Just Stopping By

I know I should say something about everything going on in the past few days, but I am still not sure quite what to say and how exactly to convey everything I'd like to.

I will say that this is not something that I would have expected to be among the firsts this year, but, like so many of the other firsts, there's been so much to take away from it.

[For those of you who don't know, the husband of a coworker was in a fatal car accident last week. His funeral was today.]

God was so present today, though, in so many different ways....just as He has been since last week, before then, and will continue to be. What a comforting thing to know.

And it is so, so apparent that it's a wonderful blessing to be here.

There are just a few things that I do need to say now...

Don't be afraid to say "I love you" too much -- you can't.

Don't be afraid to hug too long -- impossible.

Don't be afraid to be a little extra silly -- it helps.

Don't be afraid to get a little uncomfortable or selfless to help someone -- they need it.

Don't let fear stop you from living.

Live each day like it's your last because you really and truly never know when God will call you home.

No Words

My heart goes out to so many grieving right now.

I'm praying fervently.

God has a plan. God needed these people more than we do. And it's the hardest thing to remember and focus on that.

One of the students today saw one of my coworkers crying and had some of the most comforting words and best perspectives. "Why is she crying? He's with Jesus now."

Those with Jesus are in the best place possible. It's the rest of us who could use the comfort God will provide.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ....And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. [-2 Corinthians 2: 3-5, 7]

This Current State of Mind

from dictionary.com...

rest·less

 

adjective

1.

characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: arestless mood.

2.

unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.

3.

never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion: the restlesssea.

4.

without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night.

5.

unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons:a restless crowd.

...or that state of knowing what you want to do, where you want to be, and having to wait for the pieces to fall into place.

Never Old Enough

Yesterday I heard that a guy who graduated with my brother and his friends died unexpectedly on Friday, and I'm stunned.

Did I ever talk to the guy? No. But my heart goes out to those who loved him and knew him well, or those who remember him from their classes in high school.

He was only 26. So, so young. Yes, it's all part of God's plan, but that doesn't make it easy.

It shakes me to think he's the same age as my brother and the friends of his that I love like brothers, too.

A few months ago my friends from Concordia were rocked with something similar, and I couldn't help but think it's too early in life for us to be dealing with this. Here I am feeling this way again, but I wonder...will we ever feel old enough to face this?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no...no amount of years can make this any easier.

It's always going to make us stop and think about how blessed we are to still be here, make us want to hug our loved ones a little sooner and a little longer, and tell people a little more often how much we care about them. It's always going to make us stop and think that it could've been our day instead. It's always going to shake things up.

Good thing God's in charge because it's comforting to know He's got a plan in place. It'd be a lot harder without being able to trust in His promises.

My prayers are with those who knew and loved this guy...I can't imagine the depth of the heartache from this.

And hey, if you're reading this...I love you, even if I don't get to tell you that enough.

Little Victories...even on Days Like This

Today was just One of Those Days. That made this song get stuck in my head.

You know what I love about days like this, though?

a) They end.

b) There's always some bursts of good things tucked away in them.

c) There seems to usually be a shifting point where the bad mood dissolves. That's when I can take a deep breath and say, "Well, that wasn't so bad after all."

I feel like this is a good way to end today.

A Week of...

reminders to laugh at myself when i make mistakes

mix-ups that reveal i really am only human

humility to own a mix-up with a laugh and an apologetic smile

support in ways i didn't realized i needed

finding that my own skin can be as comfortable as an old pair of jeans

whose own worn spots and changes over time are the reason they fit so well where they are

learning what it's like not to try to keep the world spinning alone

because the heaviness will only steal all i've got as i worry

and it takes energy away from where it rightfully belongs

but sharing it is uplifting and freeing

the chance to take on new challenges

big and small

moments to pause to catch my breath

or to pause and have my breath taken away

learning. living. loving.

Counting 101...I mean, 100.

So tomorrow is the 100th day of school.

I think.

Today I was kind of realizing I probably should have checked with some other teachers to see if they calculated the same day.

...not a good time to question my counting skills -- which, if you know me, you know sometimes are questionable. And people think I joke when I say it's a good thing I teach the simple math. Nope, that'd be a true story, folks.

Well, here's my theory.

1) Either I'll be right, and it'll be just fine or

2) I'll be a little off, get another good story for the list of First Year Teaching Adventures, and we'll just make "decorations" with our 100 items for tomorrow. Yeeeaaah, that's it, decorations. [Flexibility, my friends. Can't teach without boatloads of it.]

I'm kind of hoping for the first one, though, for the sake of saving face. I'm a little afraid to consult my calendar and count again.

It's a good thing we've been practicing counting by 1's to 100 lately...apparently I might need all the help I can get.

I'm off to go a-countin'. Wish me luck.

Missing Words

I miss blogging every day.

The challenge of finding something -- anything --

to say

admire,

dissect,

contemplate,

commemorate,

even on the less-than-stellar days

but especially on the days spectacular things happen

so the small joys are captured rather than overlooked

or lost.

But mostly I just miss playing around with words every day.

