Christmas is here!

This is my absolute favorite time of year. Fall is my favorite season, and magical things always seem to happen during the time it takes for all the leaves to change and fall...and it ushers in the Christmas season with the music, the decorations, the joy, and -- my favorite -- all of the family time and traditions.

After this semester's conversations with people with very different families than my own, I was struck by just how lucky I am to have an unusually close bond with my family. I mean, I knew it was rare, but I guess I didn't think about how uncommon it is to have cousins who are more like siblings and relatives who double as friends (and drinking buddies!). I mean, I'd far rather go to the bar with my family than a group of friends. Yeah, I'm that weird and that close to my fam. I grew up with my cousins being some of my best friends. How cool is that?!

We also have always had Christmas Eve together with the entire family on my dad's side for my entire life. It's my absolute favorite day out of the entire year. My aunt and I cook together (pierogis are definitely a highlight), we have someone play Santa for the younger kids (although there aren't too many years of that left, sadly...someone needs to start having kids, dang it! lol), and we just hang out and talk a LOT. I'm especially excited for this year's because of how amazing Thanksgiving was for us. Sometimes it gets ruined when it snows because my dad and brother have to go out and plow/salt when it snows, but it's always a family night, and it's always a wonderful feeling to be with everyone. It's fun to see how we've all grown and changed throughout the year. I feel like that's the most "home" that home gets because it's the most comforting, relaxing, and happiest night of the year. I don't even want to think about how it's going to be in 2 years when I'll be...goodness knows where...for teaching because that takes some of the magic away.

It always seems to be snowing on the night I pick to bake and make candy...that's happened for the past few years. It actually really adds to the magic, though, to be all nice and warm while the oven's going and yummy creations are taking over the kitchen space with their presence and smell as my Christmas music is playing and I'm singing along. It's something I've been doing since high school, and it's a solitary activity, but it's one of my Christmas traditions. There is something extraordinarily cozy about being in a warm kitchen with baking smells, music, and snow falling outside.

Since this was actually a short interlude between recipes, I'm going to get back to the kitchen where the magic happens...I've psyched myself up for it. :)

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas...even those of you who are grinches who don't like Christmas much (you know who you are :P).

~"Gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh." [-one of my preschoolers describing the 3 gifts the wisemen brought to Jesus. How can you not love kids when they say silly things like that?!Oh, malapropism. :)]~

A [Thanksgiving] Break in Review

This was one busy break. They just keep getting worse and worse with how cramped they are. "Break" has become merely a label, not a vacation. Nice knowin' ya, sleep-in days...

I got a LOT of time with my family in, some of the best in what probably amount to years if I really stop to think about it. It's been a while since we've been this close again. It is kind of funny and weird that my ex-uncle bought me my first Jagerbomb considering I haven't really seen the guy too often in the past 10 years. Well, stranger things have happened with my family! Much-needed and much-welcomed. It's crazy how fast my nephew is growing up, too! Today was his first birthday party...that year went way too quickly, but I didn't really know the munchkin for the first 5 months (or so) of his life.

I did get my questions answered...but I wish that were enough to cause the situation make sense. There are just new questions that have come up now. I don't like being uncertain, and I have a hard time being patient enough to let things be and see how they go (something my wise aunt told me needs to be done!). I'm grateful to have my own assurance of my friend being the good kind of person I thought he was, though.

I'm not good at communicating my fears, and I'm not good at handling them. I have a tendency to cling too hard to things I'm afraid of losing, and I often smother them. This is especially true when I'm interested in someone. I s'pose that's a good test, though, if you think about it -- the ones who can put up with my nuttiness are worth having a relationship with...? Well, it's something to think about. :-P The point is, the more I think something --well, someone -- is worth it, the harder I will try not to lose it. I hope that the person I am writing this for is a) even giving this stinkin' blog a glance...and b) understanding some of my actions a little more...they aren't meant to be a deterrant, just as a way of letting you get to know me more and see that I'm thinking about ya.

