Packing Style

"Pack. Unpack. Repack."

That's from You Can't Eat Your Chicken Pox, Amber Brown by Paula Danziger. 8-year-old Amber Brown and her mother are hopscotching to the car while chanting this. It summarizes Amber Brown's packing strategy for her trip to London with her aunt.

Packing always invokes a sort of panic.

do i need this? will i want it if i leave it behind? if i don't use this, i'll feel silly for bringing it. well, i'll bring it just in case. do i even need this anymore? am i over-packing? do i have everything i need? have i prepared for all contingencies between here, the arctic, and the equator?

I feel like I should be a pro at this by now, but I still pack like Amber Brown. I always feel like I'm forgetting something.

At least this time I'm starting days ahead of time so I can panic over a greater span of time, ensuring plenty of time to check, double-check, and re-check everything for greater peace of mind when all is said and done (and tucked into the car).

~"Don't forget to pack your courage for your journey to greatness." [-David Weinbaum]~

MRI Adventure

Have you ever had an MRI? I had one for the first time today (just a precautionary thing with all of the migraines I've been having), and it was interesting.

First came the jokes from the family. "Is there even a brain to look at?" Thanks, guys.

When I got there (late, of course...) and exchanged my paperwork for a nice walk down a long hallway, it looked like a loading dock for a semi. We went on this platform thing, and -- vrrrp! -- up we went! "Welcome to the 21st century," the nurse joked. ("I just like saying that everytime," she then admitted.)

I removed any and all metal from my body (earrings, belt, bobby pins, jewelry) and then got brought into The Room. They gave me ear plugs, and then proceeded to pack my head into this nice little "funny looking football helmet," as they put it. There was lots of padding for my ears. They also gave me a blankie so I would stay warm while I stayed still.

They closed the big door, and in I went. It sounded like what I'm sure the inside of a timer would sound like (tick, tick, tick...beep, beep, beep) first, and then the inside of an electric razor (buzzzzzzzzzz). Next it was like being on the inside of a hollow door (knock, knock, knock). Rinse, lather, repeat a few times. Got taken out, given a shot for "contrast", and put back in for a few more go-rounds. Then I was released and re-metaled.

I stayed still...mostly. I realized a number of times that I was subconsciously wiggling my toes. Apparently I really must always be moving in some capacity. By the end, I was about ready to fall asleep.

So that was that. And soon I'll get to know what the inside of my head looks like. Sweet.

~[I'm not even sure what a good quote to end this on would be...so just pretend there's something witty here.]~

Recanting

I think I finally have to admit it: sleep is NOT overrated.

And I just might go to bed before 12 tonight.

Well, this is certainly a far cry from being a college freshman...

[Oh no! Is this my future?!?]

~"I ain't as good as I once was. My, how the years have gone." [- "As Good As I Once Was" by Toby Keith]~

I Heart Mom

I will never stop having moments in my life where I just need my mom.

Last night we talked until 3 a.m., a late night even for insomniacs like us. We talked about relationships and life lessons.

We started talking about the future, and that lead us to the past. My mom gave me new insight into myself by relaying memories of raising me.

It's pretty fun to be at that point where my mom and I have gone beyond the scope of being mom and daughter and are now friends.

I know that I have to stand on my own feet because that's what she raised me to do, but I don't want those two feet to cause me to walk away, forgetful of who influenced me to be who I am. Even though my mom reassured me that she raised me to go out on my own and do these things, I know who I will be calling when I don't remember how long to cook a roast or what exactly can go in which laundry load.

Moms are pretty awesome forces in our lives. (Don't worry, Dads. You're not chopped liver. You're pretty astounding yourselves, but you'll get your own time to shine.)

~"Mom stands for Maker Of Magic." [-my mom]~

Little (Technological) Things

I have been contemplating our technological age for a few weeks now in light of David and I beginning the long-distance phase of our relationship. Nobody ever looks forward to being separated from the people they care about, but I have to admit that there's a measure of frustration with how much I pouted about this. We have known from the start that this was coming, so we really had time to talk, pray, and prepare.

Here's the thing: I look at all of the technology we have, and it's crazy. I'm writing this post from my iPod, which just before this was an avenue to face-to-face chat with David. And this is in addition to cell phones, text messaging, and emails.

