Words, Words.

Words filling me to the brim.

Adding up and contained,

Soon to spill over and out.

Waiting for the right time,

For any time.

They aren't just everyday words.

They are powerful words

Full of emotions, thought, complexities.

I need to start really writing again. Blogging's great, but there are some things that I just can't post about...a time and a place, y'know.

And what's ironic is that I have so much to say, but I literally lost my voice. This could be interesting on Monday!

Week[End] Kickoff

A week of questioning myself - inside the classroom and out- has been challenging, exhausting, but so good. So needed.

I see where I have been and have some ideas of where I want to go next, what I should do.

I set out after school today to enjoy the first weekend in over a month where the only plans are lesson plans, grading, and church. Slowing down and enjoying the quiet.

The three of us here for student teaching went out to dinner together. We came back and sat outside in 75 degree pseudo-summer weather, our feet in the cool water of the pool while we talked away, relaxed away the busy week. It's certainly a good start.

~"And I just want to live my life honestly."["Days Like This" - Kim Taylor]~

The Time's to Come

I can't believe my time in Texas is almost over. It's been great living here. We'll see what I say after it's 91 degrees tomorrow (and it's already feeling SO humid to me, but I think they'd laugh at me if I tried to say that).

And yet...I'm ready to go home. So ready. Back to where I can just be me, where that's completely enough.

I've been thinking of how independent I've had to be this semester, how much I've had to do alone. I'm this weird mix of introvert and extrovert. I need time alone, really desperately need solitude sometimes, but I also just as desperately need anything BUT solitude sometimes. There are times where I just want to BE with somebody even if we don't do anything or talk because it's just comfortable not being alone.

And yet here I am facing so much that I'll have to do alone. So much time I'll have alone. There will be times where I really relish it, but there will be times where I loathe it, too. Phone calls, text messages, and even Skype just don't replace physical presence. They help, sure, but sometimes they hurt more than they help but reminding just how out of reach somebody is.

I'm thankful to be moving to a place where I know a few people, but I know it'll still be hard at times.

I'm looking forward to the long car ride back up to Nebraska, though, from here. I'm thinking about taking a different route on the way home that would take me up toward NW Texas. There's a site I want to see up that-a-way (future post...), and it would allow me to see more of Texas -- seeing as how I haven't really gotten out of Houston at all. It bums me out that I will be going solo, but there's also something oddly right about it.

Like a rite of passage or something.

A time for meditation about what's happened this semester, this school year, and about the adventures in the future.

Time to sort myself out.

Time to sort my life out.

I'm nearly bursting at the seams with things I've been tucking away to think about later, things that I need to ponder uninterruptedly, that involve facing truths and emotions I don't know are there yet.

Because there are some things I need to figure out. Worries that I need to give up. And there are things that need to change. I'm not sure what all that entails yet, but the answers will come in time.

15 hours should be enough, right?

~"It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so." [-William Shakespeare]~

Growing Up, Reaching Out

I used to think that growing up meant that you learned how to stand on your own two feet, how to be strong alone, be ready to handle anything and everything that came your way.

Now that I am growing up, I'm finding that it's completely the opposite. Reaching out for help is actually the wise move. Add that to the list of things I wish people wouldn't tiptoe around.

I don't think I'll ever stop trying to do things by myself first before asking for help, though. I'm just too stubborn.

Thank goodness there are people who know me well enough to see through the facade and can see that I need much more support than I let onto. God knows how much I need it -- He's the one listening to me asking for it when I don't feel like it's there.

~"Growing up is never easy. You hold onto the things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up." [The Wonder Years]~

This song just came on Pandora. It's beautiful. And it's one of those that just fits into the day perfectly.

Some Days...

I get grumpy and discouraged.

seeing what didn't go as planned.

acknowledging time poorly spent.

recognizing how much i have to learn.

I get impatient.

taking extra breaths to calm down in the classroom, to shut out my own shortcomings and to embrace the learning of my students (even about respect and listening)

ready to graduate.

more than ready to be home.

planning around distance that only seems to grow bigger by the days between our visits.

I get nervous.

trying to hold on too tightly to things, even things beyond my control.

seeking reassurance.

trying to fake strength i don't really have.

And then I think about

prayer.

being wrapped up in a hug so warm, so comfortable that it shuts out the world for a while.

little joys tucked away in hidden pockets of the day

someone just being there to say it's gonna be okay. reminding me i'm okay sometimes, too.

remembering tomorrow's a brand new day that i haven't messed anything up in yet.

And I will mess things up tomorrow. It just happens. We don't always have to like the learning process, but we're always going to do it anyway.

~"Don't tell God how big your problems are; tell your problems how big your God is." [-unknown...but thanks to 1 L Shel for sharing it.]~

Home Again

4 airports in 2 days. 3 different flights. Lessons of trust, patience, kindness tucked away within those moments, the ones that reminded me of my adulthood, of knowledge and confidence I've gained -- even though I can't pinpoint where it came from. I can only conclude that I've picked up bits of both along the way. And I had people reminding me of it, too.

Now I'm searching for words to capture this magic that's these emotions that come with returning to a place that I once knew as a temporary home away from home, passing my familiar landmarks along the way that have become friends along the freeway, seeing what will now be my home away from my home town, which will still be a sanctuary to me, a heart-lifting, rejuvenating place, but of a different kind -- the kind that I will go to for visits, that I will relish every moment in, but that I will be glad to leave for my very own sanctuary that I've put together my own way. A place that will be no less special, but that will have to share some of my sense of "home" with another.

The Midwest grew more beautiful while I was gone.

The moment I could see the North Platte again, I knew that I would always, always be a Midwest girl at heart who would always feel her heart swell with love again at being reunited with this home.

~"Where we love is home,/Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." [-Homesick in Heaven by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]~

Huge Range of Emotions Here

A day of twists and turns.

Discipline with love, outward forced patience, and inward heartache.

A heart-to-heart with my co-op about the real nitty gritty tough parts of teaching.

A surprise in my flight itinerary and an earlier than expected morning.

Working out the grumpiness by packing to a shared Pandora station.

A reassuring voice: "It's beyond your control." Letting how right he is sink in.

a glimpse of one of the places i call home...nebraska...and my future home city...faces of friends mixed with new ones...all less than 24 hours away.