Tomorrow's the big trek back to school. These next 2 1/2 weeks will be so challenging, but I am looking forward to surprising myself by finding out just how capable I am of rising to meet that challenge.

I will be taking a prolonged coma when I get back home, though, so don't be concerned when you find that I've gone into hibernation for a few days in mid-December to make up for the sleep I didn't get over Break and will NOT be finding over the next few weeks...

Anyways, I'm leaving you with the lyrics to a whole song..."Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon...because it's been on the radio every time I've been in my car this weekend so far, and because it's just so damn ironic because it fits my mentality right now.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Dating is what it is...a pain.

Dating is pretty much a pain. You thought it was bad in middle school when you had to have at least 2 go-betweens to find out if somebody liked you or not? Try not having any go-betweens now. You're all on your own. Yeah, isn't that fun? At least in middle school, it's pretty clear cut. You hold hands with someone, and boom, you're "dating". Granted, that's the extent of a "date" in middle school, but it is what it is. You're probably still wary about that cooties myth.

Nowadays, people are incapable of saying the word "date." Seriously. You ask someone to go do something, and you label it by what you're doing, not by saying "date." When people question you about it, you just shrug.

To make us feel better about being incapable of calling something a "date" because we are in denial that it IS really a date, we've come up with the term "pseudo-date." A "pseudo-date" is something that has potential to be a date because there is interest from both parties, but it has never been confirmed to be such and thus could really just be two friends hanging out. It could be quantified as a date later on, but only if it goes well and both people are feelin' it by the end of the night.

How lame are we?! There was once a time where people would either have a date, or they wouldn't. It was as simple as that. Now everyone gets so uptight about friendships with people of the opposite sex and always wanting to know what's going on that we've become really stingy about using the word "date." As if dating wasn't complicated enough!!

~"I really wanna care. I wanna feel something. Let me a dig a little deeper -- nope, sorry, nothin'." ["My Give A Damn's Busted" - Jo Dee Messina]~

Bring it on.

My head's a million different directions right now, and what do I do when I need to slow myself down? Write away...

I haven't been too terribly homesick this semester because I've been to busy to be. The only real spell of it was when my grandpa had some stuff going on with his heart, and I just wanted to be there with my Papa even though it was going to be fine. I'm pretty overprotective of the guy since he's my last living grandpa, but hey, I learned the protectiveness from him. The homesickness is really going to be a big deal this week though because it's always worse right before I go home because I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do while I'm there, and I come to realize just how much I miss about home.

As weird as it sounds, I'm excited to be feeling this way. I haven't been on great terms with my mother (hence moving in with my dad at the end of summer...) for most of the semester, but we're starting to repair our relationship. Before this, I wasn't looking forward to going home really because, as much as I miss a lot of my family, I didn't want to deal with the drama of not wanting to go see my mom and stuff. We're good now, though, so that takes a huge damper off of the week.

I am also highly anxious for this break because I have a lot of questions that I need to have answered by someone there. Some things that have happened since we've known each other and some of the conversations we've had have really left me with more questions and unknowns than I'm comfortable with. I tried getting some things sorted out before I left, but I chickened out and got too caught up in having fun since it was the last time we'd be seeing each other for a while. Immediately upon getting home from hanging out, I was frustrated with myself for not getting the answers I set out to get that night. This is it, though. It's not going to happen again. It can't. It literally is to the point where it's keeping me up at night, and I'm done with that. I'm not going to let it stay that way. Time to take a stand.

This upcoming week before going home, however, is about kicking butt and taking names on some big projects that are due before I leave and catching up in one of my classes.

~"Sad thing is you can still love someone and be wrong for them." [Elvis Presley]~

Kids

I love working with children. It may sound cliche, but they really do make each and every day special. They make it worth getting outta bed on the days when I thought I had it made under those covers.

