"Maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

I haven't updated since the very beginning of the semester. Part of that is my own pride and stubbornness because I didn't want to admit how hard this semester's been for me. The truth is that it has been extremely difficult on multiple levels, and I feel like there are few ways that I've left untouched in terms of things that have gotten messy.

It was hard to even come back out here. I felt like it was terrible timing to leave my family with a lot of things that were going on there and with having just moved in with my dad literally the same week I was coming back here. If I had known at the beginning of the summer how those 3 months were going to go, I would not have planned on coming back for the fall semester. As it was, I wanted to take a semester off, but my dad said no. I obviously survived, though. :-P

I've also just been in a terrible spot financially for most of the semester because work this summer did not go NEARLY as planned, and I barely made any money. I didn't start work until a month into the semester despite getting the job immediately in the beginning of the year, and I didn't get my first paycheck until a week ago. Now I understand how families can be torn apart by the stress of financial troubles...because it is a constant thought on your mind and makes you terribly tense and uptight. It's a terrible feeling.

Working again has been great, though. I am lucky to get to work with kids 6 days a week, 5 of which are at work at a preschool; the 6th day is teaching Sunday school at my church. The latter tends to be QUITE a challenge every single week, but the preschool is more great times than frustrating ones. Both opportunities are great preparation for being a teacher someday and reaffirms the grade level I would prefer to teach at. My kids at the preschool really just make me smile...nothing compares to the feeling of an ambush of tiny arms on your legs when you walk into the room. Talk about a good stress reliever! :-) At this point of the semester when I've realized how terribly I've been doing over the past few weeks, I need that reminder every day from my kids that I'm good at something because it sure as heck doesn't always feel that way.

This is one of the best roommate situations I've been in, too. First of all, I loooove an apartment-style dorm. It's great to have room to spread out rather than being confined to a single space for EVERYthing. We also have such an interesting dynamic with such different personalities and interests, but it's beautiful because we mesh so well. Pretty much never a dull moment here, haha...our quote wall's reeeeaaaally filling up quickly. We're pretty ridiculous...and we'll have some pretty great (and embarrassing, haha!) stories to tell each other's children someday. :-P

Well, this is already a lengthy post, but I'm going to post song lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs...it's one of those that just strikes me over and over again because it's beautiful AND because I know that feeling she's talking about. If you've never heard "Angel" by Sarach McLachlan, look it up...it's a must-hear.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason
to feel not good enough,
and it's hard, at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

CHORUS:
In the arms of the angel,
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel.

You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
there's vultures and
thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack.

Don't make no difference,
escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in
this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
that brings me to my knees.

REPEAT CHORUS

You're in the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.

Memories aren't bridges to be burned.

Break ups are like...

- walking with a shoelace untied...you walk along knowing something's amiss, but you keep walking with a few stumbles here and there, but the lace is eventually tied again and bruises heal just fine.

-not being 100% sure you shut the oven off...you constantly second-guess yourself. Sometimes you fight off the urge to check again to reassure yourself, but sometimes you just can't help going in for solid assurance.

- a splinter...an annoying little sensation from an unpleasantly pesky thing that works itself out when the time is right-because sometimes forcing it out prematurely causes more pain.

- a straw...it sucks, but only until your drink runs out.

- a dustbuster...it sucks some more until it eventually has no more power.

- a trampoline...if you land the wrong way, it hurts like crazy, but you always bounce back.



~"Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow, but I know in time we'll find this is no surprise." ["No Surprise" - Daughtry]~

Flashbacks.

As I butter my toast for breakfast, I find myself remembering (what I think was) the first time I was in charge of making and buttering the toast for the routine Sunday breakfast at my dad's. We all had a hand in it, more and more so as time went on and my brother and I proved we were capable of helping without burning our fingers off or anything. I felt so grown up to be in charge of the toast because hey, toast is the cornerstone of a great breakfast. It was always eggs, toast, sausage, and sometimes pancakes (although that tapered off as I over-pancaked somewhere along the line). I smiled as I remembered doing that at the first apartment my dad lived in, the one with the really cool pantry with the metal doors that slid open and shut like an accordion -- the perfect hiding spot. It was much better than the closet because it had two sides with shelves to choose from rather than sitting in a pile of shoes underneath the coats, and it didn't have the oily, diesel-y smell of my dad's work jackets.

