Growing [from] Pains

Last weekend was a terrible weekend that turned into a purely fantastic one. It was a beautiful lesson in how much we need other people in our lives, especially in times when we are really hurting. After opening up to a few people about issues plaguing me, a long and emotional cry (so cliche for a girl, I know, but seriously one of the best outlets), and some wonderfully and bluntly honest conversations, the entire situation was just put into perspective, and I felt so much better about everything that had been weighing on me. What can I say? "I get by with a little help from my friends" [The Beatles] is a concept that keeps becoming more and more prominent in my life. :)

This weekend I spent the most time in the apartment than I have all semester, but it's been good...which surprises me. The past few weekends have gotten to just be frustratingly boring with so little to do outside mundane homework. This weekend was the first weekend I didn't go to Lincoln on Saturday, so there's been even less to do, so there's not even much to speak of there.

Oh, wait. There was some seething. Yes, seething. Sometimes people need to just man up and have the courage to tell you the truth. It's a slap in the face to not even matter enough to get that. I'm ready to walk away from that. The second I realized how stupid it was to be seething about it was the second I felt better about that whole situation and realized that yes, I am worth more than that, and yes, I will keep fighting for fairness. Perhaps this situation's a lost cause, but it's a lesson for the future. The whole situation wasn't worthless. That's a relief.

This has been quite a growing semester in the first 3 weeks...it's more than I could have asked for, and it makes me excited to see how much more is in store over the remaining time.

~"Somewhere in him, a shadow turned mournfully over. You had to run on a night like this, so the sadness could not hurt." [Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury]~

"I ain't settling for anything less than everything."

Silence is just as much a lie as false words.

Think about that one. People can make stuff up and string you along before the truth is dumped on you, and you're slammed so hard that you don't even know where to start finding your way again. They don't have to say anything to slam you the same way, though. Honestly, I don't know which one's worse. I guess maybe the silence because at least then you don't have to get used to someone's absence; they were never really there.

People say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. If that's true, then call me insane. It's time to change things up and really stop trusting people blindly...the ones who don't want to deal with those walls can just walk away; the ones who are worth it will have the patience to wear them down. Show me you aren't like the rest. Show me you're brave. Show me you're better. If you're the same as the rest, keep on walkin' cuz this girl's done taking the crap.

~"A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." [Proverbs 22:3]~

Future unknown...

So the other day at lunch a friend pointed out that I could be engaged by now if I hadn't ended a relationship...you know when you have a bruise on your shin that's finally starting to heal, and then you run into the coffee table again and have to deal with it all over again? Yeah, it's kinda like that. And then today I went to a dress shop to try on a bridesmaid dress for my dear friends' wedding in June (they didn't have it in yet though, phooey), and since it was really busy I got a lot of time to look around at all of the dresses. There were two girls around my age in there trying on dresses and talking about bridesmaid dresses with their friends.

I'm not exactly disappointed with the fact that I'm not at that point yet because I certainly haven't found that person who could put up with me for our whole lives yet, but it still to some degree feels like I've somehow struck out a lot here. Maybe it's the fact that it's a reminder of my less than stellar luck in the fairly recent past, or maybe it's that now someday when I do get engaged I won't be able to be that near to my friends to take random trips to go and try on dresses or whatever when we have free time during the weekends...I don't even know how far away from my friends I'll be when that happens. Maybe it's feeling like a bit of a failure for not following the typical Concordia girl timeline of being engaged by the time I leave. Maybe it's the unknown of it all...not knowing the who or the when...or at this point it feels like the if (I know, that's probably not true, but it still can feel that way. You know what I mean). It's part of this whole reality check goin' on about just how close the end of this phase of our lives is getting and how terrifying that is...part of the anxieties that someday I'll look back on and laugh at myself for.

I'm always astounded when song lyrics fit my life, but this one is the first one in a while that really genuinely left me speechless afterwards because it said it ALL..."Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble is what I'll leave ya with for today's quote.

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

[Chorus]
And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility

[Chorus]

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right and
we'll be united

[Chorus 2]
And I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility.

[Chorus x3]

Newness.

I don't even know where this new year came from because it really just snuck up on me. I still am in denial that Christmas whizzed by this year. It's crazy how time seems to speed up each year...but maybe that's just me. I have made absolutely no resolutions yet, and I'm okay with that. Maybe this year my resolution should be not to make any. :P In all seriousness, I think that my two main goals of the year will be to improve my time and finance management skills. Oh, and to have as much fun as possible with all of the landmark steps coming up for my friends, mainly graduations and weddings.

Vegas was a pretty great trip. I absolutely love getting to travel and see new things! We did a lot of walking around and exploring, and I got some decent pictures. I hope to get go back someday and get a lot more, though. (Random note: this year I also want to figure out the more technical things on my camera. I've started to, but I really need more practice). I loved getting to see mountains all the time while we were there. It made me realize that I want to hike up one someday (hopefully when I go to Alaska in June!). My favorite day was Tuesday, our only full day there, because we did the most walking around that day. I got my wallet stolen in the morning and was without my ID for 12 hours (thankfully I didn't bring any credit cards with, the ID was the only important thing in there), so I couldn't gamble, but that was okay...I'm not big on gambling at all. I played some slots, but my money mostly went to food, cab rides, and souvenirs. It took forever to find actual postcards because all I kept seeing were digital ones! Seriously, digital postcards. Think about that one for a minute.

One thing that surprised me about Vegas was how nice everyone was there. Every single person that I talked to, especially of the people working there, were so sweet and friendly. I guess it makes sense that you'd really have to be a "people person" to work and live around there with so many tourists, but I guess I didn't think about that beforehand. I'm so used to it in my little Concordia bubble, but it blows me away that a place called Sin City is actually full of fun, friendly people. That's a big part of why I wouldn't mind going back.

Here's one of over 200 pictures I took while I was there...and probably one of my favorites.



Alright, time to stop being a slacker and force myself to get some stuff done so I can head to my other home tomorrow! I miss the people there terribly...can't wait to see my "family" again. Even though two dear members will be missing, it should still be a great semester. Maybe I won't be sick for half of this one! :)

~"While a camera does not express the soul, perhaps a photograph can." [-Ansel Adams]~

"Break" is always a teasing title...

I don't know why I always come home for a break from school expecting to really slow down. That never happens because there are so many people to see, and everyone lives all over the place. Since I moved in with my dad, that adds to the chaos even more because I have to coordinate my drives up there for errands/seeing family to fit in as many visits with friends as I can since I am not, in fact, made of gas money. It'd be nice, though. I've gotten a lot of time in with the family though, and I've gotten some serious time with my nephew, too, so it's been a good time.

The next thing on the agenda is leaving for Vegas at 7ish tomorrow morning with my aunt. I'm pretty excited to go and see a lot of the stuff that I see all the time in movies and such. I'm not big on gambling because 1) I don't have much money and 2) I'd rather spend money on something that's not possibly throwing away money, but I do plan on playing some poker and some slots. I plan on taking a ton of pictures, too. We're only there for 3 days, and I think that's the perfect amount of time for such an expensive city. This will be another city on my list of places to see that I will be able to cross off in a few days. Still a lot of traveling to do before my list is complete, though. :)

I have this thing for airports. I really like exploring them. I've only been to three that I really remember, but one doesn't count because tomorrow will be my first time being there to actually travel rather than just to drop someone off. I like sitting amidst all of the action, though, and the excitement of going somewhere different.

Before any trip begins, the packing must get done. I've been focusing on music and miscellaneous things while slowly packing, but it's time to buckle down and get it done now.

~"Live right now, and just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." ["The Middle" - Jimmy Eat World]~