"Fruitful Error"

Today I learned...

Not to beat a concept to death. If the kids get it, move on. Spend that precious time instead on learning something they don't already have mastered.

Not to beat myself up too much. I had both my co-op and my principal tell me not to beat myself up about things that happened today...and I needed to hear it from both of them. There's no way I would've ever told myself not to do that.

Really, some days of the week are always going to be the hardest just because of the schedule. Like Thursdays where we have 3 specials in addition to library time. If I were a 2nd grader looking at that kinda day, I'd hardly be able to contain my excitement, too.

On an unrelated note, I stopped at Target on the way home from the post office today. I had to stop there anyway, but I took some time to just wander through the home aisles again. I love dreaming of what my home will look like. And then...

I found dishes.

Slowly but surely, even the details are falling into place.

And then I came home to 3 pieces of mail, including a new battery for my laptop. I am mobile once more for the first time since sophomore year of college. Oh, the rush of freedom. :)

Today was a good, good day...even if some of the learning was rough.

~"Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own corrections. You can keep your sterile truth for yourself." [-Vilfredo Pereto]~

Learning

Encouragement.

Lifted up for the day. Lifted the day up. [faith, hope, and love.]

Realization: I'm harder on myself than ever before at a time when I'm supposed to be growing the most.

Grasping at the future and the past all at once, reminding myself of where I'm going and yet trying to reach for everything that got me this far all at once.

Not wanting to go at it alone. Being reminded that I'm not. That I am equipped. [Thank you.]

Trying to be supportive while inwardly crying out like a little girl for approval, for knowing I'm doing something right, trying to pretend I'm stronger than I really am.

[I am stronger than I think sometimes, but nowhere near as strong as I sometimes lead people to believe.]

Sometimes the smile I see on my second graders' faces match the one I have one the inside -- the unsure, shy one asking, "Am I doing this right?"

Whisper words of wisdom:

"Let it be."

[The Beatles]

Blocked

There's such a thing as writer's block...but is there such a thing as teacher's block?

There has to be some way to squash this feeling that I can't do this.

Not teaching overall, just 2nd grade.

I'll survive 4.5 more weeks of this, I know, but I want to do more than survive it. I want to teach those kids. I want to learn. I want to make the most of it. But selfishly, what I really want is to be able to believe in myself.

I have to start taking over the whole day soon. Visions of all the ways anarchy can break out run through my head regularly.

Did I mention our room is one of the ones closest to the front office?

At least if anarchy broke out, I'd hope that means help would come quickly.

I joke, but really...I ask for your prayers. This greenhorn has so, so much to come to terms with.

~"I speak the truth." [one of my 2nd graders today...he said it jokingly; I use it in all seriousness]~

Fear and Strength

A meeting opened the door...

to thoughts of future meetings in different places.

(but maybe this same place?)

to my classroom

without a co-op

just me

and 20 children

5 years old

and facing them with

only 17 more years of life.

suddenly my thoughts turn

to swirling doubts

seeing the limits of 17 years

clouding the wisdom, lessons contained there.

graduation is peering around the corner.

now, instead of seeing just the top of its head,

i'm seeing more details.

a forehead, eyebrows, eyes, a nose...

bad analogy, but

it's getting clearer.

closer.

i think 2nd grade is fascinating, but i think it's challenging knowing that my heart is with the younger ones. because i'm ready to spread my wings, but i'm still playing by somebody else's rules. tossed into unfamiliar routines and plans, expected to soar.

sometimes it's hard to believe i can do this.

but this is where God led me. this is where He'll use me. this is where He'll shape me, equip me, save me.

so i can do this.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. [Philippians 4:13]

Today and all of the tomorrows that follow.

Endless and Open

Those are possibilities, my friends.

My mom and I spent a lot of time talking about future-y things.

jobs. moves. relationships.

And planning for my future home. The place I'll come home to at the end of a day of teaching. My corner of the world where I'll find comfort, relaxation, creativity...

and that I will call my own.

I find myself thinking about what it will look like.

Couches from scenes of my childhood residing in my living room, being the background to scenes of my adulthood.

Dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher...but what color will they be?

Candles. There must be candles!

And pictures...but which ones?

I think that my subconscious has ulterior motives here by letting me think of all of this stuff, that maybe if I start thinking and planning now, it'll fight off that discomfort that we all face when something changes in our lives. When the corner of the world that we called our own and ran to for safety has been taken away and we're pushed to something else.

I'm so excited thinking of it all, though. I walk through the home furnishings section of Target (oh, I ♥ Target!) and just dream of the potential for my future home, my very own place. And more than that, I'm excited for everything that will come with it: a new job, a new beginning, a new adventure in life. Entertaining guests who can share in the joy of this place, celebrating friendship and life. Learning, living, and growing.

Life is moving forward.

~"A house is made with walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams." [unknown]~

Visiting

My mom's been visiting.

And it's just what I needed...love, comfort, conversations that come only with Mom.

It couldn't have been better timing.

I needed a dose of home. Of Mommy and Me time. Of familiarity.

Wordless.

Searching for words...but I've got nothing tonight.