I also came to realize that my dad gave me my first experiences with real cooking. He let me make chocolate pudding one day for dessert. Sure, it was instant, but hey, when you're a little kid you feel like you can conquer the world after mixing it all by yourself and pouring it into the cups for everyone. My curiosity and enjoyment of cooking just grew from that point onward.

It's fun to look back and pinpoint the exact moment when you first learned to do something, and the first moment when you recall having a spark of passion for something. Try and think about that next time you're doing something you really love to do. It's interesting to see what other long lost details come to light again with those thoughts.

~"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." [Albert Camus]~

Remaining Time

Alright, I've got about 2.5 weeks left before going back to school, and they are going to be cuh-razy. There's always a lot to fit into the last few weeks of being home, but usually it's just all of the social things I want to do beforehand. This, however, has not been a typical summer, and so why should the ending be any different? Okay, here's what's gotta go down:

- One last project at the center where I did my GS project (working with a summer program for kids)
- My very last shift at Dinner By Design (two whole hours. I don't know if I can survive!! ...not.)
- MADISON with Ls (finally!)
- Finishing the 7-10 pg paper, 10 journals, and posterboard presentation for my GS project and getting it organized and ready to turn in on the first day of classes
- Organizing the contents of my room (and random other belongings spread throughout the house) and packing them
- Moving said belongings out of Mom's house
- Eye exam
- Packing up my aunt's apartment/finding a place to put that stuff
- Packing/organizing everything for my dorm
- Making everything for my dorm fit into my car
- Cleaning at Dad's house
- Lasagna with the brother
- Two last hurrahs with friends at the movies (HP6, Julie & Julia)
- Figuring out what's wrong with my disk drive so that I can actually use it...especially to do a system restore...
- Enjoying time with my family (Girls' Night!)
- Side trip to MO?
- Finding a home for my two cats =o(

CRAZINESS! INSANITY!

...and I should probably be spending less time on the Internet and more time making the things on this list happen.

I'm so excited to go back to school, but it's bittersweet knowing how fast the time's going to go, especially knowing that I might not be living around here again depending on what happens with work in Nebraska. Whatever happens will be great, though. I can feel it. =o)

~"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?" ["Born To Fly" - Sara Evans]~

Mattering.

I'm beyond ready to be back at school. It'll be wonderful to be in an environment where I can be productive everyday, be back at the church I'm missing so terribly, catch up with people...and where I can live in a place where I matter again.

I'm not saying I don't matter to people here. I know I do. I would be crazy to think otherwise. What I am saying is that the home where I spend most of my time -- the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary from the world -- really isn't. It's a war zone. The shrapnel is words left lodged in my mind. The nuclear weapons are the unspoken words and mounting tensions. It's a toxic environment. It's leaking into everything. It's starting to shape me to fit some of those negative implications about who I am, and it's tearing me away from who I actually am.

I'm trying to hold on to that faith. I'm trying to be strong and trusting. I'm trying to remember that I don't have to have all of the answers or fix everyone's problems, but I'm not doing so hot at that. If I can't be all that happy right now, I want everyone else to be able to be happy at least.

Oh, end of summer, I greatly anticipate seeing you come my way.

~"In a way I need a change from this burnt out scene. Another time, another town, another everything..." ["Shatter" - OAR]~

Relationships.

It takes me a really long time to admit that I'm not happy. It takes me an even longer time when admitting that I'm really not happy affects somebody else, i.e. a relationship. That happened this week, as did the decision to take time to figure things out...for myself, by myself. I've been driving myself crazy since then...I mean, I feel like it's what I need to do, but then I wonder if it's really the best thing right now, and I start thinking that I'm really stupid for letting go because I love this guy. I'm wondering if we'll both ever be happy again...if we'll find other people...or if we're supposed to be together.

See, the question was if we'd really be able to make each other happy despite our differences on what can be seen as some key issues. I really don't think that I can make him as happy as he deserves, and I'm not sure if I can be happy with him...especially knowing that I'm not exactly the kinda girl that's best for him.

A friend and I were discussing this the other night, and we started talking about how you'll never have perfection in your significant other. He mentioned something about an 80-20 rule he'd heard about (he'll have to tell me again where it was from...) where you'll get 80% of what you are looking for in someone else, but there will be 20% that just isn't it. My question is this: Don't you have a say in what 80% you should get, the 80% you're not willing to compromise on?

