Hodge-podge.

Ordering books! Cleaning! Packing! Seeing family! Seeing friends! Surgeries! Partying! Shelves! Phone calls! 9 hours drives! Goodbyes! Pictures! Nerves! Excitement! Paperwork! Finishing books! Finishing artwork! Working out! Oil changes! Tire alignments! Sleeping! Barnes and Noble! Finding a new journal! Taking lots and lots of pictures! The end of summer! Cooking! Haircut! Shoes! Laundry! Dates! Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2! Little cousins cheerleading! Motorcyle ride! ONE WEEK! Baaah!

So much to fit into so little time!

~"Dear Prudence, open up your eyes, dear Prudence, and see the sunny skies." ["Dear Prudence" - The Beatles]

When "not soon enough" becomes "too soon"...

I keep getting simultaneous waves of butterflies and nausea when I think of leaving in 2 1/2 weeks for a semester in Nebraska. I am excited to take this adventure on, and heck, I'm even proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone to do it. I do, however, have to wonder what I was thinking.

A lot of people hear me say that I'm studying away for a semester, and they get all excited and (inevitably) ask where. You can tell they are picturing something like Europe or Spain...somewhere outside of the Midwest, for sure. I say, "Nebraska," and usually get something along the lines of, "Oh. What's in Nebraska?" Oh, stop. Your encouragement and enthusiasm are just overwhelming me here. What they don't understand is that this really is a big step for me regardless of how minuscule it seems to them.

This is going to be a semester of a lot of growth for me in ways that I just can't really know yet, but a lot of it in my own strength and independence. I do know that I am going to grow in friendships while I'm out there, too, and that helps my nerves stay in check.

It is hard to think of how much I will be missing at CUC though -- from the people to the random experiences that will translate into inside jokes and references to the neighborhood trees changing colors to the feeling of familiarity. It's really sinking in just how little I will be seeing of my family, too...especially the little cousins and a certain beautiful baby girl who will be walking (WALKING!!!) by the time I'm home again. It's no longer a short train ride home.

It'll be worth it.

~In going where you have to go, and doing what you have to do, and seeing what you have to see, you dull and blunt the instrument you write with. But I would rather have it bent and dulled and know I had to put it on the grindstone again and hammer it into shape and put a whetstone to it, and know that I had something to write about, than to have it bright and shining and nothing to say, or smooth and well oiled in the closet, but unused. [Ernest Hemingway]~

Another one down.

So I just finished The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller, and it's definitely one I am going to reread at some point. Waller's good at putting some extremely abstract things into words, and he does a wonderful job of making the story seem possible. Most love stories clearly don't happen like they are written. There were some really good quotes in there as well.

I want to find my own Robert Kincaid.

~"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them." [The Bridges of Madison County]~

Timeless advice.

I'm reading Jane Austen's Emma right now (another one on my list of classics to read), and once again, Jane Austen's words of wisdom are something to take to heart.

"I lay it down as a general rule, Harriet, that if a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to 'Yes,' she ought to say 'No' directly. It is not a state to be safely entered into with doubtful feelings, with half a heart."

This is taken from Emma giving advice to a younger woman after the woman receives a letter with a proposal in it.

So the bottom line is that you really do have to listen to your whole heart. Don't let other's expectations sway you from what your instincts say.

Hmmm.

The butterflies don't strike me like they used to. They aren't completely gone yet, but maybe they will be one day. I just can't decide if this is good or not. I don't know how I feel about it yet. It's the first time in over a year that they haven't been present.

~"I'm not trying to shut you out. I just don't understand it enough to let you in yet." [-One Tree Hill]~

New poem...

Façade

By Michelle 6/1/08

These bracelets annoy me as much as he does,
Sitting across from me,
Lying with the words he does not say,
Looking at me like I have not changed
And will fall again for his game.

But those months without him were my cure
As I sat alone,
Opening my eyes to the nothingness he has to offer,
Observing how he wanted all control
And willing to give him none.

I am no longer weak enough to fall again
And pine on my knees,
Chasing after his temporary presence,
Choosing the emptiness over loneliness
And willing there to be more.

I am smart enough to take control
And run the game,
Lending my presence but not myself,
Leaning away from the illusions he leads
And the will to settle.

I deserve more.

Dedicated to someone who has no clue that this is about him, and who never will.

A new decade begins.

So 20 came in with a bit of a bang. Lots of storms. We even had some rotating clouds above my house on Saturday. Happy birthday to me, hey? I found out my high school has had some terrible flooding. This slide show depicts what's going on in that part of town.

All of the pictures of what is going on not just in my area, but the entire state, and even the entire Midwest are just awesome in a simultaneously saddening manner. I just saw footage of Lake Delton in the Dells sweeping away lake homes and essentially disappearing...Wow. Can't help but marvel at the power of God.

Despite the weather, I was glad to have a better weekend than I anticipated. I just was not excited about turning 20. I didn't really know how I felt, actually.Two of my friend basically lived at my house this weekend though, and we had a kick-ass bonfire one night, and just did a LOT of talking the entire weekend. That in addition to a lot of time with my family (both sides) was the perfect way to usher in a new decade of my life.

~"Well, who's to blame? Are we making the right choices?" ["Brave" - Idina Menzel]~