Whoa.

Thinking back to times when long-distance relationships looked solely to letters and infrequent phone calls to sustain them, we have it pretty easy. It makes me feel like I have no room to complain now.

Does technology ever blow your mind?

~"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."~

Priceless Christmas Memories

This will be one of my all-time favorite memories of this Christmas. I don't think it'll ever stop making me laugh until I cry!

Christmas In The Air

Christmas took over my life for the past few days.

So much Christmas music.

So much cookie making.

So much Christmas Elf-ing.

Making stockings with our names on them, picking up the annual kielbasa (Polish sausage) from the butcher, and wrapping presents. My favorite part was picking up my cousin from the airport as a surprise for the girls. They didn't know he was coming home for Christmas (the first time he's been home since May).

And Christmas Eve was worth the year of waiting.

It's my favorite night of the year because my entire Dad's side of the family gets together. It's the one holiday all of my cousins are guaranteed to be together. And every year we have somebody dress up as Santa, a tradition we've had since before I can even remember. Nowadays it's usually a dear friend of my older cousin's. This year was the best. He was hilarious, and my youngest cousin LOVED it. She's the real reason that we do it; the rest of us have finally come to grips with the fact that Santa's not real. We watched a video of Christmas 1994 (discovering your brother rocking a mullet and obnoxious fist pumps: priceless). We ate, we laughed, we shared stories, and it was wonderful.

Now I'm watching A Christmas Story on TBS...the first half. I caught the second half first. That is just how I usually end up watching it every year. In pajamas...even if it's after noon.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope it's wonderful. I hope it's restful. I hope it's joyful. And I hope you make memories you'll look back on later and laugh about. I hope God's blessings wrap around you today.

Appeasing That Inner Child

Fewer quotes have ever better summed me up:

"I am often accused of being childish. I prefer to interpret that as child-like. I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things. I tend to exaggerate and fantasize and embellish. I still listen to instinctual urges. I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind. I never water my garden without soaking myself. It has been after such times of joy that I have achieved my greatest creativity and produced my best work." [-Leo F. Buscaglia]

Inner child struck again yesterday.

Yes, those are kids' toothbrushes.

With squiggly handles.

And polka dots.

[Oh, how I love polka dots...]

And the suction cup base totally worked.

My mom said that my nephew could use the second one...which made me feel two ways: 1) completely ridiculous because I'm using the same toothbrush as a 2 yr old and 2) like a cool aunt for having matching toothbrushes with my nephew at my mom's house.

For the record, don't let the polka dots fool you. As awesome as it looks, it's a tiny toothbrush. I know -- I should have seen that coming. I severely underestimated. Oops.

~"A grown-up is a child with layers on." [-Woody Harrelson]~

And some bonus quotes I just couldn't pass up:

"My childhood may be over, but that doesn't mean playtime is." [-Roy Olson]

"A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood." [-Rachel Carson]

Christmas Part 1

Fresh snow.

2 year old (nephew's) laughter.

Fresh cookies.

Gift wrapping (an art form).

Fresh energy.

Buzz Lightyear (nephew's obsession).

a beautiful evening.

Snowy Baking

It's snowing.

This is traditionally Christmas cookie baking weather. Sugar cookies, to be exact. They take a lot of time and effort, but it's a blissful way to spend snowy nights with Christmas music in the background.

And I forgot to make sure we had all of the ingredients, so I'm not doing that tonight. I will get to make them Wednesday with the girls (my little cousins) and my cousin Matt, though. It's not the same as those snowy nights of solitude with music in the background, but it'll be a blast.

I'm thinking of making chocolate chip cookies, but we don't have vanilla. I know! I'll call this an experiment. "How Much Difference Does Vanilla Really Make?" Coming to a blog near you. Soon.

~"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." [-Harriet van Horne]~

Chicago & Friends

I think the city of Chicago is absolutely beautiful. It's one of my favorite places to explore when I can.

Sometimes you just have to take the time to be silly and spontaneous. I think my college friends will always be some of the best people to be silly with.

Today I got the chance to meet up with a group of people from CUC. It was the first time (most) of us were together since 3 years ago. And where did we spend most of our time together in downtown Chicago? Macy's.

