Hitting the Breaks.

No, that's not a typo in the title for anyone itching to point it out to me with my grammarian tendencies. It's simply a play on words; puns are becoming increasingly more common coming from me lately due to some influence from a certain someone...*smiles*

Anyways, I never thought I'd make it through that semester. It was the best semester of college by far for many, many reasons, but it was also very trying and stressful. It sometimes was overwhelming, but thankfully there were people to help me until I found my way again. I am walking out of this semester feeling stronger than I have in a while. What's more is that I feel like a whole person again because I'm truly content with where I am at this point.

It's been really nice to sit back and relax during break, and to have a great Christmas. I've really been enjoying having a full 5 days without any work and without any homework...I've been free to stay up ridiculously late and sleep until noon, stay in pajamas all day, and watch a ridiculous amount of Gilmore Girls with Mom. It helps that there has been ridiculous fog over the past two days; it kind of deters you from going out more than what's truly necessary when you can't even see the end of your driveway. I've also gotten to see Valkyrie and Yes Man...I'd recommend waiting to rent the first, but I strongly suggest seeing the second...especially if you have a wonderful twin to go with, haha! I've also read the first two books in the Twilight series, and although they were decent, my life would still be complete if I didn't get to read the remainder of the series.

At the beginning of this break I realized just how worn out I was after this semester. My goal for next semester is still to have as much fun as possible and kick total butt in terms of classes, but I also need to work on taking care of myself better. Someday I'll master that...

~"Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you'll land amongst the stars." [Les Brown]~

Random, I know...

Doesn't it scare you sometimes the extreme potential the mind -- particularly the writer's mind -- has to come up with in terms of warped ideas?

Christmas season at last!

We last left our heroine amidst many papers, a new relationship, and some conflicts needing resolution. Where is she now, you ask. Stay tuned to find out...

Thanksgiving break flew by way too quickly, of course. There was some work, lots of family time, got to see some friends, got a bit of homework done, some reading for fun, and got to do some shopping and cooking. Oh, and I got to see Twilight, which I enjoyed. I can hardly wait to read the book over Christmas break. The week kind of ended on a low note, but getting back to school was a definite plus...especially with the weather that delayed many people from getting back on time. I was lucky to fly out when I did.

Things have been crazy with it being the last few weeks of the semester, and not just from the work. I've been trying to figure things out with getting an advisor and registering for classes and that kinda stuff. Let me tell ya...if you decide to transfer schools, do it before midterm. The more time you have to work with that stuff, the better.

I also am starting the path towards adult instruction and baptism. I've talked to the campus pastor, and we're going to get things going on that. That's been on my heart for a while, so being on that path is extremely exciting for me! I literally was bouncing in my chair when I was talking to the pastor. He's like, "Do you always bounce like that?" Why yes, yes I do...especially when I am geeked about something.

Speaking of being geeked, I am a very blessed and very happy girl. My boyfriend is amazing...he definitely exceeds my dreams and what I dared to hope for. He is funny, sweet, compassionate, spontaneous, intellectual, and (most importantly) a man of faith. We mesh crazy-well, and our relationship has not ceased to grow every single day. He is my friend, my accountability partner, my complementary, and my supporter; I strive to be all of these things to him. I am thankful for every single day with him. We can just talk for hours together, and it doesn't get boring. I can now look back on all of the times I cried over a guy and the pain he caused, the times things didn't work out like I thought they should, the times where I was caught up in the wrong motives and suffered due to poor judgment, the flings, and the loneliness of being single, and I know that it has brought me an appreciation for what we have, and especially for this amazing guy. =o)

Hang in there for the rest of the semester, guys. We've been through it plenty of times now that we know the drill, but we still tend to stress more than we should. Make sure you're taking time for relaxing and doing things to keep yourself sane right now!

By the way, Christmas time is my favorite time of year...I am so happy it's finally here!

~"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose, clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose..." ["I Will Remember You" - Sarah McLachlan]~

Happiness and poetry.