I feel like my shifts at work begin at the perfect time right now. Either I am getting there during nap time when only a few children are still awake, or I'm getting there when nap time is over and we're getting everyone up and all the cots put away. The latter can get super-chaotic really quickly (like today when I had one little boy following me around going, "Do you know what?" and telling me stories I really didn't follow at all...it's tough to focus when you're trying to help this girl put on her socks and trying simultaneously to get the boy on the cot next to you to get up), but the former is so tranquil (on the days where I'm not fighting a particular boy to actually stay on his cot instead of causing a ruckus that I'm afraid will wake up the others). It's nice to get to slow down to just rub backs and make sure "my kids" are all sleeping soundly. Sometimes there's even a snorer or two for background noise. Honestly, it makes me think about motherhood...and it's kind of overwhelming sometimes. It's getting closer and closer (but not TOO close yet!), and wow, sometimes I can barely take care of myself; the thought of being in charge of some little critter of my own (that is, btw, an affection nickname like from the Meyers books) is slightly unnerving. Someday I'll be rubbing my own child's backs as they fall asleep. Whoa.

It's also a blast just how hilarious it can be to listen to things that kids have to say or things that they cling to that you never in a million years thought would stick. Take, for instance, the smile button. Yeah, thinking up catchy names on the fly isn't my specialty. Anyways, we have one child who is not a little ray of sunshine when he wakes up from nap time. He gets happy at the drop of a hat, though, and I was trying to get him to that point sooo I was tickling him and told him I'd find his smile button. It worked, he smiled, but the other kids standing there wanted to try it, too. I spent a good portion of time after that finding the smile buttons on my other kids. The secret of the smile button, btw, is that young kids are 99.9% of the time ticklish on their bellies. :)

In un-work-related news, I realized that Thanksgiving break is 2 weeks away. BUT it's also going to be crazy because I have a final project due right before I leave for break, and I'll be finishing up one class and on the last legs of another. It'll be glorious to be home, though.

Alright, time to go tackle something productive for the evening...10:20's the perfect starting time for homework, after all.

~"I don't know what kind of fabric this is, but I want to marry it and have it's babies!" [-Gilmore Girls]~

"Maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

I haven't updated since the very beginning of the semester. Part of that is my own pride and stubbornness because I didn't want to admit how hard this semester's been for me. The truth is that it has been extremely difficult on multiple levels, and I feel like there are few ways that I've left untouched in terms of things that have gotten messy.

It was hard to even come back out here. I felt like it was terrible timing to leave my family with a lot of things that were going on there and with having just moved in with my dad literally the same week I was coming back here. If I had known at the beginning of the summer how those 3 months were going to go, I would not have planned on coming back for the fall semester. As it was, I wanted to take a semester off, but my dad said no. I obviously survived, though. :-P

I've also just been in a terrible spot financially for most of the semester because work this summer did not go NEARLY as planned, and I barely made any money. I didn't start work until a month into the semester despite getting the job immediately in the beginning of the year, and I didn't get my first paycheck until a week ago. Now I understand how families can be torn apart by the stress of financial troubles...because it is a constant thought on your mind and makes you terribly tense and uptight. It's a terrible feeling.

Working again has been great, though. I am lucky to get to work with kids 6 days a week, 5 of which are at work at a preschool; the 6th day is teaching Sunday school at my church. The latter tends to be QUITE a challenge every single week, but the preschool is more great times than frustrating ones. Both opportunities are great preparation for being a teacher someday and reaffirms the grade level I would prefer to teach at. My kids at the preschool really just make me smile...nothing compares to the feeling of an ambush of tiny arms on your legs when you walk into the room. Talk about a good stress reliever! :-) At this point of the semester when I've realized how terribly I've been doing over the past few weeks, I need that reminder every day from my kids that I'm good at something because it sure as heck doesn't always feel that way.

