A [Thanksgiving] Break in Review

This was one busy break. They just keep getting worse and worse with how cramped they are. "Break" has become merely a label, not a vacation. Nice knowin' ya, sleep-in days...

I got a LOT of time with my family in, some of the best in what probably amount to years if I really stop to think about it. It's been a while since we've been this close again. It is kind of funny and weird that my ex-uncle bought me my first Jagerbomb considering I haven't really seen the guy too often in the past 10 years. Well, stranger things have happened with my family! Much-needed and much-welcomed. It's crazy how fast my nephew is growing up, too! Today was his first birthday party...that year went way too quickly, but I didn't really know the munchkin for the first 5 months (or so) of his life.

I did get my questions answered...but I wish that were enough to cause the situation make sense. There are just new questions that have come up now. I don't like being uncertain, and I have a hard time being patient enough to let things be and see how they go (something my wise aunt told me needs to be done!). I'm grateful to have my own assurance of my friend being the good kind of person I thought he was, though.

I'm not good at communicating my fears, and I'm not good at handling them. I have a tendency to cling too hard to things I'm afraid of losing, and I often smother them. This is especially true when I'm interested in someone. I s'pose that's a good test, though, if you think about it -- the ones who can put up with my nuttiness are worth having a relationship with...? Well, it's something to think about. :-P The point is, the more I think something --well, someone -- is worth it, the harder I will try not to lose it. I hope that the person I am writing this for is a) even giving this stinkin' blog a glance...and b) understanding some of my actions a little more...they aren't meant to be a deterrant, just as a way of letting you get to know me more and see that I'm thinking about ya.

Tomorrow's the big trek back to school. These next 2 1/2 weeks will be so challenging, but I am looking forward to surprising myself by finding out just how capable I am of rising to meet that challenge.

I will be taking a prolonged coma when I get back home, though, so don't be concerned when you find that I've gone into hibernation for a few days in mid-December to make up for the sleep I didn't get over Break and will NOT be finding over the next few weeks...

Anyways, I'm leaving you with the lyrics to a whole song..."Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon...because it's been on the radio every time I've been in my car this weekend so far, and because it's just so damn ironic because it fits my mentality right now.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Dating is what it is...a pain.

Dating is pretty much a pain. You thought it was bad in middle school when you had to have at least 2 go-betweens to find out if somebody liked you or not? Try not having any go-betweens now. You're all on your own. Yeah, isn't that fun? At least in middle school, it's pretty clear cut. You hold hands with someone, and boom, you're "dating". Granted, that's the extent of a "date" in middle school, but it is what it is. You're probably still wary about that cooties myth.

Nowadays, people are incapable of saying the word "date." Seriously. You ask someone to go do something, and you label it by what you're doing, not by saying "date." When people question you about it, you just shrug.

To make us feel better about being incapable of calling something a "date" because we are in denial that it IS really a date, we've come up with the term "pseudo-date." A "pseudo-date" is something that has potential to be a date because there is interest from both parties, but it has never been confirmed to be such and thus could really just be two friends hanging out. It could be quantified as a date later on, but only if it goes well and both people are feelin' it by the end of the night.

How lame are we?! There was once a time where people would either have a date, or they wouldn't. It was as simple as that. Now everyone gets so uptight about friendships with people of the opposite sex and always wanting to know what's going on that we've become really stingy about using the word "date." As if dating wasn't complicated enough!!

~"I really wanna care. I wanna feel something. Let me a dig a little deeper -- nope, sorry, nothin'." ["My Give A Damn's Busted" - Jo Dee Messina]~

Bring it on.

My head's a million different directions right now, and what do I do when I need to slow myself down? Write away...

I haven't been too terribly homesick this semester because I've been to busy to be. The only real spell of it was when my grandpa had some stuff going on with his heart, and I just wanted to be there with my Papa even though it was going to be fine. I'm pretty overprotective of the guy since he's my last living grandpa, but hey, I learned the protectiveness from him. The homesickness is really going to be a big deal this week though because it's always worse right before I go home because I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do while I'm there, and I come to realize just how much I miss about home.

As weird as it sounds, I'm excited to be feeling this way. I haven't been on great terms with my mother (hence moving in with my dad at the end of summer...) for most of the semester, but we're starting to repair our relationship. Before this, I wasn't looking forward to going home really because, as much as I miss a lot of my family, I didn't want to deal with the drama of not wanting to go see my mom and stuff. We're good now, though, so that takes a huge damper off of the week.

I am also highly anxious for this break because I have a lot of questions that I need to have answered by someone there. Some things that have happened since we've known each other and some of the conversations we've had have really left me with more questions and unknowns than I'm comfortable with. I tried getting some things sorted out before I left, but I chickened out and got too caught up in having fun since it was the last time we'd be seeing each other for a while. Immediately upon getting home from hanging out, I was frustrated with myself for not getting the answers I set out to get that night. This is it, though. It's not going to happen again. It can't. It literally is to the point where it's keeping me up at night, and I'm done with that. I'm not going to let it stay that way. Time to take a stand.

