The Bittersweet Taste of Irony

My friends and I used to complain so much about our hometown. Even now we joke about all of the ways it's terrible...like our lovely Lake Michigan water with beaches that occasionally close for E. coli. But deep down we can't deny that there's at least some appreciation for it.

The difference is that being away from it has put it in a new light which shows all the ways that spending time in a place shapes us. "Home" has long-since come to embrace people rather than a physical place, and the same is very true of Racine.

For all the years that I said I couldn't wait to get out, I never would have expected to be sad when it actually happened.

The day has officially arrived, my friends, where I can no longer call myself a Wisconsin resident.

I know what you're thinking. "Ummm, Michelle? Didn't you move months ago?"

True. But it's also true that I have slacker tendencies and just got my license changed.

It was weirdly saddening to see them draw the big black X on my Wisconsin license. That little plastic square still gave me a sense of Wisconsin pride when I flashed it every time I got carded...until they asked about being a Packer fan, of course. (Gag!) I won't miss that. At all.

They gave me a nice paper Nebraska one to use until I got my new license. [Btw, classy is definitely pulling out a paper license to buy a bottle of wine at the grocery store. ] It was still a little surreal.

Until today, that is. There is was: the white envelope from the state of Nebraska. My new Nebraska license.

The official doors slamming shut on the old and opening up to the new.

Thd Good Life has really become My Life.

I'll always be a Wisconsin girl at heart, but now I'm a licensed Nebraskan.

~"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." [-Unknown]~

Small Doses

I don't know about you, but sometimes I am a lot more talk that I am action...especially when it comes to new things.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a colleague about some of the sightseeing I haven't done yet around Nebraska. Believe it or not, there are actually a lot more things to see out here than corn and cows. Since some of you will refuse to believe me without proof, here are a few things we've got goin' for us out here.

- The Homestead National Monument

- Chimney Rock

- The Willa Cather Museum

- A lot of awesome state parks

- The Kool-Aid Museum (Yeah, that's right, it was invented here. Booyah.)

All of those things (and others) are on my list of future endeavors. You know, those "someday" things.

But when is "someday" going to be here? Obviously it hasn't really hit anytime in the past 4 months that I've been here.

Slowly I'm gaining my footing. I'm getting more adventurous. I'm challenging myself to rise beyond the "someday" to make it happen. Let's face it: sometimes it just won't happen if we aren't deliberate. Just look at how many cleaning or organizing projects get blown off until a "rainy day." How many rainy days do you spend doing plenty of other things instead? Yeah, me too.

It's just takes baby steps, just like in What About Bob?

A Place That Holds Me

Once upon a time there were two girls who were 3 months apart in age and inseparable when they were in the same state every other weekend. When they weren't playing football with the boys, these girls could be found riding bikes. Their top 3 destinations included Mandinos for cheese fries, Vans for random office supplies, gum, or Jones soda, and -- more often than not -- the park. They loved to sit by the creek under the bridge.

In movies it'd be the kind of bridge and creek that would be tucked away in the woods and would take some work to get to. In this park it was out in the open and just a quick ride over the gravel parking lot.

This creek held hours of heart-to-heart conversations on the rocks with feet dangling in the water and notebooks nearby. There were just words and listening and laughter and love. It's here that we solved each other's problems, shed some tears, and swung from the bridge to skim the water on hot days. It's where we'd flee the torture of our older brothers and the noise of our younger cousins, and we'd feel independent. It's here where our friendship really gained a lot of its footing.

The enchantment of this spot still lingers to this day, hitting me all over again when I pause here for a few minutes whenever I'm home. It's the place I long for when I need to "get away from it all" to clear my head -- a quiet and forgotten corner of the world.

~"How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you -- you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences -- like rags and shreds of your very life." [-Katherine Mansfield]~

The Magic of Black and White

This video is definitely a current favorite...

Close your eyes and focus on Adele's voice in this song, and you become lost in the talent that lies there as well as the passion pouring out in her words.