This is one of the best roommate situations I've been in, too. First of all, I loooove an apartment-style dorm. It's great to have room to spread out rather than being confined to a single space for EVERYthing. We also have such an interesting dynamic with such different personalities and interests, but it's beautiful because we mesh so well. Pretty much never a dull moment here, haha...our quote wall's reeeeaaaally filling up quickly. We're pretty ridiculous...and we'll have some pretty great (and embarrassing, haha!) stories to tell each other's children someday. :-P

Well, this is already a lengthy post, but I'm going to post song lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs...it's one of those that just strikes me over and over again because it's beautiful AND because I know that feeling she's talking about. If you've never heard "Angel" by Sarach McLachlan, look it up...it's a must-hear.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason
to feel not good enough,
and it's hard, at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

CHORUS:
In the arms of the angel,
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel.

You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
there's vultures and
thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack.

Don't make no difference,
escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in
this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
that brings me to my knees.

REPEAT CHORUS

You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.

Memories aren't bridges to be burned.

Break ups are like...

- walking with a shoelace untied...you walk along knowing something's amiss, but you keep walking with a few stumbles here and there, but the lace is eventually tied again and bruises heal just fine.

-not being 100% sure you shut the oven off...you constantly second-guess yourself. Sometimes you fight off the urge to check again to reassure yourself, but sometimes you just can't help going in for solid assurance.

- a splinter...an annoying little sensation from an unpleasantly pesky thing that works itself out when the time is right-because sometimes forcing it out prematurely causes more pain.

- a straw...it sucks, but only until your drink runs out.

- a dustbuster...it sucks some more until it eventually has no more power.

- a trampoline...if you land the wrong way, it hurts like crazy, but you always bounce back.



~"Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow, but I know in time we'll find this is no surprise." ["No Surprise" - Daughtry]~

Flashbacks.

As I butter my toast for breakfast, I find myself remembering (what I think was) the first time I was in charge of making and buttering the toast for the routine Sunday breakfast at my dad's. We all had a hand in it, more and more so as time went on and my brother and I proved we were capable of helping without burning our fingers off or anything. I felt so grown up to be in charge of the toast because hey, toast is the cornerstone of a great breakfast. It was always eggs, toast, sausage, and sometimes pancakes (although that tapered off as I over-pancaked somewhere along the line). I smiled as I remembered doing that at the first apartment my dad lived in, the one with the really cool pantry with the metal doors that slid open and shut like an accordion -- the perfect hiding spot. It was much better than the closet because it had two sides with shelves to choose from rather than sitting in a pile of shoes underneath the coats, and it didn't have the oily, diesel-y smell of my dad's work jackets.

I also came to realize that my dad gave me my first experiences with real cooking. He let me make chocolate pudding one day for dessert. Sure, it was instant, but hey, when you're a little kid you feel like you can conquer the world after mixing it all by yourself and pouring it into the cups for everyone. My curiosity and enjoyment of cooking just grew from that point onward.

It's fun to look back and pinpoint the exact moment when you first learned to do something, and the first moment when you recall having a spark of passion for something. Try and think about that next time you're doing something you really love to do. It's interesting to see what other long lost details come to light again with those thoughts.

~"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." [Albert Camus]~

Remaining Time

Alright, I've got about 2.5 weeks left before going back to school, and they are going to be cuh-razy. There's always a lot to fit into the last few weeks of being home, but usually it's just all of the social things I want to do beforehand. This, however, has not been a typical summer, and so why should the ending be any different? Okay, here's what's gotta go down:

- One last project at the center where I did my GS project (working with a summer program for kids)
- My very last shift at Dinner By Design (two whole hours. I don't know if I can survive!! ...not.)
- MADISON with Ls (finally!)
- Finishing the 7-10 pg paper, 10 journals, and posterboard presentation for my GS project and getting it organized and ready to turn in on the first day of classes
- Organizing the contents of my room (and random other belongings spread throughout the house) and packing them
- Moving said belongings out of Mom's house
- Eye exam
- Packing up my aunt's apartment/finding a place to put that stuff
- Packing/organizing everything for my dorm
- Making everything for my dorm fit into my car
- Cleaning at Dad's house
- Lasagna with the brother
- Two last hurrahs with friends at the movies (HP6, Julie & Julia)
- Figuring out what's wrong with my disk drive so that I can actually use it...especially to do a system restore...
- Enjoying time with my family (Girls' Night!)
- Side trip to MO?
- Finding a home for my two cats =o(

CRAZINESS! INSANITY!

