Only by faith.

While I'm not ready to give full details yet because there are some people who I need to talk to about this first, allow me to say that things are good right now. No, things are more than that...they are great. I've gotten a lot figured out in the past few days, but the pieces have been coming together for quite a while. It's a great feeling. Granted, with these resolved things come a whole host of new unknowns to face, but they are not unconquerable. I have a pretty amazing God by my side, and His plans have always been better than mine, so I know that whatever happens will work out for the best...and just in case there was any more doubt there, I just have to look back on how things have gone the past few days to be reminded.

Anyways, I've been going to church regularly out here at a church across the street from campus, today being the celebration All Saints Day. It really hit me hard...it brought back some memories I have been trying (and succeeding) to repress for some time, good and bad, and it also made my heart ache for a friend whose father was killed just last week in a car crash. I was really frustrated at first and even had a thought or two about leaving because of how uncomfortable I was, but then I realized, Hey, this is part of a good congregation...there are bad things in this life, and we can't pretend like they don't exist on Sunday mornings while we are worshiping. No, no. That's not conducive to being built up in faith. Things like death do exist, they do rock us to our very core (if you've known me for a while, you've seen this in my own life), they do cause us pain that we don't know what to do with, they can cause us to lose our way in faith. What's more important, however, is that the same things that threaten to destroy us are the very things which strengthen our faith. This is why we can't avoid these sermons that make bring the pain to the surface again. Although the pastor's sermon nearly made me break down, the words within it built me up once more and let me reconnect with the joy that came with that shattering situation...that joy that Heaven is greater than we can imagine, and all of those saints who have passed from this world into the next have their own beautiful place in Heaven where they are in an amazing place. The pastor asked us why we would want to have our loved ones back from this glorious experience and instead prompted us to look forward to the day where we can share their Heavenly experience with them.

What I love the most about this sermon? The timing. You never stop having waves of sorrow or regret for the lost times or times you could have with people that you've lost. Well, God works in mysterious ways, and having just watched The Notebook last night and this being the 2nd, two big reminders of the two people I miss most, I couldn't have prayed for better timing on this.

~"Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace. When I get to Heaven, gonna see God's face. Heaven is a wonderful place." (a song we used to sing in middle school in chapel...)~

Hodge-podge.

Ordering books! Cleaning! Packing! Seeing family! Seeing friends! Surgeries! Partying! Shelves! Phone calls! 9 hours drives! Goodbyes! Pictures! Nerves! Excitement! Paperwork! Finishing books! Finishing artwork! Working out! Oil changes! Tire alignments! Sleeping! Barnes and Noble! Finding a new journal! Taking lots and lots of pictures! The end of summer! Cooking! Haircut! Shoes! Laundry! Dates! Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2! Little cousins cheerleading! Motorcyle ride! ONE WEEK! Baaah!

So much to fit into so little time!

~"Dear Prudence, open up your eyes, dear Prudence, and see the sunny skies." ["Dear Prudence" - The Beatles]

When "not soon enough" becomes "too soon"...

I keep getting simultaneous waves of butterflies and nausea when I think of leaving in 2 1/2 weeks for a semester in Nebraska. I am excited to take this adventure on, and heck, I'm even proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone to do it. I do, however, have to wonder what I was thinking.

A lot of people hear me say that I'm studying away for a semester, and they get all excited and (inevitably) ask where. You can tell they are picturing something like Europe or Spain...somewhere outside of the Midwest, for sure. I say, "Nebraska," and usually get something along the lines of, "Oh. What's in Nebraska?" Oh, stop. Your encouragement and enthusiasm are just overwhelming me here. What they don't understand is that this really is a big step for me regardless of how minuscule it seems to them.

This is going to be a semester of a lot of growth for me in ways that I just can't really know yet, but a lot of it in my own strength and independence. I do know that I am going to grow in friendships while I'm out there, too, and that helps my nerves stay in check.

It is hard to think of how much I will be missing at CUC though -- from the people to the random experiences that will translate into inside jokes and references to the neighborhood trees changing colors to the feeling of familiarity. It's really sinking in just how little I will be seeing of my family, too...especially the little cousins and a certain beautiful baby girl who will be walking (WALKING!!!) by the time I'm home again. It's no longer a short train ride home.

It'll be worth it.

~In going where you have to go, and doing what you have to do, and seeing what you have to see, you dull and blunt the instrument you write with. But I would rather have it bent and dulled and know I had to put it on the grindstone again and hammer it into shape and put a whetstone to it, and know that I had something to write about, than to have it bright and shining and nothing to say, or smooth and well oiled in the closet, but unused. [Ernest Hemingway]~