And the lyrics are so emotionally raw. It's heart-wrenching because of the love one person still feels for this other person who has already moved on. What person who has experienced breaking up with somebody they deeply care about has not worried about being in this same situation?

The black and white video amazes me more and more every time I watch it. I think using black and white in cinematography or photography has a magical touch to it where it drowns out the distractions and really draws attention to the person's face. It amplifies the emotions there, be they hidden or etched into the person's face.

And that's why I love taking black and white photographs. Or taking color photographs and turning them into black and white. There's also a magic in warmified black and white, but that still doesn't measure up to the power of the classic b&w combo.

~"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know." [-Diane Arbus]~

Sometimes The Best Things Take Us By Surprise

Today was one of the best kinds of days.

You know:

the kind that starts after you were awake most of the night before because you were dreading its arrival,

comes after a yesterday that kicked your butt and make you fear what this day could bring,

surprises you with not only being good but by being downright wonderful.

I felt like I could take on the world after the school day was done. Instead I just tackled making some plans to change up the room even more. There were even sketches involved. It was intense.

A word wall and a new bulletin board are coming to a kindergarten room near you soon.*

[*Both "near" and "soon" are relative terms..."near" being anywhere between 10 minutes and 10 hours away, and "soon" being anything within the next 2 wks. Just sayin'.]

~"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine." [-Anthony J. D'Angelo]~

Not Sold in Stores

This song has been stuck in my head today. Actually, this song gets stuck in my head a lot. If my life had a soundtrack available on iTunes and wherever fine music is sold, this song would definitely be on it. [Still hashing out what that title track would be.]

I picked the Across the Universe version because they did such a great job with it. But I digress.

Sometimes I think I'd explode without being able to talk through things with the people around me. I've been so blessed to have people who listen and let me bounce ideas off of them before going the extra mile by graciously sharing their wisdom with me. I've been especially thankful for that in this time of trying to gain my footing while getting my feet wet in so many different things for the first time. And if you know me, you know how coordinated I happen to not be. It's tricky, but it definitely could be worse!

To those of you around me who uplift me in so many different ways -- from kind words to listening ears to reminding me that my world is bigger than a classroom -- thank you. :)

Oh, and no worries --I'll keep you posted on the release date of that soundtrack.

The Unavoidable, Unexpected Parts of Life

What happens when you open your mind to embrace the unexpected things that come in life?

Extraordinary things.

Beautiful things.

Intriguing things.

And yes, sometimes hard things.

Because reality has a soft, gentle side that's glorious

and a sharp side that's wounding.

The wonderful things remind us to have hope and dreams, to love and adore freely.

And the sharp things remind us to have courage and faith, to grow and be strengthened.

But it's all there, all wrapped into our days.

I'm good at getting frustrated about unexpected things, but then I am forced to ask myself...

If I always got to choose what I wanted instead of have the unexpected happen, where would I be right now?

I know for sure I wouldn't be where I am right this second. I'm sure I'd be okay, but wow, I'd sure be missing out on a lot of great things.

There's a song called "Awful, Beautiful Life" by Darryl Worley that I just love, but the part that catches me is in the last verse:

I laid in bed that night and thought about the day

And how my life is like a roller coaster ride,

The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way,

It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight.

You can't really smile until you've shed some tears.

I could die today or I might live on for years.

I love this crazy, tragic,

Sometimes almost magic,

Awful, beautiful life.

I think Darryl gets me.

Life Lately

friends

love

california

memories

new endeavors

pumpkin soup

coffee

football

yes, life is good.

A Day of Rest

sleeping in

lingering in pajamas

with hot coffee in hand

time with God

a time to write

pour out my feelings

including ones i didn't know were there

thinking about school

and a drive to lincoln

grocery shopping wins out

with a quick stop to hunt for some sweaters

because i'm an adult now

and need to dress like it

and i'm surprised because it's all more fun than i thought

even the clothes shopping

and i realize i'm learning how to be alone

and to enjoy my own company

just like i'd hoped would someday happen

conquering a pumpkin

turning it into soup

but disappointed that the pumpkin seeds were just not right

i tried to bake them anyways

oh, how i love pumpkin seeds

but they were awful

cleaning the kitchen with a glass of wine and oldies serenading me

before the wine joined me for a movie

and picture editing

and i'm wrapped up in the world of Jane Austen

and brought back to last weekend

all at once

yes.

a day of rest indeed.