This upcoming week before going home, however, is about kicking butt and taking names on some big projects that are due before I leave and catching up in one of my classes.

~"Sad thing is you can still love someone and be wrong for them." [Elvis Presley]~

Kids

I love working with children. It may sound cliche, but they really do make each and every day special. They make it worth getting outta bed on the days when I thought I had it made under those covers.

I feel like my shifts at work begin at the perfect time right now. Either I am getting there during nap time when only a few children are still awake, or I'm getting there when nap time is over and we're getting everyone up and all the cots put away. The latter can get super-chaotic really quickly (like today when I had one little boy following me around going, "Do you know what?" and telling me stories I really didn't follow at all...it's tough to focus when you're trying to help this girl put on her socks and trying simultaneously to get the boy on the cot next to you to get up), but the former is so tranquil (on the days where I'm not fighting a particular boy to actually stay on his cot instead of causing a ruckus that I'm afraid will wake up the others). It's nice to get to slow down to just rub backs and make sure "my kids" are all sleeping soundly. Sometimes there's even a snorer or two for background noise. Honestly, it makes me think about motherhood...and it's kind of overwhelming sometimes. It's getting closer and closer (but not TOO close yet!), and wow, sometimes I can barely take care of myself; the thought of being in charge of some little critter of my own (that is, btw, an affection nickname like from the Meyers books) is slightly unnerving. Someday I'll be rubbing my own child's backs as they fall asleep. Whoa.

It's also a blast just how hilarious it can be to listen to things that kids have to say or things that they cling to that you never in a million years thought would stick. Take, for instance, the smile button. Yeah, thinking up catchy names on the fly isn't my specialty. Anyways, we have one child who is not a little ray of sunshine when he wakes up from nap time. He gets happy at the drop of a hat, though, and I was trying to get him to that point sooo I was tickling him and told him I'd find his smile button. It worked, he smiled, but the other kids standing there wanted to try it, too. I spent a good portion of time after that finding the smile buttons on my other kids. The secret of the smile button, btw, is that young kids are 99.9% of the time ticklish on their bellies. :)

In un-work-related news, I realized that Thanksgiving break is 2 weeks away. BUT it's also going to be crazy because I have a final project due right before I leave for break, and I'll be finishing up one class and on the last legs of another. It'll be glorious to be home, though.

Alright, time to go tackle something productive for the evening...10:20's the perfect starting time for homework, after all.

~"I don't know what kind of fabric this is, but I want to marry it and have it's babies!" [-Gilmore Girls]~

"Maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

I haven't updated since the very beginning of the semester. Part of that is my own pride and stubbornness because I didn't want to admit how hard this semester's been for me. The truth is that it has been extremely difficult on multiple levels, and I feel like there are few ways that I've left untouched in terms of things that have gotten messy.

It was hard to even come back out here. I felt like it was terrible timing to leave my family with a lot of things that were going on there and with having just moved in with my dad literally the same week I was coming back here. If I had known at the beginning of the summer how those 3 months were going to go, I would not have planned on coming back for the fall semester. As it was, I wanted to take a semester off, but my dad said no. I obviously survived, though. :-P

I've also just been in a terrible spot financially for most of the semester because work this summer did not go NEARLY as planned, and I barely made any money. I didn't start work until a month into the semester despite getting the job immediately in the beginning of the year, and I didn't get my first paycheck until a week ago. Now I understand how families can be torn apart by the stress of financial troubles...because it is a constant thought on your mind and makes you terribly tense and uptight. It's a terrible feeling.

Working again has been great, though. I am lucky to get to work with kids 6 days a week, 5 of which are at work at a preschool; the 6th day is teaching Sunday school at my church. The latter tends to be QUITE a challenge every single week, but the preschool is more great times than frustrating ones. Both opportunities are great preparation for being a teacher someday and reaffirms the grade level I would prefer to teach at. My kids at the preschool really just make me smile...nothing compares to the feeling of an ambush of tiny arms on your legs when you walk into the room. Talk about a good stress reliever! :-) At this point of the semester when I've realized how terribly I've been doing over the past few weeks, I need that reminder every day from my kids that I'm good at something because it sure as heck doesn't always feel that way.

This is one of the best roommate situations I've been in, too. First of all, I loooove an apartment-style dorm. It's great to have room to spread out rather than being confined to a single space for EVERYthing. We also have such an interesting dynamic with such different personalities and interests, but it's beautiful because we mesh so well. Pretty much never a dull moment here, haha...our quote wall's reeeeaaaally filling up quickly. We're pretty ridiculous...and we'll have some pretty great (and embarrassing, haha!) stories to tell each other's children someday. :-P

Well, this is already a lengthy post, but I'm going to post song lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs...it's one of those that just strikes me over and over again because it's beautiful AND because I know that feeling she's talking about. If you've never heard "Angel" by Sarach McLachlan, look it up...it's a must-hear.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason
to feel not good enough,
and it's hard, at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

CHORUS:
In the arms of the angel,
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel.

You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
there's vultures and
thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack.

Don't make no difference,
escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in
this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
that brings me to my knees.

REPEAT CHORUS

You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.