It's been a great past few week...wandering bookstores, seeing Fireproof (a great movie that I'd recommend to any and everyone...especially those in a relationship), ice skating, going to the mall, going out to eat a few times, making pancakes, and IM volleyball. There are some things that still need resolution, and these things are kind of burdening my heart right now, but hey, you know what? I'm not stressing. It'll work out.

It's also been ridiculously amazing with my boyfriend...it just all fits, y'know? We're off to an extremely promising start. I'm a blessed girl. =o)

The next few weeks are going to be crazy with the amount of reading for one class alone, not to mention some papers that need writing and a presentation that needs researching. I say bring. it. on.

I can't believe we're down to the last month of the semester already, though...it sure did fly by.

Aaaand leaving off with a poem today...=o)

Simples
by James Joyce

O bella bionda,
Sei come l'onda!

Of cool sweet dew and radiance mild
The moon a web of silence weaves
In the still garden where a child
Gathers the simple salad leaves.

A moondew stars her hanging hair
And moonlight kisses her young brow
And, gathering, she sings an air:
Fair as the wave is, fair, art thou!

Be mine, I pray, a waxen ear
To shield me from her childish croon
And mine a shielded heart for her
Who gathers simples of the moon.

Ouch.

I hate to admit it, but I am hurt. I am happy about my decision and feel no regrets about this transfer -- which is good, because it's too late to turn back now that I'm officially accepted -- but I was wrong in where I placed my trust in the reactions and support of those around me. The people I thought would have the worst reactions had the best, and somebody I truly thought would be happy for me is anything but.

I wish it didn't bug me like this.

I wish even more that it wasn't this way...especially when I am the happiest I have been in quite a while, and things are falling into place for amazing things. This wouldn't happen if I were still in Chicago.

~"Love is a movement. Love is a revolution." ["Love Is A Movement] - Switchfoot]~

Only by faith.

While I'm not ready to give full details yet because there are some people who I need to talk to about this first, allow me to say that things are good right now. No, things are more than that...they are great. I've gotten a lot figured out in the past few days, but the pieces have been coming together for quite a while. It's a great feeling. Granted, with these resolved things come a whole host of new unknowns to face, but they are not unconquerable. I have a pretty amazing God by my side, and His plans have always been better than mine, so I know that whatever happens will work out for the best...and just in case there was any more doubt there, I just have to look back on how things have gone the past few days to be reminded.

Anyways, I've been going to church regularly out here at a church across the street from campus, today being the celebration All Saints Day. It really hit me hard...it brought back some memories I have been trying (and succeeding) to repress for some time, good and bad, and it also made my heart ache for a friend whose father was killed just last week in a car crash. I was really frustrated at first and even had a thought or two about leaving because of how uncomfortable I was, but then I realized, Hey, this is part of a good congregation...there are bad things in this life, and we can't pretend like they don't exist on Sunday mornings while we are worshiping. No, no. That's not conducive to being built up in faith. Things like death do exist, they do rock us to our very core (if you've known me for a while, you've seen this in my own life), they do cause us pain that we don't know what to do with, they can cause us to lose our way in faith. What's more important, however, is that the same things that threaten to destroy us are the very things which strengthen our faith. This is why we can't avoid these sermons that make bring the pain to the surface again. Although the pastor's sermon nearly made me break down, the words within it built me up once more and let me reconnect with the joy that came with that shattering situation...that joy that Heaven is greater than we can imagine, and all of those saints who have passed from this world into the next have their own beautiful place in Heaven where they are in an amazing place. The pastor asked us why we would want to have our loved ones back from this glorious experience and instead prompted us to look forward to the day where we can share their Heavenly experience with them.

What I love the most about this sermon? The timing. You never stop having waves of sorrow or regret for the lost times or times you could have with people that you've lost. Well, God works in mysterious ways, and having just watched The Notebook last night and this being the 2nd, two big reminders of the two people I miss most, I couldn't have prayed for better timing on this.

~"Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace. When I get to Heaven, gonna see God's face. Heaven is a wonderful place." (a song we used to sing in middle school in chapel...)~

Connecting and reconnecting.