...and I should probably be spending less time on the Internet and more time making the things on this list happen.

I'm so excited to go back to school, but it's bittersweet knowing how fast the time's going to go, especially knowing that I might not be living around here again depending on what happens with work in Nebraska. Whatever happens will be great, though. I can feel it. =o)

~"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?" ["Born To Fly" - Sara Evans]~

Mattering.

I'm beyond ready to be back at school. It'll be wonderful to be in an environment where I can be productive everyday, be back at the church I'm missing so terribly, catch up with people...and where I can live in a place where I matter again.

I'm not saying I don't matter to people here. I know I do. I would be crazy to think otherwise. What I am saying is that the home where I spend most of my time -- the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary from the world -- really isn't. It's a war zone. The shrapnel is words left lodged in my mind. The nuclear weapons are the unspoken words and mounting tensions. It's a toxic environment. It's leaking into everything. It's starting to shape me to fit some of those negative implications about who I am, and it's tearing me away from who I actually am.

I'm trying to hold on to that faith. I'm trying to be strong and trusting. I'm trying to remember that I don't have to have all of the answers or fix everyone's problems, but I'm not doing so hot at that. If I can't be all that happy right now, I want everyone else to be able to be happy at least.

Oh, end of summer, I greatly anticipate seeing you come my way.

~"In a way I need a change from this burnt out scene. Another time, another town, another everything..." ["Shatter" - OAR]~

Relationships.

It takes me a really long time to admit that I'm not happy. It takes me an even longer time when admitting that I'm really not happy affects somebody else, i.e. a relationship. That happened this week, as did the decision to take time to figure things out...for myself, by myself. I've been driving myself crazy since then...I mean, I feel like it's what I need to do, but then I wonder if it's really the best thing right now, and I start thinking that I'm really stupid for letting go because I love this guy. I'm wondering if we'll both ever be happy again...if we'll find other people...or if we're supposed to be together.

See, the question was if we'd really be able to make each other happy despite our differences on what can be seen as some key issues. I really don't think that I can make him as happy as he deserves, and I'm not sure if I can be happy with him...especially knowing that I'm not exactly the kinda girl that's best for him.

A friend and I were discussing this the other night, and we started talking about how you'll never have perfection in your significant other. He mentioned something about an 80-20 rule he'd heard about (he'll have to tell me again where it was from...) where you'll get 80% of what you are looking for in someone else, but there will be 20% that just isn't it. My question is this: Don't you have a say in what 80% you should get, the 80% you're not willing to compromise on?

I don't want to make someone compromise what they really believe. I don't want him to change. And yet...I'm not sure if I'm willing to change, either.

Summertime '09....so far.

Wow, 2 months since my last post. I've been spending significantly less time on the computer though, and that's been wonderful. I've been challenging myself to read a lot more in the stead of going online and doing pointless things like checking Facebook for the gajillionth time...one day I just really thought about it, and I was like, "Wow, it's pointless to be looking at all of these pictures from people I never even talk to or just checking out bumper stickers." I still get sucked in from time to time, but it's getting easier to just focus on getting done what needs to get done on there and signing off. I've been getting a lot more reading in as well, something I've been aching to do for quite a while. There are a lot of books to be read out there. Bring 'em on.