~"God didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?" [-Anonymous]~

Thankful.

I went to a conference today in Lincoln, and it was basically a mini-reunion. Other Concordia grads, some student teachers, and some professors. It was great to see so many people again.

It was also surreal in a sense to be seeing those people again as a professional.

So much has happened in less than a year.

And it reaffirmed what they say: the Lutheran circle's pretty small, and it gets smaller everyday.

I am so excited to see what the remaining months of the year bring.

The theme of the conference was "Rooted and Growing in Christ", and the theme verse sums it up how I feel perfectly:

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. [Colossians 2:6-7]

More FYT Adventures

First-ever parent teacher conferences are DONE.

So is my first tango with writing report cards.

Next time remind me not to go out of town and not do a thing to prep while on the trip...because I don't like being on the couch at 2 a.m. writing out report cards and falling asleep with a pen in my hand.

...not that I would trade this past weekend for anything.

It looked like a tornado hit my apartment. I didn't even make my bed this morning. That's only about the 2nd time that's happened since I moved here. This is serious, folks.

Speaking of my bed...off to go catch up on some quality time there.

Because I Needed This.

reliving memories from the weekend in waking and in sleeping.

the love of friends -- and between friends -- to celebrate daily.

knowing God placed me where I am for a reason...in so many facets.

affirmations to start the day that would were what kept me going at the end.

reassurance.

the hugs of the 21 little ones that have been missed for days.

deep breaths that stretch worn-thin patience a little farther.

finding support when it's most needed.

being able to admit my limits of knowledge and capabilities.

the afternoon air that had warmed in the sun to refresh this tired gal at the end of the day.

the few moments of overwhelming beauty as the setting sunlight brushed radiance over the remaining fall colors.

finally being able to start to let go and move on.

motivation to tackle the sorting of piles of papers.

discovering i'm more organized than i thought.

being challenged to grow every day.

learning more about grace daily.

coffee.

faith.

words.

a list the blessings of today--

the ones who refuse to be overlooked

and the ones whose whispered presence nearly went unseen--

has been brewing since i read psalm 24:1 this morning

["Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."]

to remind me that i'm not alone

and still the voices trying to drown me in cries of inadequacy, paralyze me with fear

but here i am

held by One who won't let me stumble

who leads me to the knowledge i know i'm lacking

and adds some extra pieces i didn't know were missing.

California Sneak Peak

What a weekend! Details to come later -- they deserve some time and effort to write about to get the justice they deserve. That'll have to wait until after report cards and conferences (my first ever!! YIKES!) are said and done in a few days, though.

For now suffice it to say...wow. Loved every bit of it. :)

I'll leave you with a few snippets:

"kidnapping"

6 a.m. (CT) bedtime

late-night golf course walks

stargazing

laughter...lots and LOTS of laughter

made-up songs in the car

new-founded friendships and refreshed old-founded friendships

photographs galore

love and beauty in so many ways

and

o f c o u r s e

"Every day I'm shufflin'."

[cuz "I've got the moves like Jagger."]

Low-Key Traveling Adventures

Wow, so this is what it's like to have a normal flying experience...so different than last time.

Today's new adventure was finding cheap airport parking for a few days. I had a place picked out online but did not so much write down the address. My bad. Found one, though, so whew.

I did a pretty good packin job, I must say. Then again, the next few days will test that.

Except I forgot headphones. :(

But here we go, boarding for Sacramento!!! :)

On Voicelessness

I started losing my voice yesterday. A sore throat literally came outta nowhere, and then my voice started to go. "What the what?" I thought to myself.