So this weekend I went on a roadtrip to Denver with a few friends to see a hockey game -- the Colorado Avalanche. It was, oddly enough, the quintessential college roadtrip. That's what one of my friends and I decided. We drove hours to get there, got bumped up to better seats (CRAZY cool), saw an absolutely stunning victory (overtime AND a shootout!), stopped and took some random pictures along the way, and now I'm in the midst of an all-nighter to write a paper. So worth it. =o)

On a random note, I'm sick of not having the courage to listen to my own heart and do something about it. Now's the time for that to change. What fun are regretful "what ifs"?

I've been touched again by "First Time" by Lifehouse over the past week, especially after this weekend, so how 'bout some lyrics?

We're both looking for something
That we've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

[Chorus]
Looking at you, holding my breath,
For once in my life I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again,
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love, she says
For the first time
Well maybe I'm wrong,
But I'm feeling right where I belong
With you tonight
Like being in love
Can feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes

[Chorus]

We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home

[Chorus]

Like being in love she said for the first time
Like being in love can feel for the first time

Fall(ing).

I adore this season. I always forget just how much I enjoy inhaling that unmatchable smell of the leaves that are lying on the ground in wait, just inviting everything from being raked to being crunched under shoes. The colors and the way they creep in and merge and coincide with one another, slowly seeping into unsuspecting green leaves, leave me in awe. I love the blemish-free blue skies, freed from the patterns of intruding white clouds. I almost hesitate to use the word "crisp" to describe things outside of the food realm, but the breeze truly holds a crisp aspect to it as it whisks through my hair while I walk around campus. I can't help but take a deep breath and smile, relishing the splendor that is autumn.

I've come to the realization that I am afraid to fall again. Wait, no, that's not it. I'm afraid to fall for the wrong thing again. I don't want to put my heart on the line even in the slightest bit anymore if it's not going to be worth it. It goes deeper than not wanting to be hurt anymore though by somebody who turns out to be a jerk; I don't want to be a jerk to any guy again. After some conversations with a few close friends, I've come to understand a little bit more about myself though, and my dating tendencies, and I don't know what's worth it any more and what's not. I keep praying for God's will here, but I can't help but hope that I don't end up having to wait years for the guy who is worth it. I've given up my idea of being engaged by the time I'm out of college, but it'd be nice to at least have something by graduation so I don't feel like a total failure at this game.

~"In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds morning, and is refreshed." [Khalil Gibran]~

Little kids and love.

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . .

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.


He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.
'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.
'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
'

Jessica - age 8

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.


Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.


When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

It's been a while...

So the semester's good so far. There have been some let-downs, but there are plenty of upsides that make up for them. We make sure that we have a lotta fun out here. We just do a lot of stuff, mostly random stuff, and that's what really makes it a good time. My classes are pretty enjoyable, too, so that helps a lot. I have THE coolest Eng. prof. I've ever had, and I get him for Modern Poetry AND World Lit., so I have him every day.

Sometimes I do get really lonely, but that happens anywhere. It's usually triggered by seeing my friends here catch up with people that they've known from years past. I know that I'm missing out on doing that on my own campus, and I obviously don't have anyone here that I can do that with. I feel enough out of the loop sometimes, and that just adds to it. Fortunately I've been pushed into being more social than I once was, and I deal with things like that as they come. It's to be expected. At least one of my friends warned me about this beforehand because he went through a similar transition when he transferred. It still is never what you expect when people do give you a heads up on things like that.

What strikes me the most about being here is the amazing sense of kindness and faith that are so prevalent. It is really hard to explain because it's one of those things that you never really would completely understand unless you've experienced it, but I know that this environment here is what a Concordia really should feel like. It's definitely fostering my faith, and I love it.

It's going to be really difficult to leave some of these people behind again. I must admit that if it weren't for the fact that I'm so far along in my college career, I'd probably stay out here. It'd be far too much of a hassle at this point to transfer. Besides, I miss enough things about the people on the CUC campus and about that area to warrant going back.