This summer has had some times where it's been great so far (hanging out with my family is what it's all about), but it feels like it's mostly been a slew of disappointments one after another. I've been home for almost a month now, but it's been kind of crazy. Less than 48 hours after getting home, I jumped into an intense Physics class (4 credits in 4 wks...doable, but yes, challenging!) that took up 3.5 hours of CLASS time 4 days a week and at least 2 more hours everyday of homework. Money's been an issue for...well....when isn't it an issue? I've been relying on the fact that having my job back this summer would be a huge help on that front, but I've barely been getting hours, so yeah. I haven't even gotten one paycheck yet (we have to have x amount of hours before they cut us a check), so that's not a good thing. I have another summer class that is 10 hours of class time and 50 hours of a project, and I've gotten the class end outta the way, but the project needs to get done soon. Unfortunately, I just found out a few days ago that the project I was going to do has fallen through because the program I was working with isn't happening, either. There wasn't enough enrollment (it was a summer reading program for kids). Kinda stinks because I don't really know what's going to happen yet with that. I'm hoping I can either find something else or get an incomplete and do something in Seward when I get back. We'll see.

It's also been extremely difficult trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. I knew it would be hard, but I really had not clue just how trying it would be. I used to believe I would be a terrible person to be involved in something long distance, and I had the mentality that I wouldn't ever do it, that somebody would have to be pretty freaking amazing for me to even consider it. Well, here he is...and he is worth it. I'm not handling it very well though, but I'm hoping that with the class being done and my stress level being slightly down that I'll be more patient with the situation and less tense during the time we DO get to talk because up to this point, I've been what I perceive must be pretty difficult to deal with because even though I know that communication is one of the keys to making this work, I've been pretty reluctant to do that.

I think part of the stress is not really feeling as though I have the support of people at home. There's some, but not a lot. I feel as though very few people are taking the time to understand what this guy means to me. Is he different than who they would have expected me to end up with? Yes. But am I happy? Yes. Sometimes it'd be nice to have them take the time to try to understand that and ask questions or something before jumping to conclusions and sticking with opinions that are way off and even (occasionally) rude. It doesn't make me look forward to bringing him around to meet them, and that's disappointing. You shouldn't dread introducing somebody you love to the family you love. I'm hoping that I'm way off on that one. We'll know in 8 days though when he gets here.

And hey, I have changed over the year that I've been away. I think sometimes that change and growth factor is easy to forget about when people are away...we expect them to be the same person when they get back. How often does that happen? And, if it does happen, does that mean they didn't allow the situation to shape them somehow? Does that defeat the purpose of the experience? Hmmm...the opens up a whole new realm of questions, doesn't it?

I have been enjoying establishing a work out routine, though, and pairing that with eating healthier. I have had the tendency in the past to eat pretty badly when I've been home...sometimes not eating 3 meals a day, sometimes eating waaaay too much crap food, etc....basically everything that you shouldn't do! I feel good about it now though. Let me tell ya, that Wii Fit is a pretty good time....but so is going on the elliptical machine or doing some workouts with weights. I'm hoping to be able to keep up with this routine when I get back to school...last year I wasn't too successful with that for too long though, so we'll see.

Does that leave any questions about what's been going on with me lately? Haha...I'm pretty good at making these few and far between, but I make 'em count when I do pop up again!

~"I run my life or is it runnin' me, I run too fast or too slow it seems..." ["I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum...amazing voices in that group...]~

Mark my words. Mark 11:27-33, to be exact.

Somehow my appreciation for my brother's music increases at 2 a.m., but I think that's just because my appreciation for any stimuli while I'm working on papers goes up at this hour, too.

I'm in midst of a 25 page paper. It's due on Friday. It's dominating my life right now. It's a mild obsession, really...sometimes amongst the research/writing journey it's genuine motivation that drives me, other times it's the grade. It's an exegetical on Mark 11:25-33. It's actually pretty fascinating, but it's definitely a bunch of work. There are 16 steps to cover, and a 25 page limit. I'm afraid to say that I may have to condense information because I may have too much, but we'll see. 11 down, 14 to go...

