My head's a million different directions right now, and what do I do when I need to slow myself down? Write away...
I haven't been too terribly homesick this semester because I've been to busy to be. The only real spell of it was when my grandpa had some stuff going on with his heart, and I just wanted to be there with my Papa even though it was going to be fine. I'm pretty overprotective of the guy since he's my last living grandpa, but hey, I learned the protectiveness from him. The homesickness is really going to be a big deal this week though because it's always worse right before I go home because I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do while I'm there, and I come to realize just how much I miss about home.
As weird as it sounds, I'm excited to be feeling this way. I haven't been on great terms with my mother (hence moving in with my dad at the end of summer...) for most of the semester, but we're starting to repair our relationship. Before this, I wasn't looking forward to going home really because, as much as I miss a lot of my family, I didn't want to deal with the drama of not wanting to go see my mom and stuff. We're good now, though, so that takes a huge damper off of the week.
I am also highly anxious for this break because I have a lot of questions that I need to have answered by someone there. Some things that have happened since we've known each other and some of the conversations we've had have really left me with more questions and unknowns than I'm comfortable with. I tried getting some things sorted out before I left, but I chickened out and got too caught up in having fun since it was the last time we'd be seeing each other for a while. Immediately upon getting home from hanging out, I was frustrated with myself for not getting the answers I set out to get that night. This is it, though. It's not going to happen again. It can't. It literally is to the point where it's keeping me up at night, and I'm done with that. I'm not going to let it stay that way. Time to take a stand.
This upcoming week before going home, however, is about kicking butt and taking names on some big projects that are due before I leave and catching up in one of my classes.
~"Sad thing is you can still love someone and be wrong for them." [Elvis Presley]~
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Kids
I love working with children. It may sound cliche, but they really do make each and every day special. They make it worth getting outta bed on the days when I thought I had it made under those covers.
I feel like my shifts at work begin at the perfect time right now. Either I am getting there during nap time when only a few children are still awake, or I'm getting there when nap time is over and we're getting everyone up and all the cots put away. The latter can get super-chaotic really quickly (like today when I had one little boy following me around going, "Do you know what?" and telling me stories I really didn't follow at all...it's tough to focus when you're trying to help this girl put on her socks and trying simultaneously to get the boy on the cot next to you to get up), but the former is so tranquil (on the days where I'm not fighting a particular boy to actually stay on his cot instead of causing a ruckus that I'm afraid will wake up the others). It's nice to get to slow down to just rub backs and make sure "my kids" are all sleeping soundly. Sometimes there's even a snorer or two for background noise. Honestly, it makes me think about motherhood...and it's kind of overwhelming sometimes. It's getting closer and closer (but not TOO close yet!), and wow, sometimes I can barely take care of myself; the thought of being in charge of some little critter of my own (that is, btw, an affection nickname like from the Meyers books) is slightly unnerving. Someday I'll be rubbing my own child's backs as they fall asleep. Whoa.
It's also a blast just how hilarious it can be to listen to things that kids have to say or things that they cling to that you never in a million years thought would stick. Take, for instance, the smile button. Yeah, thinking up catchy names on the fly isn't my specialty. Anyways, we have one child who is not a little ray of sunshine when he wakes up from nap time. He gets happy at the drop of a hat, though, and I was trying to get him to that point sooo I was tickling him and told him I'd find his smile button. It worked, he smiled, but the other kids standing there wanted to try it, too. I spent a good portion of time after that finding the smile buttons on my other kids. The secret of the smile button, btw, is that young kids are 99.9% of the time ticklish on their bellies. :)
In un-work-related news, I realized that Thanksgiving break is 2 weeks away. BUT it's also going to be crazy because I have a final project due right before I leave for break, and I'll be finishing up one class and on the last legs of another. It'll be glorious to be home, though.
Alright, time to go tackle something productive for the evening...10:20's the perfect starting time for homework, after all.