I went home last weekend for a wedding of a guy who my brother and I grew up with, and it was so surreal sitting at the airport and just realizing how much not only how much this experience has already changed me, but just how much I've grown since college began in general. Granted, not all of these are traits I'd like to have stick with me for my whole life, but there's been a heckuva lot that's changed. Those kinds of moments of reflection are much needed sometimes, and they seem to happen best when going back to the place where I used to be both in location and in self.

I already get teary-eyed thinking about leaving. I can't imagine what it will actually be like to part ways in December. Ah well. I just keep reminding myself not to let that stop me from living it up and enjoying each day as much as I can, even if it means putting off homework and staying up late to finish it sometimes.

~"Nothing I can do will ever change your mind. Maybe I'd feel better if I told somebody." ["I'll Believe You When" - Matchbox Twenty]~

Someday. ♥

1. Touch her waist.


2. Actually talk to her.


3. Share secrets with her.


4.Give her 1 of your sweatshirts.


5. Kiss her slowly.


6. Hug her.


7. Hold her.


8. Laugh with her.


9. Invite her everywhere.


10. Hang out with her and your friends together.


11. Smile with her.


12. Take pictures with her.


13. Pull her onto your lap.


14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.


15. When her friends say, "I love her more than you," deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.


16. Always hug her and say hi whenever you see her.


17. Kiss her unexpectedly.


18. Hug her from behind around the waist.


19. Tell her she's beautiful.


20. Tell her the way you feel about her.


21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.


22. Tell her she's your everything - ONLY if you mean it.


23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just hug her.


24. Make her feel loved.


25.Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know.


25. We might deny it but we actually like it when you tickle us.


26.DON'T lie to her.


27.
DON'T cheat on her!

28.Take her ANYWHERE she wants.


29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.


30. Be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can ALWAYS count on you.


31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold YOU too.


32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her.


33. Kiss her on the CHEEK; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).


34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her LIGHTLY.


35. Don;t EVER tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If she's upset, comfort her.


36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.


37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.


38. Lay down under the STARS and put her head on your chest so you can cuddle.


39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.


40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible && MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.


41.Call or text her EVERY night to wish her SWEET DREAMS.


42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.


43. Take her for LONG walks at night.


44. ALWAYS remind her how much you love her.


45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much ypu love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while sitting on her.


46.Rub her back--feels good.


47. Give her your coat if she's cold--thats always cute.


48.Write letters on her back with your finger-- it feels nice.


49.Let her sit on your lap.


50. DON'T poke her hard...but if you want to mess around just do it lightly.


51. HOLD her HAND in PUBLIC.


52. Even if she looks BAD one day tell her she's BEAUTIFUL.


53. Keep conversations flowing...talk about anything and usually they just go along with it.


54. If her hair is in her face, move it out of her face and then kiss her passionately and gently.


55. Surprisingly sneak up on her and hug her from behind-- she loves it.


56. Kiss her in the rain.


57. Pick her up like in The Notebook and kiss her.


58.Slow dance with no music.


59. Don't ignore her or be nervous around her--everything is going to be okay.


60. Love her, kiss her, hold her, and you'll be good to go.




Guys Repost: "i would do this for her"
Girls Repost: "60 things a girl wants but wont ask"

Limbo.

It all started with an 8 a.m. wake-up to pack in high speed and run last minute errands, and it didn't end until 11 o'clock the following night. We hit the road at 11 p.m. on Thursday and made it here at 8:00 the next morning. I didn't do more than doze off now and then on the way here, so I was pretty eager for bedtime on Friday night.

It wasn't really hard leaving home, and it wasn't hard having my family leave. It felt so surreal, especially by the time they were leaving on Friday cuz I was sooo tired. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it. Even right now I'm still half expecting to jump in the car and be driven to Omaha to fly home any time now.

The campus is truly beautiful. The people here are all so nice. I just need to get to know more people. It kinda stinks eating lunch alone and feeling like a freshman again. One of my friends who transferred to CUC after a visiting semester there did warn me about this feeling, so at least I had a heads-up, but it still is kinda rough. I just keep focusing on how it'll get better once the stress of new classes and all is over as well, and once I meet more people.