I went through my typical 5 stages that come along with a bodily ailment:

1) Denial -- "No, no. I'm not really getting a sore throat, I just think I'm getting one. I'm just talking too much. I'm just not going to think about it, and it will go away."

2) Anger -- "Ugh, I'm seriously not getting sick again. I was just sick, what, a week and a half ago? Man, I know they said first year teachers get sick a lot, but come on, body. Get your act together. I cannot pencil in any illness until next weekend."

3) Bargaining -- "Okay, if I just talk at lower volumes as much as possible, drink lots of water and tea tonight, and don't talk at all after 3:15, will you please come back, voice? I'll never take you for granted again if you just come back now. Please?"

4) Depression -- "My body's just never going to be healthy at all until May." *Long, drawn-out, pathetic sigh* "What was it like to feel healthy? Oh, those were the days. Le sigh."

5) Acceptance -- "Alright, so my throat hurts. And I can't sing. Or talk as much. Meh. At least I don't have a fever. It could be worse."

I whined to my aide for a little bit about it, talking about how much it would stink to not have a voice this weekend especially. I keep telling people I pretty much sound like a man right now. She was quick to encourage me, though, saying, "You are a groomsmaid. You can just tell people you are just really trying to play the part." I laughed so hard that I kind of sounded like a mix of a donkey and a seal.

Uh oh, my computer's about to restart for an update.

Another quoteless night. :(

A Case of the Funnies

I have decided I have a ridiculous sense of humor. I've also decided that it makes me laugh, so it can't be all that bad. Like the way I want to take "humorous" and make a joke about "humor-us". It's not even fully formed, but I'm already giggling.

*crickets*

Yeeeaaah. So, I work with 5 year olds. Sometimes I don't know whose sense of humor is more juvenile...

Anyways, part of the icing on the cake was this comic. Seriously, who doesn't feel this way at some point or another??

The other part was making a mental list of terrible ways to start a wedding toast. I feel like it's necessary to add that none of them are actually included in the toast for Andrew and Jess. I sense a post coming from that...

Don't Hold Me Back

Today has been surprisingly affirming as well as challenging.

It started with my aide calling in sick (Nooo, the stomach bug got her, too!!!) and having 21 kindergarteners to myself. Not as bad as I expected, honestly.

It continued with shoe shopping in Lincoln. A previously unattempted feat...for my feet...yeah. Mission accomplished.

And now it's on to making my own report card. While Microsoft Word is currently winning this round, I plan on beating it into submission before bed. So there.

~"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." [-Alan Alda]~

Gearing Up for Greatness

Progress on Wedding Weekend/Substitute Teachers/Parent-Teacher Conferences Prep:

Most of my lessons for the next 2 weeks are written.

I have a list of forms that need to be made and/or copied.

I have tried on my dress again.

I've been practicing curling my hair.

The toast is written.

Report card prototype is almost done.

Portfolio organization is about half done.

The apartment is (mostly) clean.

Songs about California keep getting stuck in my head.

I am so ready for this next week and a half.

Confessions of an Office Supply Junkie

If you know me well, you know the deep, deep love I have for office supplies. Post-Its and pens are tied for #1, but I love any and all office supplies, really.

Well, not White-Out. That's mostly because I'm just too impatient to let it dry thoroughly before writing on it again which causes a bumpy, icky mess. And that's just awful. I demand perfection on my papers!! Or, well, close to it. [Just ask anyone who has made the unfortunate mistake of writing in my planner or on my notes during class. EEP!!! It takes a lot to render me speechless, but that's nearly one way to do the trick.]

This is serious stuff, people. In college my roommates even knew when I had a really bad day because I would be gone for a while to wander around Walmart [ aka as close to "getting away from it all" as you can get in Seward...if you count running into at least 3 college friends and 1 preschooler/student from a class you have teacher aided in "getting away from it all."] and inevitably return with new pens..

