautiful than the music...

"The Aftermath" by Hillsong United

The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me

[Chorus 1:]
In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath

Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me

[Chorus 2:]
In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath

And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way

[Chorus 3:]
Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath

Concerts, Reminders, and Then Some

My ears are ringing in post MindBlowinglyAmazingConcert fashion.

I expect a Hillsong United kick. In fact, it may have already started.

I saw a guy in front of me wearing a 1-1-SIX shirt in front of me there. I smiled as I remembered the last concert I went to and who I was with. :)

And what a way to end a day where I heard "poopoo", "tooting", and was climbed on more times than I wanted to count today. My preschoolers were energetic and full of great one-liners today. Future post material? I think so.

I love, love, loved today.

~"I may not be the best, but I do the best I can." [lead singer of Hillsong United]~

New Normal

12 hour days with school stuff are becoming the norm. And that's not counting lesson plans and such at home.

Now I see why young children believe teachers live at school. We essentially do.

~"Food teddy bears don't talk." [one of the preschoolers today talking about Teddy Grahams]~

Cubbies Cap Connection

To some, a baseball hat. To others, memories.

He only drove the car for a month, if that. I remember getting to take it for a drive around the block when it was brand new. "Don't eat or drink anything in the car," he said. "Okay, I won't." [I still get pangs of guilt now when I do. Sorry, Grandpa.]

The baseball hat was the only sign he'd been there at all in those weeks. I can't say when exactly it appeared in there, but now I wish I could. I long to recall every detail, to say I savored each moment. But, as it usually goes, I didn't. I wasn't anticipating the years when the details would begin to fade, when I would realize with heartache that I couldn't remember, when pictures wouldn't be enough.

What did his smile look like? What did his voice sound like? What did he do when he was voicing his opinions in true Myslinski fashion?

I know he wouldn't care if I took the baseball hat out, but I still can't do it. I can't even bring myself to replace it because it wouldn't be the same. He was a real fan. I'm more of a fan in theory. And a new one would look nice, but it wouldn't be the one he put there.

He believed in his Chicago teams (but not the White Sox), hot dogs without ketchup. He believed in hard work. Most of all, he believed in love. And love he did to the fullest: his grandchildren, his children, and especially his wife. Family came first, no matter what.

The hat's been in there for 6 years, just a few weeks longer than we've been without him. People have tried to move it and the wind's tried to take it, but I always make sure it makes it back to its home in the back windshield. The number one rule in my car: Don't touch my Cubbies hat.

Some people carry around those they've loved and lost in their memories. I carry my grandpa around in my heart and mind...and in a baseball hat. To some it's just a hat, but to me, it's a reminder of all my grandpa stood for and taught us. It's a reminder to make him proud.

~"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." [-Unknown]~

Remembering

"It's always this time of year when my thoughts undo me."
["Bells of New York City" - Josh Groban]