~"I don't know what kind of fabric this is, but I want to marry it and have it's babies!" [-Gilmore Girls]~
I feel like my shifts at work begin at the perfect time right now. Either I am getting there during nap time when only a few children are still awake, or I'm getting there when nap time is over and we're getting everyone up and all the cots put away. The latter can get super-chaotic really quickly (like today when I had one little boy following me around going, "Do you know what?" and telling me stories I really didn't follow at all...it's tough to focus when you're trying to help this girl put on her socks and trying simultaneously to get the boy on the cot next to you to get up), but the former is so tranquil (on the days where I'm not fighting a particular boy to actually stay on his cot instead of causing a ruckus that I'm afraid will wake up the others). It's nice to get to slow down to just rub backs and make sure "my kids" are all sleeping soundly. Sometimes there's even a snorer or two for background noise. Honestly, it makes me think about motherhood...and it's kind of overwhelming sometimes. It's getting closer and closer (but not TOO close yet!), and wow, sometimes I can barely take care of myself; the thought of being in charge of some little critter of my own (that is, btw, an affection nickname like from the Meyers books) is slightly unnerving. Someday I'll be rubbing my own child's backs as they fall asleep. Whoa.
It's also a blast just how hilarious it can be to listen to things that kids have to say or things that they cling to that you never in a million years thought would stick. Take, for instance, the smile button. Yeah, thinking up catchy names on the fly isn't my specialty. Anyways, we have one child who is not a little ray of sunshine when he wakes up from nap time. He gets happy at the drop of a hat, though, and I was trying to get him to that point sooo I was tickling him and told him I'd find his smile button. It worked, he smiled, but the other kids standing there wanted to try it, too. I spent a good portion of time after that finding the smile buttons on my other kids. The secret of the smile button, btw, is that young kids are 99.9% of the time ticklish on their bellies. :)
In un-work-related news, I realized that Thanksgiving break is 2 weeks away. BUT it's also going to be crazy because I have a final project due right before I leave for break, and I'll be finishing up one class and on the last legs of another. It'll be glorious to be home, though.
Alright, time to go tackle something productive for the evening...10:20's the perfect starting time for homework, after all.
~"I don't know what kind of fabric this is, but I want to marry it and have it's babies!" [-Gilmore Girls]~
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
"Maybe I'll find some peace tonight."
I haven't updated since the very beginning of the semester. Part of that is my own pride and stubbornness because I didn't want to admit how hard this semester's been for me. The truth is that it has been extremely difficult on multiple levels, and I feel like there are few ways that I've left untouched in terms of things that have gotten messy.
It was hard to even come back out here. I felt like it was terrible timing to leave my family with a lot of things that were going on there and with having just moved in with my dad literally the same week I was coming back here. If I had known at the beginning of the summer how those 3 months were going to go, I would not have planned on coming back for the fall semester. As it was, I wanted to take a semester off, but my dad said no. I obviously survived, though. :-P
I've also just been in a terrible spot financially for most of the semester because work this summer did not go NEARLY as planned, and I barely made any money. I didn't start work until a month into the semester despite getting the job immediately in the beginning of the year, and I didn't get my first paycheck until a week ago. Now I understand how families can be torn apart by the stress of financial troubles...because it is a constant thought on your mind and makes you terribly tense and uptight. It's a terrible feeling.
Working again has been great, though. I am lucky to get to work with kids 6 days a week, 5 of which are at work at a preschool; the 6th day is teaching Sunday school at my church. The latter tends to be QUITE a challenge every single week, but the preschool is more great times than frustrating ones. Both opportunities are great preparation for being a teacher someday and reaffirms the grade level I would prefer to teach at. My kids at the preschool really just make me smile...nothing compares to the feeling of an ambush of tiny arms on your legs when you walk into the room. Talk about a good stress reliever! :-) At this point of the semester when I've realized how terribly I've been doing over the past few weeks, I need that reminder every day from my kids that I'm good at something because it sure as heck doesn't always feel that way.