Amazement Amid Imperfections

never feeling like I have all of this job under control -- merely different parts at different times.

dreaming of the day when there will be some semblance of knowing instead of constantly "oh, shoot. i should have done this. oh well, there's always next time."

being grateful for the pieces that are in place at the moment

always thankful for this glorious mix of beautiful children

loving, laughing, learning

making my heart break as it overflows with joy.

and the ways they make me

laugh

cringe

exhausted

energized

inspired

are the very things that can trump distress

when assessments are missing the night before report cards are due

and my scheduled timetable for writing up report cards has gone horribly awry

and i've erased a message with important information before writing it down

my dog's miserable while i'm away

my ideas are great than the time i have to make them happen

when all i want is a nap.

because it's always the little things, and every day i love my 21 little ones more and more.

coffee un-kick

Made coffee at 7 p.m....made me nostalgic for college

and i'm wishing i had my favorite 3 apartment-mates to share it with again.

we'd take quick resurfacings from our work that dictated the necessity for coffee and an all-nighter

laughing

ranting

squeezing in an episode of our favorite shows to watch together

"don't worry. it comes around again." "dah dah dat dah!"

sam-soon. henry. that other guy.

"he's a leg-uuuume."

and i've been waiting for it to kick in, to energize me...with not much luck.

...and now i'm still tired AND missing my roommates.

but report cards must get done anyway.

tonight and tomorrow will be late nights.

caffeinated or not, with gungor playing in the background, i'm diving in.

see you on the other side.

On Those Not-Good-Enough Days...

If you're anything like me, sometimes you get stressed.

And sometimes that overwhelming, intimidating pile of things to do seems more like a million reminders of how you fall short of who you want so deeply to be.

One voice starts in. "You can't do it."

"You aren't good enough for this," another sneers.

"Haha, you really thought this is where you were supposed to be?" scoffs yet another.

Your head soon gives way to a whole choir of negativity.

When my head's ringing with the sounds of paralyzing doubts, I panic.

Like today.

I feel like it's August all over again.

I'm supposed to do WHAT with 21 kids?!? Help them learn?!? Oh no. Oh gosh. I can't do this. What was I thinking? I'm nowhere near ready. Gosh, they're going to be bored silly. They're going to hate school. And their parents are going to hate sending them. OhnoOhnoOhno.

And then I remembered the words which soothed my soul that night before I went to bed, and I'm turning back to it tonight to speak for me.

Maybe some of you need these words, too.

I Just Pretend I'm Superwoman

I had planned for turbo-productivity today. I'm talking running errands, doing school things, cleaning the apartment, walking my dog, working out, finding time to relax, and solving world hunger...simultaneously. Superwoman-style. [I've actually never really been into superheroes, and I don't really know much about them, but I just assume doing all of those things at once must be somewhere in the list of her super-capabilities.]

It's now 11 pm. Of the things on my To Do list for today, over half remain. 

I slept in later than I planned.

I lingered over my coffee a little too long. 

I played with my dog instead of eating lunch when I meant to.

So I ate lunch late before heading out to do errands.

The bank was closed. 

So was the post office. 

"Since when is January 2nd a national holiday?" I grumbled in my head. 

I drove to school to pick up a few things and realized I didn't have my school keys. 

I headed home in a frenzy of stress, irritation, and pretty overwhelmed. 

But then it happened again: just when I was wondering if I should start panicking now or later, a series of wonderful things started happening. 

My phone rang with a call from a friend I haven't talked to in way too long. 

I accepted that it wasn't the end of the world that I didn't get to school today. 

I embraced the fact that I don't have to be Superwoman and get it all done. 

I cleaned half of the apartment from top to bottom. 

I managed to hang a shelf by myself for the first time --straight, even.

I joined two friends for a drink and some great conversation. 

Now I'm still thinking about the things that need to get done, but I'm so happy this evening brought some necessary reminders that there's more important things in life than getting the To Do list complete every day. 

Let's face it: none of us are Superman or Superwoman. And you know what? It's okay to pretend like we are sometimes, but we have to leave it at that. The second we start trying to believe we are is when life starts getting crazy. 

~"Time is what we want most, but...what we use worst." [-William Penn]~

Where'd Break Go?

There are only two more days left of break.

Two?!? 

Where did break go? 

I'm learning about this strange phenomenon that I wish somebody had warned me about: the older you get, the faster time flies, and the less you can account for where your time goes. 

Seriously, what did I do with break?! It feels like so many of the things I was looking forward to doing over this time remain undone. 

My office is still an absolutely atrocious mess. 

My picture frames in my living room are still screaming out for pictures. 

The wall behind my couch is still empty and dull. 

There is still stuff in my car that needs to be unloaded. 
There's still laundry to put away and a load or two to complete.

Report cards still need to get started. 

Financial things still need to be tamed into a less scary beast. 

Many a thing still needs to be organized and moved around here. 

A shelf still needs hanging.
But I have caught up on sleep, so I can cross one thing off the list. That was definitely number two on the list -- right after enjoying much needed family time.

Now I have two days to accomplish the rest.

Whew. First I'm going to tackle the quest for the desk in my office. If I haven't posted in a few days, please send somebody to ensure the papers haven't gotten me, too.

Because I've been absorbed in Glee music lately and will continue to do so over these next two days especially, here's another song I adored from the show: