Bittersweetness-Induced Panic

Two weeks ago marked the end of the wonderful opportunity to be the peer instructor for a group of optimistic, open-minded, curious, kind-hearted, and intelligent freshman. How could I not be excited about seeing them every week?

On our last night together, I shared these words with them about getting out and challenging themselves, recognizing how they are growing along the way, and basically just really making the most of their time here.

I'm excited for Texas, don't get me wrong, but now's the time where I'm panicking.

have i done enough here? did i challenge myself enough? did i really meet my full potential here?

will i be okay out there?

will i find a place to fall in love with like the comfortable home i found in seward? will i find a "family" in wherever i end up after this? how long until i feel "at home" again?

Who knew such an long awaited event could be so bittersweet?

Whatever the future holds, it'll be an "adventya."

~"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." [Ferris Bueller's Day Off]~

Library Musings

Quiet buzzing of florescent lights threatening to become a nuisance. [plug in headphones. problem solved.]

Footsteps from high heels overhead. [who wears high heels to the library at 7 at night?]

The silence of the lower level. [sigh as people overtake a nearby table and start talking. be grateful they are keeping it at a whisper]

Bold oranges and daring blues. [why this color scheme? power colors? to help keep college students awake as they chip away at homework mountains?]

The same spot as usual. [the old one would've been perfect without that draft.]

A row of books that are too old to demand attention softly summon tired eyes and a mind in need of a break. [are those really ralph waldo emerson, mark twain, washington irving, and nathaniel hawthorne, and henry david thoreau hanging out there?]

The perfect spot.

[time to get to work.]

~"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." [-Donald Kendall]~

BrakeBreak

Slow down. Stop. Relax. Step back from life for a while. Take a breath.

Refresh.

Renew.

Reconnect.

Enjoy.

laughter.late nights.sleeping in.coffees.walks.homemade meals.comfy beds.family.road trips.growing relationships.adventures.pictures.birthdays.tornadoes.sightseeing.shared spaces.special places.christmas music.love.

Return.

Remember all the lofty ambitions you had about being productive during break.

Laugh your foolishness.

Recall that you're a 5th year senior -- the living, breathing proof that "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

...and relish the memories made.

~"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to be lost again." [-Unknown]~

Music Oasis

There's something to be said for watching people doing what they are passionate about, and my absolute favorite one to witness is people performing music.

Tonight we went to see Handel's Messiah performed by the KC Symphony Orchestra and Chorus, and my goodness...I had shivers before they even began.

There's just no substitution for being engulfed in music.

Josh Groban is my go-to music any time I want to just close my eyes and get lost in music. It can be just one song in the midst of a crazy day, blasting it in the car, or listening to it on my iPod as I fall asleep.

You can make all the faces you want about Josh Groban being my music oasis, but I'd be willing to bet that you can relate. I bet you even had your music oasis come to mind while you read about mine. And I bet that now you're itching to go and put it on.

~"Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime is not enough for music." [-Sergei Rachmaninov]~

The Thought That My Inbox Counts

Thanksgiving is my 2nd favorite holiday because it means a whole chunk of quality family time. This year that meant time with somebody else's fantastic family, and it was a wonderfully relaxing day. I know my own family's busy doing their thang today, too, so we'll probably save our catching up until tomorrow.

Here's the thing about holidays. Everyone likes to acknowledge them, and now that includes Facebook statuses and even text messages.

Ahhh, the text messages.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of being thought of by friends on holidays, but do I really need to get a million text messages with holiday wishes? Not so much. The thought's appreciated, but the beeping phone is not. Not on a relaxing day with the family.

The solution this year was easy: leave my phone in the bedroom all day. I should do that more often.

~"Think of me, think of me fondly..." ["Think of Me" - The Phantom of the Opera]~

Laughter

Tonight we had my nephew's 2nd birthday party. We had about 13 people crammed into our living room and kitchen.

Laughter surrounded us.

I don't think there's a more beautiful sound than the laugh of a child.

Especially when that child is my adorable nephew. :)

The Art of Words

I can't say enough how much I love words. I s'pose that's pretty obvious because I blog, but still...you can do amazing things with them.

Like kinetic typography.

Or using a mix of kinetic typography and images to bring something influential to a new dimension of awe-inspiring. This version of the Gettysburg Address left me speechless.

And I'm adding kinetic typography to my list of things I'll play around with someday when I have boatloads of time.

~"No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. [-Henry Brooks Adams]~

Quick Quote

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. ~John Ed Pearce

Cousinfriendsiblings

This was my posse growing up. My cousins and I are more siblings/best friends/arch rivals (depending on the day) than real cousins, and I wouldn't trade what we've got for anything.

I am impatient to see their wonderful faces again and share some crazy times.

I love the holiday season...mostly because of this. :)

~"I know why families were created, with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed." [

-Anaïs Nin]~

Next Stop: Texas

There's something really reassuring about getting confirmation. It doesn't matter how minimal the percentage of the answer changing is, there's a sense of relief connected to certainty.

It's official. I will get about 1 month of winter this year because from January to about the end of April, I'll be in Tomball, Texas student teaching preschoolers first and then 2nd graders.

Perfect timing -- my roommate just informed me that Texas means "friend" in a Native American language. I'm sure there are some of those there. :)

In the spirit of this, only one thing comes to mind. Anyone ever seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure? (Yeah, I went there.)

This is what I think of when I think of Texas. (And I'm begging my roommate to add a road trip to the Alamo to the list of things to do while we're there.)

And this just makes me laugh. And is also a running family joke.

~"This time, don't need another perfect line, don't care if critics ever jump in line, I'm gonna give all my secrets away." ["Secrets" - OneRepublic]~

No Explanation Needed...But Given Anyways

I've never explained the title of my blog. It's on the extensive list of things I've been meaning to do but haven't gotten around to yet.