This is one of the best roommate situations I've been in, too. First of all, I loooove an apartment-style dorm. It's great to have room to spread out rather than being confined to a single space for EVERYthing. We also have such an interesting dynamic with such different personalities and interests, but it's beautiful because we mesh so well. Pretty much never a dull moment here, haha...our quote wall's reeeeaaaally filling up quickly. We're pretty ridiculous...and we'll have some pretty great (and embarrassing, haha!) stories to tell each other's children someday. :-P
Well, this is already a lengthy post, but I'm going to post song lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs...it's one of those that just strikes me over and over again because it's beautiful AND because I know that feeling she's talking about. If you've never heard "Angel" by Sarach McLachlan, look it up...it's a must-hear.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough,
and it's hard, at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.
CHORUS:
In the arms of the angel,
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.
So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
there's vultures and
thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack.
Don't make no difference,
escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in
this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
that brings me to my knees.
REPEAT CHORUS
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.
It was hard to even come back out here. I felt like it was terrible timing to leave my family with a lot of things that were going on there and with having just moved in with my dad literally the same week I was coming back here. If I had known at the beginning of the summer how those 3 months were going to go, I would not have planned on coming back for the fall semester. As it was, I wanted to take a semester off, but my dad said no. I obviously survived, though. :-P
I've also just been in a terrible spot financially for most of the semester because work this summer did not go NEARLY as planned, and I barely made any money. I didn't start work until a month into the semester despite getting the job immediately in the beginning of the year, and I didn't get my first paycheck until a week ago. Now I understand how families can be torn apart by the stress of financial troubles...because it is a constant thought on your mind and makes you terribly tense and uptight. It's a terrible feeling.
Working again has been great, though. I am lucky to get to work with kids 6 days a week, 5 of which are at work at a preschool; the 6th day is teaching Sunday school at my church. The latter tends to be QUITE a challenge every single week, but the preschool is more great times than frustrating ones. Both opportunities are great preparation for being a teacher someday and reaffirms the grade level I would prefer to teach at. My kids at the preschool really just make me smile...nothing compares to the feeling of an ambush of tiny arms on your legs when you walk into the room. Talk about a good stress reliever! :-) At this point of the semester when I've realized how terribly I've been doing over the past few weeks, I need that reminder every day from my kids that I'm good at something because it sure as heck doesn't always feel that way.
This is one of the best roommate situations I've been in, too. First of all, I loooove an apartment-style dorm. It's great to have room to spread out rather than being confined to a single space for EVERYthing. We also have such an interesting dynamic with such different personalities and interests, but it's beautiful because we mesh so well. Pretty much never a dull moment here, haha...our quote wall's reeeeaaaally filling up quickly. We're pretty ridiculous...and we'll have some pretty great (and embarrassing, haha!) stories to tell each other's children someday. :-P
Well, this is already a lengthy post, but I'm going to post song lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs...it's one of those that just strikes me over and over again because it's beautiful AND because I know that feeling she's talking about. If you've never heard "Angel" by Sarach McLachlan, look it up...it's a must-hear.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough,
and it's hard, at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.
CHORUS:
In the arms of the angel,
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.
So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
there's vultures and
thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack.
Don't make no difference,
escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in
this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
that brings me to my knees.
REPEAT CHORUS
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Memories aren't bridges to be burned.
Break ups are like...
- walking with a shoelace untied...you walk along knowing something's amiss, but you keep walking with a few stumbles here and there, but the lace is eventually tied again and bruises heal just fine.
-not being 100% sure you shut the oven off...you constantly second-guess yourself. Sometimes you fight off the urge to check again to reassure yourself, but sometimes you just can't help going in for solid assurance.
- a splinter...an annoying little sensation from an unpleasantly pesky thing that works itself out when the time is right-because sometimes forcing it out prematurely causes more pain.
- a straw...it sucks, but only until your drink runs out.
- a dustbuster...it sucks some more until it eventually has no more power.