"This is what you get when you grew up with your mother taking you to office supply stores instead of toy stores, Mom!" I often tell my mother in mock-exasperation -- or real exasperation if it's one of the times where she's kidnapped me to go run errands with her for hours. [I have a small shopping tolerance, and it takes a while to stock up that small amount.] She just smiles mock-innocently at me and says sweetly, "But then who would go office supply shopping with me and share the same amount of love I have for it?" Siiiiiiigh. Touche, Mom, touche.

It really is the little things in life, my friends. Little things that increase office organization, functionality, and efficiency in particular.

What can I say? It's a sickness.

But it's this sickness which makes me see articles like this and get excited.

Don't judge me -- I'm a teacher. :)

[*Sigh.* I just tried to search for quotes about office supplies, and I got nutun. Travesty.

The Week Thus Far

So I'm looking at the forecast, and it says thunderstorms from tonight on through the weekend.

I have recess duty tomorrow. This means I may be facing another teaching first: supervising my first K-2 indoor recess. *gulp* Pray for me, friends.

Kidding. It shouldn't be a problem.

This has been one rollercoaster of a week. One minute I feel so discouraged by all that I don't know yet, the next there's some form of affirmation, and the next I couldn't see myself doing anything but this. Every single bit of it is something I wouldn't trade for anything.

One more day til the weekend...so off to bed to recharge. :)

~"...there will always be rocks on the road ahead of us. They will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones; it all depends on how we use them." [-Unknown]~

The Saga of the Plane Ticket

[So remember when I said I was going to post about crayon-making today? Scratch that. Expect that later this week. My ten minute nap extended (unbeknownst to me until I woke up) to an hour and a half. And there's much to be done that is not crayon-making tonight. ]

Next weekend I have 2 friends getting married in California. That means it's time to fly again! And I really enjoy flying. From the airports to the people to getting to see new places, it's just fantastic. [...which is good. As much as I love road trips, I won't be ready for another whirlwind weekend of wedding-ness and traveling for a while.]

As much as I love flying, I haven't always had the greatest luck with it. My experiences include, but are not limited to,

1) Flying home for a weekend which brought a cancelled connecting flight from Chicago to Milwaukee and baggage I didn't get until my last day home...making me wonder why I had packed at all and also resolving to never check a bag for a weekend trip again (even when it's an airline that still has free checked bags).

2) Nearly missing my flight home once because I was sitting at the wrong gate and consequently never heard that my flight was boarding. Saved by the airport intercom's last call and their knack for calling names of missing passengers over said system.

3) Losing multiple belts in the security line process. I should probably clarify that they were not confiscated -- I merely am forgetful. The lightbulb wouldn't turn on until later as I wondered why I kept having to pull my britches up again. Ironically enough, I also tend to forget to buy more belts...

4) The infamous trip out here to visit the school I'm currently employed at which involved 1 cancelled flight, an incorrectly rebooked ticket, and more Southwest crackers and peanut packets than any person really and truly needs. The upsides included looking around at the Phoenix scenery for a good long while and getting to spend the night in St. Louis with some fantastic people. :)

I haven't even set foot near the airport yet for this trip, but I already have another experience to add: trying to book my ticket from Omaha to Sacramento.

4 days, 5 phone calls, and many a deep, reassuring breath later, I have my plane ticket. I tried to book it online Sunday, and found out my debit card has a daily spending limit. Good to know, yes, but not my preferred means of finding out. One phone call to the bank fixed that, though, so

Monday I'm at it again. No luck online. Called the company, but they did nothing to help aside from blaming my debit card, so off I went to another airline (with the same ticket price! Score!).

Could not get my ticket on their site either, so I called. They confirmed my ticket and said if the card didn't run for some reason, they'd call my bank.

SO...it didn't work and they called to say that I didn't have a booked ticket. Called my bank again, saw everything was okay on that end, and then called the airline again. Talked a nice lady in Texas who got it to work. Yes, I told her she was my hero.