Kudos to The Challenge for already making me step it up.

I started this thing 3 years ago as I prepared for a semester at CUNE so I could document the whole experience. To gear myself up, I thought about all of the independence I'd be gaining as I learned to stand on my own without my family being so close by (a new and terrifying thought...most of my family lives within an hour of one another back home). I'd have to learn to fend for myself.

I find theme songs for each phase of my life. While preparing to come out here, I geared up by listening to "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks...the lyrics just clicked (not a fan of their voices, though).

A young girl's dreams no longer hollow

It takes the shape of a place out west

But what it holds for her she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces

Room to make a big mistake

She needs new faces

She knows the high stakes

I didn't know what Nebraska held for me, but I knew I'd walk away changed. I'd walk away a stronger person. Little did I know that I'd stay here for 2 and a half years and would struggle with the idea of leaving. No way did I anticipate learning as many life lessons here as I have.

Sometimes we just need to go out and do something on our own. We need to make our own mistakes and messes so we can learn to fix them and grow from them. It isn't always easy -- we definitely end up stepping on some toes in the midst of finding our own paths. We just have to make ourselves forget about that, though, and find ourselves however we need to.

This blog is a collection of my messes and what I've walked away from them with. It's about the chances I'm taking and the paths I'm exploring. It's my story of how I step on some toes, but how I need to explore because there's so much out there to experience.

I have a lot of growing left to do.

~"If these are life lessons, she'll take this test." ["Wide Open Spaces" again]~

It's On??

I can't back down from a challenge.

...or can I?

A few friends are starting to participate in a 365-day challenge to blog every day.

Yes, that's right.

Every. Day.

I've heard of people doing this before...but with photography. I was also intrigued by that, but I didn't do anything with it.

I have been itching to get to write more again.

I also have heard some very encouraging things about my writing recently (which, of course, is hard to accept).

It's crazy, but I like crazy ideas. Some of the best memories and such come from crazy ideas, in fact.

Sorry, Shakespeare. Your age-old question's out. The question is now, "To blog challenge, or not to blog challenge?"

Here are some reasons I can think of to say no:

• I'm forgetful sometimes. And lazy. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really ambitious, I'm both at the same time.

• I never feel like my writing holds a candle to anyone else's. I know a lot of gifted writers.

• I have this deep urge to write something that makes a difference, something that really matters to people. It goes hand-in-hand with a selfish desire for my blog to be a "must-read" that just circles back to the previous point.

• A year seems like a terribly long time.

And yet...here are the rebuttals:

• No standards. No restrictions. Complete freedom. It's as simple or complex as I make it.

• So what if my writing's not up to par with somebody else's? The point of writing isn't to be better than the next guy. Was an idea communicated? Oh, good. Then the goal was accomplished.

• Who cares what other people think?

"You never know 'til you try," right?

I already have an idea for a post for tomorrow.

...I might be getting sucked in already.

~"Adventure is worthwhile." [Amelia Earhart...one of my childhood heroes]~

A Few of My Favorite Things

I've been starting to narrow down the endless possibilities of my future, and it looks like my job search will be primarily focused on NC and the upper Midwest.

My boyfriend and I have nearly polar opposite opinions on where we'd like to live most. He's a city boy, and I'm more of a small town and country kinda girl. We try to remind one another of the pros and cons of each other's preferences as often as possible.

It was during my CUC days that I came to grips with how I'll never really be a city girl even if I live in one for a while. My heart will always been in small towns and the country...and here's why.

To each their own, but for this girl, city life isn't my first choice. That's not to say it's out of the question, mind you, but when I'm there, I do miss all of those things way too much -- the sights, the sounds, the smells. It truly is the little things in life that can mean a lot.

I don't know where I'll be in a matter of months, but I hope it's not too far away from some of those wonderful things.

~"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born to fly?" ["Born to Fly" - Sara Evans]~

Another One for the (Quote) Books

So my latest teaching gig is in a preschool room in a town 20 mins away from Seward. Still a small farm town -- smaller than where I did Student Teaching 1, actually. It's with preschoolers, and the good quotes never fail.

Today's may have been one of my absolute favorites.

The kids had taken all of the stuff out from under the big table in the middle of the room, and they were pretending they were camping. They were getting rather loud (but hey, they only got to go outside for 5 minutes due to cruddy weather, so ya can't blame 'em), and the teacher said they needed to be quiet so they didn't wake up the bears.

One boy (a great storyteller, mind you), seeing his window of opportunity, began roaring like a bear and walking around. Pretty entertaining...but all of us (the teacher, the para, and us 2 student teachers) lost it when he bellowed, "I'm wiggin' out!!"

I love kids. :)

"Show me what I'm looking for."

Sometimes it's incredible how fitting songs are. This is another case of this in my life.

You can't just take what you're told and accept it. You have to know where you stand on issues, not where you're expected to stand.

Be bold enough question what you're told.

Be brave enough to admit when you don't know.

Be discontent enough to seek answers.

Most of all, be open minded. When you don't know where you stand, how can you tell other people they are flat out wrong? Ask questions and listen to all that other people have to say. Only once you know where you stand can you tell people that you disagree.

And when you disagree, have the courtesy to go beyond telling them they are wrong. Do them a favor and tell them why you believe what you believe.

What am I looking for? Understanding and the peace the comes with it. The certainty that comes with knowing what I believe, and the ability to explain why I believe what I believe.

It's a road of prayer, research, and consideration. It's a bumpy road, and, although it's frustrating, it's okay. It's an adventure.

~"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." [-Irish Proverb]~

Resounding Theme of My Life