- a trampoline...if you land the wrong way, it hurts like crazy, but you always bounce back.
~"Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow, but I know in time we'll find this is no surprise." ["No Surprise" - Daughtry]~
- walking with a shoelace untied...you walk along knowing something's amiss, but you keep walking with a few stumbles here and there, but the lace is eventually tied again and bruises heal just fine.
-not being 100% sure you shut the oven off...you constantly second-guess yourself. Sometimes you fight off the urge to check again to reassure yourself, but sometimes you just can't help going in for solid assurance.
- a splinter...an annoying little sensation from an unpleasantly pesky thing that works itself out when the time is right-because sometimes forcing it out prematurely causes more pain.
- a straw...it sucks, but only until your drink runs out.
- a dustbuster...it sucks some more until it eventually has no more power.
- a trampoline...if you land the wrong way, it hurts like crazy, but you always bounce back.
~"Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow, but I know in time we'll find this is no surprise." ["No Surprise" - Daughtry]~
Monday, August 10, 2009
Flashbacks.
As I butter my toast for breakfast, I find myself remembering (what I think was) the first time I was in charge of making and buttering the toast for the routine Sunday breakfast at my dad's. We all had a hand in it, more and more so as time went on and my brother and I proved we were capable of helping without burning our fingers off or anything. I felt so grown up to be in charge of the toast because hey, toast is the cornerstone of a great breakfast. It was always eggs, toast, sausage, and sometimes pancakes (although that tapered off as I over-pancaked somewhere along the line). I smiled as I remembered doing that at the first apartment my dad lived in, the one with the really cool pantry with the metal doors that slid open and shut like an accordion -- the perfect hiding spot. It was much better than the closet because it had two sides with shelves to choose from rather than sitting in a pile of shoes underneath the coats, and it didn't have the oily, diesel-y smell of my dad's work jackets.
I also came to realize that my dad gave me my first experiences with real cooking. He let me make chocolate pudding one day for dessert. Sure, it was instant, but hey, when you're a little kid you feel like you can conquer the world after mixing it all by yourself and pouring it into the cups for everyone. My curiosity and enjoyment of cooking just grew from that point onward.
It's fun to look back and pinpoint the exact moment when you first learned to do something, and the first moment when you recall having a spark of passion for something. Try and think about that next time you're doing something you really love to do. It's interesting to see what other long lost details come to light again with those thoughts.
~"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." [Albert Camus]~
I also came to realize that my dad gave me my first experiences with real cooking. He let me make chocolate pudding one day for dessert. Sure, it was instant, but hey, when you're a little kid you feel like you can conquer the world after mixing it all by yourself and pouring it into the cups for everyone. My curiosity and enjoyment of cooking just grew from that point onward.
It's fun to look back and pinpoint the exact moment when you first learned to do something, and the first moment when you recall having a spark of passion for something. Try and think about that next time you're doing something you really love to do. It's interesting to see what other long lost details come to light again with those thoughts.
~"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." [Albert Camus]~
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Remaining Time
Alright, I've got about 2.5 weeks left before going back to school, and they are going to be cuh-razy. There's always a lot to fit into the last few weeks of being home, but usually it's just all of the social things I want to do beforehand. This, however, has not been a typical summer, and so why should the ending be any different? Okay, here's what's gotta go down:
- One last project at the center where I did my GS project (working with a summer program for kids)
- My very last shift at Dinner By Design (two whole hours. I don't know if I can survive!! ...not.)
- MADISON with Ls (finally!)
- Finishing the 7-10 pg paper, 10 journals, and posterboard presentation for my GS project and getting it organized and ready to turn in on the first day of classes
- Organizing the contents of my room (and random other belongings spread throughout the house) and packing them
- Moving said belongings out of Mom's house
- Eye exam
- Packing up my aunt's apartment/finding a place to put that stuff
- Packing/organizing everything for my dorm
- Making everything for my dorm fit into my car
- Cleaning at Dad's house
- Lasagna with the brother
- Two last hurrahs with friends at the movies (HP6, Julie & Julia)
- Figuring out what's wrong with my disk drive so that I can actually use it...especially to do a system restore...