Guess it didn't help that I was crazy-busy today. Mondays I'll be having 5 classes (including a voice lesson, yaaay!), but Wednesday and Friday it's only four, and (even better!) only ONE on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Unfortunately I can already tell that most of my waking hours are going to be spent doing so. much. stinking. reading. Thank God I was born a reader, huh?

Oh, and let me tell ya how incredibly cool it was to spend most of a class period talking about Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire"! Ask me about that one sometime if you're interested. I think it was one of the best ways to start a class...ever.

I can already tell that this semester holds a lot of ways to deepen my faith. I already am reconnecting after only a few days on campus. =o)

Anyways, I'm trying to stay busy so I don't think about being homesick or anything. I am, after all, going to be home in a few weeks for a wedding. I'm pretty excited for that. Until then, there's PLENTY to do and see!

~"So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves, and I don't need you. And guess what? I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool, so so what? I'm a rock star, I've got my rock moves, and I don't want you tonight!" ["So What" - Pink]~

Hodge-podge.

Ordering books! Cleaning! Packing! Seeing family! Seeing friends! Surgeries! Partying! Shelves! Phone calls! 9 hours drives! Goodbyes! Pictures! Nerves! Excitement! Paperwork! Finishing books! Finishing artwork! Working out! Oil changes! Tire alignments! Sleeping! Barnes and Noble! Finding a new journal! Taking lots and lots of pictures! The end of summer! Cooking! Haircut! Shoes! Laundry! Dates! Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2! Little cousins cheerleading! Motorcyle ride! ONE WEEK! Baaah!

So much to fit into so little time!

~"Dear Prudence, open up your eyes, dear Prudence, and see the sunny skies." ["Dear Prudence" - The Beatles]

When "not soon enough" becomes "too soon"...

I keep getting simultaneous waves of butterflies and nausea when I think of leaving in 2 1/2 weeks for a semester in Nebraska. I am excited to take this adventure on, and heck, I'm even proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone to do it. I do, however, have to wonder what I was thinking.

A lot of people hear me say that I'm studying away for a semester, and they get all excited and (inevitably) ask where. You can tell they are picturing something like Europe or Spain...somewhere outside of the Midwest, for sure. I say, "Nebraska," and usually get something along the lines of, "Oh. What's in Nebraska?" Oh, stop. Your encouragement and enthusiasm are just overwhelming me here. What they don't understand is that this really is a big step for me regardless of how minuscule it seems to them.

This is going to be a semester of a lot of growth for me in ways that I just can't really know yet, but a lot of it in my own strength and independence. I do know that I am going to grow in friendships while I'm out there, too, and that helps my nerves stay in check.

It is hard to think of how much I will be missing at CUC though -- from the people to the random experiences that will translate into inside jokes and references to the neighborhood trees changing colors to the feeling of familiarity. It's really sinking in just how little I will be seeing of my family, too...especially the little cousins and a certain beautiful baby girl who will be walking (WALKING!!!) by the time I'm home again. It's no longer a short train ride home.

It'll be worth it.

~In going where you have to go, and doing what you have to do, and seeing what you have to see, you dull and blunt the instrument you write with. But I would rather have it bent and dulled and know I had to put it on the grindstone again and hammer it into shape and put a whetstone to it, and know that I had something to write about, than to have it bright and shining and nothing to say, or smooth and well oiled in the closet, but unused. [Ernest Hemingway]~

Another one down.

So I just finished The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller, and it's definitely one I am going to reread at some point. Waller's good at putting some extremely abstract things into words, and he does a wonderful job of making the story seem possible. Most love stories clearly don't happen like they are written. There were some really good quotes in there as well.

I want to find my own Robert Kincaid.

~"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them." [The Bridges of Madison County]~

Timeless advice.

I'm reading Jane Austen's Emma right now (another one on my list of classics to read), and once again, Jane Austen's words of wisdom are something to take to heart.

"I lay it down as a general rule, Harriet, that if a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to 'Yes,' she ought to say 'No' directly. It is not a state to be safely entered into with doubtful feelings, with half a heart."