And it was the best few hours we could've had. We explored mysterious places, took lots silly pictures, and laughed like crazy. We talked, caught up, and forgot that we're grown ups for a while.

~"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." [-Unknown]~

Beginning to Feel A Lot Like Christmas

Home. The solitude on the drive home offered time to slow down, think, and let everything from the past few days sink in.

And 10 minutes after I got home, Dad wanted to start setting up the Christmas tree. We debated about if we had ornaments or not -- until he magically procured some from who-knows-where.

Seriously -- who knew all of this existed in our house?!?

It reminded me of Charlie Brown's tree, but a baby step above that.

[It's not as pathetic once branches are fluffed up.]

Untangle lights.

[Potentially longest and most patience-trying step. Plan accordingly.]

...after figuring out which ones work and are worth untangling.

[Note: Take time to wind them up nicely when dismantling tree later. Save Future Self frustration and time.]

Put lights on tree, laughing at the tail of lights leading to the outlet.

Turn off lights for full effect.

Celebrate with hot chocolate.

[In a CUC mug in honor of friends' graduation today.]

~"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." [-Norman Vincent Peale]~

Leaving Day

This song's been stuck in my head since it popped onto Pandora last week...and it feels like it fits right now.

Thank goodness for music that is sympathetic and speaks the words we can't find for ourselves sometimes.

"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" - Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

In the words of a very wise 4-year-old, "Go defeat something else."

[Onward -- to more "times of my life."]

Parting Words

I have to preface this piece. This kept me awake for a few nights until I finally wrote it down. It's still raw (minimal editing has been done). Forgive some of the roughness. Feel free to share suggestions.

How do I begin to frame these emotions in words? There’s no real way to eloquently capture the meaning that you have put into my life.

[The places and the faces – there ceases to be a point where the influences of each end or begin.]

I want to be selfish and keep you with me. Sometimes memories aren’t enough to compensate for being apart. Other times they help me keep pushing onward, challenging myself.

Time slips away, even the time I do take to spend with you and cherish what’s there. And time sneaks off with words, the ones that got lost in the moment, ones left unsaid while unpremeditated ones replaced them.

[I curse time for that thievery.]

We can pretend it’s not goodbye, but that’s a lie. It will never be this again. We’ll never fit the same way again. You’ll never be home, comfort, mine again. I’ll be just another visitor to you. And you won’t recognize me. We’ll see each other with the eyes that come with separation: curiosity, trepidation, self-consciousness.

Someday we’ll pretend like we never meant anything to one another, like you never impacted me, I never had a place in you. We’ll be strangers. And strangers we shall stay. Time won’t have it any other way.

[And that’s a form of tragedy.]

But I will carry these memories, these lessons with me. They’ve settled into my heart and mind, making me who I am today. I couldn’t forget them if I tried. I’ll pull them out when I need them again, when I’m looking back on the paths I’ve taken to get to where I am.

[Memories are ours to keep.]

~"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." ["Because I Knew You" - the Wicked soundtrack]~

Countered Creativity

I read this article in The Wall Street Journal tonight, but I don't know why people think all creativity is being sucked out of children.

Today I got to romp around with a beautiful little girl and her incredible mom while we played games with little more than balloons, scarves, and imaginations. I can't remember when I've gotten to laugh that hard and that much in such a short time span.

One of the joys of spending time with young children is seeing how they can turn absolutely anything into some sort of game, a story to act out, anything that comes to mind. The only restraints are the ones we put on them. There's never a dull moment, and it's fantastic. Just yesterday I had a t-rex eating me while I was being dragged to jail by my old group of preschoolers.

Watch children play for a while, and then try to tell me creativity is dwindling, WSJ.

~"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." [-Theodore Geisel...aka, Dr. Seuss]~

Packing Pause

This is real. This is happening.

Life's moving forward, and I'm finally ready to climb on board as a passenger instead of a hostage.

And you know what? I'm excited. This next year of my life is uncharted, but that's okay. God's got this. He's got me. And He's never ceased to blow my mind. As David always reminds me, "We serve a great God."

I was terrified when I was getting ready to come out to Seward. My old blog posts about that change are filled with excitement with an undertone of apprehension, but God worked through this place and these people in incredible ways to shape me dramatically. I've had so many great reminders of that through the tears I've cried, the goodbyes I've said already, and the ones that still need to be said.