I hope this ticket drama means I met my experience quota already for this trip. Either way, I'm officially California bound in 7 days! West Coast, I hope you're ready for me!!! :)

~"You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." [-Amelia Earhart]~

The Looking Silly Side Effect

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that my job really makes me look goofy sometimes.

Like when I'm doing funny voices to amuse my children,

my sense of humor matches that of a five year old [and makes me wonder who is laughing more,

they convince unathletic me to push them on a tire swing [Putting all of my "practice makes perfect" pep talks in the classroom into action -- they call that modeling!],

doing a terrible job trying to be coordinated enough to move a puppet's mouth and arms at the same time while keeping Jelly's voice the same [ i.e. different from my regular Miss M voice]

I'm popping up and down from the lunch table to remind them to sit and eat.

And that's just some of what happens at school.

At home I still look silly sometimes.

Like when I'm washing a stuffed hippo in my sink [and taking pictures of it for my kids],

drawing things to use during lessons,

surrounded by mountains kindergarten drawings and papers to look over,

fighting bedtime at the end of the night by getting one last drink of water...three times.

And then there was tonight.

Walking around the neighborhood with a plastic baggie for leaves, pine needles, pods, acorns, pine cones -- all of different shapes, sizes, and colors [ our favorite ways to sort]...because a grown woman [ who resembles a teenager] never looks strange doing that, right?

And there's the muffin tins.

True story: most muffin tins yield muffins. But did you also know they can yield crayons? More on that tomorrow. I have to make more crayons and will document the process. It's definitely something I'd suggest trying at home. Unless, of course, you're under the age of 10 and operating the oven alone. In that case it's a no-go.

~"To teach is to learn twice." [-Joseph Joubert]~

Musings on Motivation

Last night I was rereading a bunch of helpful things I got from a conference about this time last year, hoping to come across either a great devo or inspiration for one since I'm leading staff devos this week.

[True story: I get a little nervous working with kids. I get super-nervous working with adults.]

I rediscovered a lot of great material, and much of it happened to be the very reminders I need right now to calm my nervous, worrying self.

One of the best reminders: "You will never have a sense of completeness in your work."

So. True. But here I was worrying (on top of worrying) about that feeling. I thought that I was stressing out too much but didn't know how to stop. Turns out I'm normal. Whew.

But wait a second...how true is that just in life? How often do we feel like we should/could do more with areas of our lives?

And that feeling of completeness I'm sure isn't completely absent. [I say this thinking back to just a few short weeks ago when I felt the ending of an era as I printed my teaching license and then sought the perfect spot to display that blood-sweet-and-tears-and-student-loans-bought diploma.] But I had to wonder if it's not in some way dangerous not to feel incompleteness sometimes. Maybe it's that feeling of never being done that really is the reason we do more to begin with.

Without it it'd be too easy to fall into the complacent trap of comfort. Never growing. Never doing. Just being.

I'd rather never be "done."

~"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." [-Arnold H. Glasow]~

The Love/Hate Relationship in The Apartment

My Internet router and computer have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they play nicely, but other times they just don't want to be on speaking terms.

I often find myself glaring at my computer and asking it (in my head, of course), "Why can't you be more like the iPod? It never has problems with the router."

But then my computer laughs at me...in its own way, of course...which is to, once again, stop cooperating with the router.

Siiiiigh. And here I was feeling all awesome for hooking that thing up myself. Thanks, computer, for humbling me.

I've realized that some times are worse than others for these two to butt heads, though, including (but not limited to):

- While I'm entering in Scholastic book orders online. [That was a fun couple of hours, let me tell you.]

- While I am booking plane tickets for California.

- While I am paying for anything online, really.

- While I'm trying to quickly look up information on anything while talking to someone on the phone...like whether or not HP7P2 has come out on DVD yet. [It hasn't.]

-When Da Bears are playing and I've got the Chicago radio station's livestream going.

I'm sure there are other times, but these are the ones that have really come to my attention this weekend.

~"Man is a slow, sloppy, and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate, and stupid." [-William M. Kelly]~