Congratulations

I got home from a trying afternoon with the preschoolers the other day to find an email with my Student Teaching 1 placement, and it literally was a breath-taking moment. The first line of the email congratulated us on getting to student teach, and that made me tear up. I read my assignment for a 5th grade classroom in a nearby town's public school, and then I proceeded to cry for a spell. I've been looking forward to student teaching since the day I started education classes as a freshman, but it felt like I'd never get to this point. Now it's merely months away, and I sat there trying to figure out how I made it this far and having that mental argument about how ready I am for it.

What got me, though, was that simple "Congratulations!" in the email. I've never stopped to really consider student teaching as an accomplishment. Survival of student teaching resulting in a diploma? Yes, that one's easy to see, but not this.

It really clicked, though, that this is what I have been working toward for the past 4 years. This is it. This is my future becoming the present. These are my goals becoming a reality. This is the point where there's no turning back, gotta plunge in head-first and prepare for the bumps, bruises, and learning along the way.

Those were tears with a myriad of emotions behind them: elation for actually getting a placement, a few for fear of the unknown (and those 5th graders), laughter at the ironic timing (when I felt pretty low after a rough day), joy for the wonderful things that will come with the experience, and some melancholy ones that came with the recognition that college as I know it will never be the same as the past few years.

Hello, again, adulthood. Thanks for giving me constant reminders that you've arrived for good. I'm ready for the adventures you have in store for me. Bring it on.

~"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." [-I Tim. 4:12]~

Inspiration

A wise and beautiful poetry professor once told me that the way to get over the writer's block-induced dry spells of writing was to just start writing.

I finally listened.

I've been reading a book about writing that I've been borrowing from a friend for oh, I don't know, at least a year now, I suppose, and it's challenged me back into writing. I've also been looking back on things I've jotted down as beginnings/parts of/ideas for poems from the past. I've missed it so much, and I've been really frustrated to not be writing.

I've been writing both short stories and cranked out a poem, and I toyed around with another one today. Only of those is almost ready to share (unless you are willing to proofread, then it's ready to read now). I've also been tossing around some ideas for a children's book. Maybe that will amount to something someday. We'll see.

~"From time to time, from the endless flow of our mental imagery, there emerges unexpectedly something that, vague though it may be, seems to carry the promise of a form, a meaning, and, more important, an irresistible poetic charge." [Leo Lionni]~

Summer Living

Spring is finally here, and yet all I can think about is summer. I am ready to be done with this crazy schedule the semester brought, even if it is just to switch to a new hectic schedule. My summer plan is to stay out here, take a class as an independent study (my last required one for my English degree, so I'll technically have one degree down, one to go! CRAZY!), and work at least one job (although I'm hoping for two).

Since I'm staying here, I've been planning on staying in a house nearby. It's HUGE -- 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms -- but it's kind of a pit. Guys have been living there for the past, oh, 6 years? It's also been a notorious party house. The landlord hasn't really kept up with it, so there's a lot of work to do and cleaning to be done. I'd be moving back into the dorms for the fall semester...regular dorms, not the apartment style one I'm in now. The upsides? I'll have a pretty sweet roommate for the summer, and it'll be $150 for the whole summer (with pitching in on cleaning/painting).

Option number two is an apartment with a lease until the end of December. It's 2 bedrooms, located in the middle of town, and I wouldn't have to move out after summer's over. It's 4something a month (including utilities), but with a roommate, that's not bad.

It's time to make some decisions here. Do I want to spend my summer living in a house that desperately needs TLC, or would I rather just have a place to call "mine" and settle into?

This makes me feel frustrated, though, because I'm ready to just be done with the moving around that college brings. I'd like to just move into a place and stay there, settle in, and establish a home. I guess it's a good thing there's only one year left because I'm so ready to just move on with my life.

~"I feel sexiest when I'm in love with somebody. When I'm in love with somebody and I know they're looking at me the way that I'm looking at them, which is from the most honest form of attraction, there's a comfort there and a confidence there that definitely is sexiest." [Josh Groban]~

Easter Break-My-Heart

21 years old is notorious for being that age where you're finally legal to drink, but I think that overshadows a lot of what being 21 has entailed...at least for me. For all I know, for some 21 year olds that really is the only significance. For me, it's been comprised of yes, my fair share of enjoying legality, but also a number of decisions made solely by me. I've been faced with a number of situations where I've had to put myself first and figure out what's best for me, just me. A relationship ended, a move occurred, a new job began, my first taste at apartment life came along, and responsibility has trumped wishes on a number of occasions. There have even been Friday and Saturday nights spent doing homework instead of going out. I felt so lame, but I knew that it's a part of life.

Adulthood struck again right before Easter break. I was slated to go home, something I decided two weeks beforehand during Spring Break. I originally intended to stay here and enjoy being at my home church in Seward. The closer it got to being time to go home, the more I dreaded it. I wasn't looking forward to the drive, I needed to do a lot of hw that I knew would not get done if I left, and really, I was not looking forward to a stressful Easter. I also had to spend Monday driving all day and then going to work. Not really my idea of fun, nor would it be a helpful note to end the semester on. I decided to stay here, a decision that came with many tears. I felt like I was disappointing my family somehow, and I was also missing a major holiday with them. I voluntarily put myself and responsibility before my family. I've been raised that family ALWAYS comes first, so this went against my very nature. It was a weird feeling.

The worst part, however, was realizing that this won't be the first time that I'll have to do that...and it broke my heart a little.

So these are the repercussions of being an adult...

~"Find your purpose and fling your life out to it. Find a way or make one. Try with all your might. Self-made or never made." [-Orison Swett Marden]~