Wow, I can tell I've been exegetical-ing too much this weekend because I had the sudden urge to hit ctrl+s to save after writing that! Habitual now, I'm afraid...wasn't about to lose any pages due to some silly error or random computer shut down (gotta love the quirks of your technological objects!) or something.

So for the quote, how 'bout my exegetical text? Yeah! Enjoy!

MARK 11:27-33 TEXT (NIV)

²⁷They arrived again in Jerusalem, and while Jesus was walking in the temple courts, the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders came to him. ²⁸“By what authority are you doing these things?” they asked. “And who gave you authority to do this?” ²⁹Jesus replied, “I will ask you one question. Answer me, and I will tell you by what authority I am doing these things. ³⁰John’s baptism – was it from heaven, or from men? Tell me!” ³¹They discussed it among themselves and said, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will ask, ‘Then why didn’t you believe him?’ ³²But if we say, ‘From men,…” (They feared the people, for everyone held that John really was a prophet.) ³³So they answered Jesus, “We don’t know.” Jesus said, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.”

I didn't know my heart was this capable of missing someone so much.

4 years.

"There's no crying in baseball!" It's a good thing I don't play because I couldn't stop the tears completely today.

"It's a myth that people experience grief for a certain amount of time and then they're over it. Our culture assumes grief should be over in a year, so people may think they're going crazy if they cant 'wrap it up' by then." (- Sandy, the grief support group counselor in the book Good Grief by Lolly Winston...)

I sometimes pretend to be tougher than I am when the truth is that 4 years just makes you better at forgetting how much you miss them.

Losing touch and touching lives.

Sooo here's a random thought I've been pondering for a while: It seems that one of the main reasons people lose touch with people they really care about is because of good intentions. Think about it. How many times have you put off calling somebody you haven't talked to in a while because you wanted a large block of time to catch up on everything? Well, we're at the point where that huge block of time either never comes or quickly gets filled with other things. Oh, Robert Burns knew what he was talking about ("The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."). Wouldn't it be better just to make a quick phone call here and there so they know you're thinking of them? Perhaps a little card or something? It's hard to find time for any of that sometimes, too, but it's a lot easier than waiting for a block of time.

On an unrelated note, I start teaching in about 2 weeks. One of my classes requires a lab where we team teach a unit in science or social studies. I'm really looking forward to it (in between the times my brain is running through all of the worst case scenarios of this blowing up in my face and my stomach is in knots!) because my partner seems pretty cool and easy-going, and we're in a first grade room doing a social studies unit on natural resources. Our cooperating teacher is going to be a huge help -- she offered to help us find books to use and provide some materials, etc. I've been learning a lot of cool things to use in a classroom in terms of activities, management tips, and the like, so it'll be great to get to try them out! It is kind of overwhelming having no idea where to start with lesson planning and such, but that's what this is all about. It's essentially a low dosage of what student teaching will be like. (Oh, student teaching...such a terrifying phrase...this time in 2 years I will be in some random place in the country...I don't even know where...probably all alone...yikes!!!)

Oy, this time next week I'll be home. =o)

Happy weekending!

~"There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, a beautiful release...maybe you'll find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel. " ["Angel" - Sarah McLachlin...my favorite song of hers, and definitely in my top 5 favorite songs of all time]~

Beautiful love.

I was doing a bit of poking around online earlier (it is, after all, that time of the school year when motivation is hard to come by), and I came across a quote that I just had to write down right away.

"The key to being beautiful is always to be looking at someone who loves you, really." [-Julia Roberts]

Whether you are looking toward a family member, a close friend, a significant other, or our absolutely amazing and glorious God, realize that there is always somebody loving you. Take that love and relish it, reflect it. Don't be afraid to let yourself be loved, even if you don't feel like you deserve that love. One of the most beautiful parts of love is how freely it can be given to anyone. It is a choice. It is a gift. It is a blessing.