This is taken from Emma giving advice to a younger woman after the woman receives a letter with a proposal in it.

So the bottom line is that you really do have to listen to your whole heart. Don't let other's expectations sway you from what your instincts say.

Hmmm.

The butterflies don't strike me like they used to. They aren't completely gone yet, but maybe they will be one day. I just can't decide if this is good or not. I don't know how I feel about it yet. It's the first time in over a year that they haven't been present.

~"I'm not trying to shut you out. I just don't understand it enough to let you in yet." [-One Tree Hill]~

New poem...

Façade

By Michelle 6/1/08

These bracelets annoy me as much as he does,
Sitting across from me,
Lying with the words he does not say,
Looking at me like I have not changed
And will fall again for his game.

But those months without him were my cure
As I sat alone,
Opening my eyes to the nothingness he has to offer,
Observing how he wanted all control
And willing to give him none.

I am no longer weak enough to fall again
And pine on my knees,
Chasing after his temporary presence,
Choosing the emptiness over loneliness
And willing there to be more.

I am smart enough to take control
And run the game,
Lending my presence but not myself,
Leaning away from the illusions he leads
And the will to settle.

I deserve more.

Dedicated to someone who has no clue that this is about him, and who never will.

A new decade begins.

So 20 came in with a bit of a bang. Lots of storms. We even had some rotating clouds above my house on Saturday. Happy birthday to me, hey? I found out my high school has had some terrible flooding. This slide show depicts what's going on in that part of town.

All of the pictures of what is going on not just in my area, but the entire state, and even the entire Midwest are just awesome in a simultaneously saddening manner. I just saw footage of Lake Delton in the Dells sweeping away lake homes and essentially disappearing...Wow. Can't help but marvel at the power of God.

Despite the weather, I was glad to have a better weekend than I anticipated. I just was not excited about turning 20. I didn't really know how I felt, actually.Two of my friend basically lived at my house this weekend though, and we had a kick-ass bonfire one night, and just did a LOT of talking the entire weekend. That in addition to a lot of time with my family (both sides) was the perfect way to usher in a new decade of my life.

~"Well, who's to blame? Are we making the right choices?" ["Brave" - Idina Menzel]~

Playlist.

Songs I can't stop listening to:

"Realize" - Colbie Caillet
"Brave" - Idina Menzel
"Elephant Love Medley" - Moulin Rouge soundtrack
"Don't Stop The Music" - Rihanna
"See You Again" - Miley Cyrus
"Let It Be" - The Beatles
"Did You Get My Message?" - Jason Mraz
"Picture To Burn" - Taylor Swift
"I'm Only Me When I'm With You" - Taylor Swift
"Anytime" - Eve 6
"The Great Escape" - Boys Like Girls
"The Time Of My Life" - David Cook
"Summertime" - Kenny Chesney
"Used To" - Daughtry
"Over You" - Daughtry

Summer plans.

I got a job. I will be working at Dinner By Design. Seeing as how this was in my top two choices, I'm geeked.

I'm even more excited because it's right next door to a pretty nice gym with a cheap monthly rate, so I can go from work to the gym. Did I mention both places are about 45 seconds from my house (and that's WITH heavy traffic)? I really am going to work hard to stay motivated to go...which will be a bit of a struggle sometimes because I really don't like going by myself. Buuut seeing as how my independent woman factor has steadily been on the rise in the last year, I see no reason for it to cease now.

I leave you with my mantra for the summer.

~"Do one thing that scares you every day." [-Eleanor Roosevelt]~

Summer has begun.

Summer's off to a decent start. I went out to NE again to kick it off, and it was a good trip. I got to spend another night on campus, and I feel even more ready than ever to be out there. I got to see Iron Man in all of its amazingness, too. There was a lot of reading time during the trip, so I was a happy camper. Good company never hurts, either.

Now I've moved on to the next phase of summer: get a job.