Although I'll miss this place, suddenly it's not as scary to leave.

Thank you to those of you who have led me to realize that I'm ready for this. :)

And now it's time to go pack some more. (I'd enjoy it more if I did it less frequently. Really. It used to be fun.)

~"Since you are my rock and fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me." [-Psalm 31:3]~

Quick Note

Note to self: Speak your mind more often. Containing thoughts can often lead to unnecessary frustration and hurt, wasted energy, unnecessary bad moods, and other side effects. And that's just silly.

~"Speak your mind. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." [Dr. Seuss]~

Writing Frenzies

For me, writing comes in phases.

I have fits where I'm spewing poetry from my pen, constantly finding inspiration and composing lines in my head, and then writing them down ASAP. Sometimes I do that with essays, too. Once in a great, long while, out pops a short story.

And then...bam. Nothing. Suddenly writing is a foreign language to me. How frustrating (and also why I gave up long ago on the idea of making a career out of writing).

I love those writing fits, though. They are encouraging, uplifting, and leave me hungry to write more. Having a idea blazing in my mind is my favorite reason to lose sleep (if I had to choose). I know I have to get it down on paper -- no excuses! -- when it's an idea I can't shake after a few days.

I think Leo Lionni has those ideas, too.

"From time to time, from the endless flow of our mental imagery, there emerges unexpectedly something that, vague as though it may be, seems to carry the promise of a form, a meaning, and, more important, an irresistible poetic charge." [- Leo Lionni (children's author and illustrator)]

That last phrase is magical, captivating, dead-on...and amazing.

early thinking

the wind pounding on my window with its intensity. the weird and slightly-terrifying dream I had. the realization settling in that I'm done for the semester. contemplating the future. being super-thirsty. thinking of everything i want to do before leaving seward. thoughts of being home in a week. a newly begun piece of writing.

one (or all) of these things woke me up and wouldn't let me get back to sleep.

or maybe it was missing a post yesterday. :)

one thing's certain, though:

5 a.m. is such a tranquil time of day.

i find myself thinking about the people who are up at this time every day. doesn't it seem like those are the people we know who work the longest hours? (like my dad. professors. farmers. moms.) i almost feel unworthy to be in their awake company right now.

but saturday mornings are great for staying snuggled up under covers for at least a little extra time, even if you have to do it wide-awake. especially winter-y saturday mornings.

~"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts." [-K.T. Jong]~

Satisfying Breaths

There are few moments of satisfaction that trump the feeling that comes with the first breath after turning in a huge portfolio that you've been working on all semester.

Time for hot chocolate, White Christmas, and a touch of other work to finish up my last official undergrad classes.

~"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around and do nothing; it's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it." [-Margaret Thatcher]~

Motivation Music

As I plow away at a portfolio that's due tomorrow, I'm thinking up all of the wonderful and relaxing things I'm going to be doing over break. My mind keeps circling back to the fact that I'll just be happy being home, regardless of what I'm doing.

I am dreaming tonight of a place I love
Even more than I usually do
And although I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents on the tree...

If Nebraska doesn't get any snow before next week Friday, I won't see any snow in Seward this year. But there will be snow at home. There already is. I'll get to see it for about 2 weeks.

I can't wrap my head around a 2 wk long "winter".

I can wrap my head around how excited I am to go home.

Collage Dreams

Last summer I wanted to have a project to keep me occupied while I was away from home. I thought keeping myself busy would prevent me from getting too homesick. I was so good at keeping myself busy, though, that I never got around to doing the project I dreamed up.

The picture's fuzzy, but that's the general idea for my project: a massive photo collage of college photos and a a few momentos as well (like leaves collected on a day of rolling down hills during Poetry Writing...still one of my favorite classes of all time).