- Enjoying time with my family (Girls' Night!)
- Side trip to MO?
- Finding a home for my two cats =o(
CRAZINESS! INSANITY!
...and I should probably be spending less time on the Internet and more time making the things on this list happen.
I'm so excited to go back to school, but it's bittersweet knowing how fast the time's going to go, especially knowing that I might not be living around here again depending on what happens with work in Nebraska. Whatever happens will be great, though. I can feel it. =o)
~"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?" ["Born To Fly" - Sara Evans]~
- One last project at the center where I did my GS project (working with a summer program for kids)
- My very last shift at Dinner By Design (two whole hours. I don't know if I can survive!! ...not.)
- MADISON with Ls (finally!)
- Finishing the 7-10 pg paper, 10 journals, and posterboard presentation for my GS project and getting it organized and ready to turn in on the first day of classes
- Organizing the contents of my room (and random other belongings spread throughout the house) and packing them
- Moving said belongings out of Mom's house
- Eye exam
- Packing up my aunt's apartment/finding a place to put that stuff
- Packing/organizing everything for my dorm
- Making everything for my dorm fit into my car
- Cleaning at Dad's house
- Lasagna with the brother
- Two last hurrahs with friends at the movies (HP6, Julie & Julia)
- Figuring out what's wrong with my disk drive so that I can actually use it...especially to do a system restore...
- Enjoying time with my family (Girls' Night!)
- Side trip to MO?
- Finding a home for my two cats =o(
CRAZINESS! INSANITY!
...and I should probably be spending less time on the Internet and more time making the things on this list happen.
I'm so excited to go back to school, but it's bittersweet knowing how fast the time's going to go, especially knowing that I might not be living around here again depending on what happens with work in Nebraska. Whatever happens will be great, though. I can feel it. =o)
~"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?" ["Born To Fly" - Sara Evans]~
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Mattering.
I'm beyond ready to be back at school. It'll be wonderful to be in an environment where I can be productive everyday, be back at the church I'm missing so terribly, catch up with people...and where I can live in a place where I matter again.
I'm not saying I don't matter to people here. I know I do. I would be crazy to think otherwise. What I am saying is that the home where I spend most of my time -- the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary from the world -- really isn't. It's a war zone. The shrapnel is words left lodged in my mind. The nuclear weapons are the unspoken words and mounting tensions. It's a toxic environment. It's leaking into everything. It's starting to shape me to fit some of those negative implications about who I am, and it's tearing me away from who I actually am.
I'm trying to hold on to that faith. I'm trying to be strong and trusting. I'm trying to remember that I don't have to have all of the answers or fix everyone's problems, but I'm not doing so hot at that. If I can't be all that happy right now, I want everyone else to be able to be happy at least.
Oh, end of summer, I greatly anticipate seeing you come my way.
~"In a way I need a change from this burnt out scene. Another time, another town, another everything..." ["Shatter" - OAR]~
I'm not saying I don't matter to people here. I know I do. I would be crazy to think otherwise. What I am saying is that the home where I spend most of my time -- the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary from the world -- really isn't. It's a war zone. The shrapnel is words left lodged in my mind. The nuclear weapons are the unspoken words and mounting tensions. It's a toxic environment. It's leaking into everything. It's starting to shape me to fit some of those negative implications about who I am, and it's tearing me away from who I actually am.
I'm trying to hold on to that faith. I'm trying to be strong and trusting. I'm trying to remember that I don't have to have all of the answers or fix everyone's problems, but I'm not doing so hot at that. If I can't be all that happy right now, I want everyone else to be able to be happy at least.
Oh, end of summer, I greatly anticipate seeing you come my way.
~"In a way I need a change from this burnt out scene. Another time, another town, another everything..." ["Shatter" - OAR]~
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