I don't want to make someone compromise what they really believe. I don't want him to change. And yet...I'm not sure if I'm willing to change, either.

Summertime '09....so far.

Wow, 2 months since my last post. I've been spending significantly less time on the computer though, and that's been wonderful. I've been challenging myself to read a lot more in the stead of going online and doing pointless things like checking Facebook for the gajillionth time...one day I just really thought about it, and I was like, "Wow, it's pointless to be looking at all of these pictures from people I never even talk to or just checking out bumper stickers." I still get sucked in from time to time, but it's getting easier to just focus on getting done what needs to get done on there and signing off. I've been getting a lot more reading in as well, something I've been aching to do for quite a while. There are a lot of books to be read out there. Bring 'em on.

This summer has had some times where it's been great so far (hanging out with my family is what it's all about), but it feels like it's mostly been a slew of disappointments one after another. I've been home for almost a month now, but it's been kind of crazy. Less than 48 hours after getting home, I jumped into an intense Physics class (4 credits in 4 wks...doable, but yes, challenging!) that took up 3.5 hours of CLASS time 4 days a week and at least 2 more hours everyday of homework. Money's been an issue for...well....when isn't it an issue? I've been relying on the fact that having my job back this summer would be a huge help on that front, but I've barely been getting hours, so yeah. I haven't even gotten one paycheck yet (we have to have x amount of hours before they cut us a check), so that's not a good thing. I have another summer class that is 10 hours of class time and 50 hours of a project, and I've gotten the class end outta the way, but the project needs to get done soon. Unfortunately, I just found out a few days ago that the project I was going to do has fallen through because the program I was working with isn't happening, either. There wasn't enough enrollment (it was a summer reading program for kids). Kinda stinks because I don't really know what's going to happen yet with that. I'm hoping I can either find something else or get an incomplete and do something in Seward when I get back. We'll see.

It's also been extremely difficult trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. I knew it would be hard, but I really had not clue just how trying it would be. I used to believe I would be a terrible person to be involved in something long distance, and I had the mentality that I wouldn't ever do it, that somebody would have to be pretty freaking amazing for me to even consider it. Well, here he is...and he is worth it. I'm not handling it very well though, but I'm hoping that with the class being done and my stress level being slightly down that I'll be more patient with the situation and less tense during the time we DO get to talk because up to this point, I've been what I perceive must be pretty difficult to deal with because even though I know that communication is one of the keys to making this work, I've been pretty reluctant to do that.

I think part of the stress is not really feeling as though I have the support of people at home. There's some, but not a lot. I feel as though very few people are taking the time to understand what this guy means to me. Is he different than who they would have expected me to end up with? Yes. But am I happy? Yes. Sometimes it'd be nice to have them take the time to try to understand that and ask questions or something before jumping to conclusions and sticking with opinions that are way off and even (occasionally) rude. It doesn't make me look forward to bringing him around to meet them, and that's disappointing. You shouldn't dread introducing somebody you love to the family you love. I'm hoping that I'm way off on that one. We'll know in 8 days though when he gets here.

And hey, I have changed over the year that I've been away. I think sometimes that change and growth factor is easy to forget about when people are away...we expect them to be the same person when they get back. How often does that happen? And, if it does happen, does that mean they didn't allow the situation to shape them somehow? Does that defeat the purpose of the experience? Hmmm...the opens up a whole new realm of questions, doesn't it?

I have been enjoying establishing a work out routine, though, and pairing that with eating healthier. I have had the tendency in the past to eat pretty badly when I've been home...sometimes not eating 3 meals a day, sometimes eating waaaay too much crap food, etc....basically everything that you shouldn't do! I feel good about it now though. Let me tell ya, that Wii Fit is a pretty good time....but so is going on the elliptical machine or doing some workouts with weights. I'm hoping to be able to keep up with this routine when I get back to school...last year I wasn't too successful with that for too long though, so we'll see.

Does that leave any questions about what's been going on with me lately? Haha...I'm pretty good at making these few and far between, but I make 'em count when I do pop up again!

~"I run my life or is it runnin' me, I run too fast or too slow it seems..." ["I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum...amazing voices in that group...]~