Way Back Behind the Starting Line

I'd tell you that I'd rather have plans change because I did something to mess them up, but I'm not sure that's true.

I'd tell you that I'd rather have plans change because of someone else or something that's out of my control, but that's not true either.

I'd really rather just have my plans stay just as they were to begin with.

But then again, maybe that's not true, either.

See, here's the thing:
There is beauty in the unexpected.

I'm working through some frustrations right now over having to miss out on something I was really, really looking forward to -- because life happens, you know? -- but I just feel like pouting about it and being mad for a while. I want to stomp and grump and be childish about it.

I'm taking this change of plans harder than usual because I had a plan and was finally ready to start taking steps on a new adventure. Missing out on this one thing temporarily robs me of my first step. It postpones the beginning of my journey, and I'm really mad because it took a long time and many factors to push me to the starting line with confidence and determination. I prayed and planned and sought advice and prayed and planned some more, and I mustered my courage, and now I'm stuck waiting again.

I'm still confident and determined, mind you, but now I'm pushed back 50 yards behind my starting line.

And yet...

Perhaps this extra time is what I need to prepare myself to do my best. 

Perhaps it's a call to focus my time and energy in some other areas for now. 

Or perhaps it was a chance to see just how much I want this new adventure to be reality. 

This is a temporary setback, but it's an opportunity for other things to happen. And usually when something else happens besides what I have planned it ends up being much more awesome than what I'd planned to begin with.

So I'll take some deep breaths, stretch a little more to get ready, and hit the ground running again when the time is right.

Home

I'm taking a short break from school work, and this article called "When Going Home for the Holidays Hurts" by Liz Riggs caught my eye. You can read it here if you're interested. 

I've always sort of felt conflicted about going home when I have this home now. There's a part of me that's never going to stop being a Wisconsin girl, but to call myself that now feels like a lie because Nebraska's such a big part of me, too. You can't just drop your roots, but you can't discount where life has brought you, either. (At least I'm safe wearing red and white in both states!)

It's also easy to question myself when we go see our family because it's hard to shake the feeling that we've abandoned them by living here. That doubt must be overridden by remembering the many prayers that I said during college about my future. I asked for God to help me be a teacher and to put me where He needed me (most preferably in a Christian school), let me enjoy where I ended up living, and help me find a good man to settle down with. Well, check, check, check. We grow up and have to go where we're needed, where we can make the world better. We both have been blessed to get the jobs we've dreamed about and worked toward so we do what we love each day. We've been further blessed to have found each other while here and love each day with each other. It's hard to let yourself believe you've abandoned anyone when you wouldn't have met your spouse without being here. I do remind Tim that it's a good thing my family loves him, though, or they'd have smuggled me back to Wisconsin a long time ago. :)

I do think one more part of the ache that I get whenever we go home is the way that our worlds are so separate. There are some people from when I lived back home who have never been in this state to see the beauty that captured my heart the first time I visited and still think we're crazy to be out here. There are people who used to walk into my house like it was theirs, too, who have no idea what my home looks like now...let alone my life. That separation of what once was familiar and what's familiar now can be hard, too. I want my worlds to all be interconnected rather than having to explain everything. On the other hand, there are times my heart is saddened when I have to explain to my husband how it used to be when we are back in my hometown or when I know I won't ever fully understand his explanation of how something used to be in his life. 

But this is life: 

ever-changing. 

There's nothing wrong with having more than one place to think of as "home", though. After all, they say, "Home is where the heart is." My heart has pieces all over the country with the friends and family I love, and it also lies in the places I've been able to live over the years. While change isn't always easy to digest, it's a blessing to see the progress both people and places make in between our visits. 

I am thankful for the opportunities we have to get together with our family multiple times in the year, though, despite everyone being spread out all over. I think 1) without those visits and 2) without modern technology it'd be a lot harder to live away from "home" in this place we call home now. It makes us cherish the time we do have together a lot more rather than taking it for granted. 

I love this song by Tim McGraw. I feel like it captures it really well when it touches on how much you are surprised to find that you miss about home when you move away. I find myself appreciating so many little things about home when we get to head back there, and I also find myself missing some really strange things sometimes (like "real" snow...aka the big, fat, fluffy flakes from lake effect snow!). Plus who doesn't just marvel at the awesome duets of Tim McGraw and Faith Hill??