Plans:

• Under "college memories" at the top, it's going to say "vini, vidi, vici"
• Along all 4 edges, there will be some quotes:

- "And you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart." (from the Wicked soundtrack)

- "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ("Closing Time" by Semisonic)

- "I've learned that your college friends become a kind of family. You eat together, go to

games, laugh, fight, and do absolutely nothing together until you can't seem to remember how you ever lived your life without them in the first place." (something I stumbled across online)

I am looking for one more quote to on there, but that'll come in time. This will be one of those things that culminates all of my college years and the people who made them as great as they were. There will be pictures of places and people and the irreplaceable memories along the way, ticket stubs, El passes, and other little odds and ends tucked in there as well. It's going to be in a big poster frame so there's plenty of room. A lot of stuff accumulates after 5 years. A lot of memories accumulate after 5 years.

Maybe this will be a project for this summer. We'll see where life goes. But it's on the To Do list now, so it must be done.

~"A good snapshot stops a moment from running away." [-Eudora Welty]~

Routine

Wake up.

Coffee.

Catch up on emails and blogs.

Portfolio work.

Class.

More coffee.

More portfolio work.

Sleep.

Repeat.

[Life until Thursday. See? No time for migraines. Now go away, migraine. You are not welcome after Thursday, but you can be penciled in after that if you continue to feel the need to appear. Deal?]

~"Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort." [-Paul J. Meyer]~

Christmas Cheer

Be kind to your Christmas cookies.

Love-ly Aspirations

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [I Cor. 13:4-7]

i wish i could love like this.

Facebook Flint

On Facebook right now there's a movement to change profile pictures to a cartoon character you enjoyed as a child. The point is to make a statement against child abuse.

My first reaction: But what is changing a picture really going to do? And I refused to do it.

Then I got to thinking about it.

How much do we enjoy getting wrapped in the nostalgia of things we loved as children? I have never known anyone to pass up smiling and laughing as we rehash shows that were popular in our younger days.

This morning I got to watch the pride on my preschoolers' faces as we wrapped up our time there with a train party. We invited the parents to join us, and a lot of moms and siblings came. We got to read some train stories together, make a special train snack (graham crackers, mini-Oreos, licorice, frosting, and M&Ms. I really hope none of them have thrown up), and they got to perform 2 songs as a grand finale. They were so proud of what they had learned and that they got to have their moms and siblings there.

And it was really something to watch the moms as they were snapping pictures, helping make the trains with all of their kids, clapping after the songs, and looking on with pride.

Not every child has that chance. Some parents honestly don't care. Some parents only care enough to instill hurt in their child.

My heart breaks for those children who don't get to be proud of their work with their parents, who only get hurt when they should be getting loved. My heart breaks for the children who fear their own parents.

Children are miraculous, curious, loving creatures. Their joy is contagious. Their enthusiasm for EVERYthing, big or small, is awesome.

No child should be punished for existing. They deserve to be loved. They should be free to enjoy their childhood, to have pride in what they do, to play, and to be carefree.

What can changing a picture do? In the larger picture, maybe it can't do much because it's really not doing much. It can, however, be a spark. It gets people thinking about what childhood should be, about what children should not have to go through. And maybe, just maybe, it gets people thinking about what they can do -- beyond simply clicking a few links and buttons on a mouse -- to make a difference.

Facebook is the flint, and the message in the pictures is the spark. That potential is enough for me.

~"A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark." [-Dante Aligheiri]~

Unsuspected Shenanigans

One of the things I already know I'm going to miss most about college is the shenanigans.

For example...

Yes, my friends, this is what happens when you leave your banana unattended...you get a Banana Phone.

There will be a time and a place for shenanigans in the real world (I will make a point of it), but there are just so many more times and places in college.

~"These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life. These are the memories you'll pack in a box and you'll pull 'em out sometimes." ["These Are The Days"- Jo Dee Messina]~

Reminders Know No Boundaries

God works in mysterious ways -- even in bathroom stalls in the basement of the library. That's where this paper was hanging up.

...with words that my heart needed.

He's been doing that to me a lot lately...giving me the words I've been struggling to find. [this verse. quotes and verses on friends' blogs lately.]

Reminding me of words I have that I'd forgotten. [sacrifice. love. selflessness. serving. patience. trust.]

It's easy to let these little whispers get lost in the shuffle. It's easy to beg for more of the good stuff when it's been a hard week. Let's not have these little gifts slip by. Let's embrace them. Let's be thankful for them. Let's not have our desire for more obstruct how wonderful those little things are.

~"Rule #34: Enjoy the little things." [Zombieland]~