Places I've Applied:
- Marble Slab (Coldstone's competition)
- Milaeger's (a greenhouse/giftwares kinda deal)
- Borzynski's (like Milaeger's)
- Barnes and Noble
- Kohl's Department Store (Do they even have the grocery stores anymore?)
- Home Depot
- Steve and Barry's
- T.J. Maxx
- Express Personnel Services (except it has a different name now...)
- Chuck E. Cheese (As a cashier, not a character. The costumes would be too big, haaa.)
- Panera
- Bed Bath and Beyond

I'm also applying at Dinner By Design, which I think would be a fun job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed especially for that one and Steve and Barry's, and of course b&n, but it didn't sound like b&n really is hiring right now. The last two on the list already told me they can't hire me since I just want a summer job, but that's okay. We'll see what happens.

I also drove on the interstate by myself today, so I feel like I could conquer the world right now. Oh, and the coffee helps encourage that feeling, too. =o)

~"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." [Nelson Mandela]~

Walking away.

I feel like this last bit of time is slipping through my fingers. I don't remember where or who it's from, but somebody once compared love to holding a handful of sand: the more tightly you try to hold onto it, the faster it slips out of your grasp. That's how I feel about the time left here, the time left with these people I care about so much and who have inspired me in some way (big or small). I know how cliche that is, but I also know how real it is. This has been one of my best years of school, of life really. That makes it hard to walk away for the summer, for a semester, for (possibly) good.

I'm walking away knowing this is part of finding my place, purpose, and future. This is a process of finding answers to a lot of "what ifs" and a lot of unknowns about myself. I am walking away to test my limits. I am walking away into what feels right.

As I walk away, I'm relying on past experiences that taught me that friendships may fade, but everything from their existence sticks. You are changed, and you carry the change within you. I've also seen how much the friendships that mean the most are strengthened by distance. Those are the ones that grow into something mind-blowingly amazing. I walk away with the experience that friendships are in a constant state of change anyway, and some are just deeper than others. I walk away knowing that I will not lose everything that's been built up the past two years, but I will gain a clearer understanding of it.

It's time to make a mark on another place, but more accurately let someplace else make a mark on me.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ["Closing Time"-Semisonic]

Anything but invincible.

College students are not really invincible, yet we all still like to kid ourselves. Something can hit really close to home (like a friend getting cancer), and we are reminded for a little while again that we are mere mortals, but we walk once again into the delusion that nothing can touch us. We even joke about it. The next event to remind us how wrong we are comes along, and we just continue the cycle. How come it's so easy to forget? The events are usually new situations for all of us, especially because it happens away from home, and the fear of the unfamiliar kicks in.

I was struck the other day in New Testament class by a passage that is helping a lot right now. I hope it helps somebody else, too.

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. [Romans 8: 26-28]

~"Worry looks around, sorry looks back, faith looks up." [an email]~

Too funny not to post!

10

Guess that means I'd better hope for a class no bigger than 10 kids!

Fun fact.

Nosocomephobia-Fear of hospitals.

Yup, that's me.

~"The greatest thing you'll ever know is to love and be loved in return." [Moulin Rouge]~

Part One: The Preview.

So my motivation for this blog? Keeping my dear friend in China up to date on what's up seeing as how lj doesn't work out there, and keeping tabs on a new chapter of my life: a whole semester spent the furthest away from home I've been without my family. That being said...

17 hours until my flight leaves.

I'm heading out to my future school...or at least the one I'll be visiting for a semester. I'm going to get things finalized and get a taste of what it will be like while I'm visiting my best friend and some new friends I met at the basketball tournament between 4 of the Concordias back in January.

I have been on a plane once before: when I was 10. All I remember was that my ears hurt horrendously during the take-off and landing, and my dad and my brother were there. I'm going alone tomorrow. Well, gotta get used to it for the fall. Might as well start now.

I'm nervous for a few aspects of it:
1) A conversation waiting to be had.
2) Sunday's anniversary.
3) Possibly finding out how idealistic I am.

In spite of this, I'm all about taking the risks. After all, "The greater the risk, the greater the reward."

-Sometimes your heart leads you to unexpected places. [CUNE website]-