Discovery Mode

So I used to watch home improvement shows a lot. I'm talking about where they would fix up houses, redecorate, etc. I felt like a nerd, but, well, I am one, so it fits. I just kind of grew up watching them, and I learned a lot from them.

I also used to love to rearrange my room all the time. I started getting a life, though, beyond furniture moving, and my room started staying as is. But I really enjoyed coming up with new ways to do things. I still get a certain thrill from drawing out plans for a new room layout. And yes, I do draw them out. I then move things around until they feel right.

This experience with this old house has made me realize a few things. I'll make a list since my list making has significantly decreased with the lack of Post-Its due to the move:

1) I really, really, really am looking forward to moving into my own place someday that doesn't require me to move a few months after moving in.

2) I have a lot of junk that I really don't need, and I've gotten better at getting rid of things without second-guessing it. The less there is to move, the better.

3) I really enjoy housework like painting and rearranging.

4) My back and feet don't like painting and rearranging.

5) I want a house with a porch someday...or at least a wickedly cool wooden fire escape (which, come to think of it, is pretty hilariously ironic).

6) I love figuring out paint colors/color schemes for rooms.

7) I believe old houses have much more charm than new homes. This is part of the reason why I will probably never have a house built. I'd rather move into one that comes with its own history and story to tell.

8) This futon will not be as comfortable for 3 months as I originally though for a bed...and I will be seeking ways to make it more comfortable...more blankets?

9) I am actually going to be sad to leave this place in August.

10) I have severely underestimated my dust allergies.

And now it's time to find a lesson for Sunday School...which I will be teaching in 8 hours...will the last-minuting never end?!?

~"Oh yeah, using the wall is cool. You know what else is cool? USING THE FRONT DOOR! You fix that wall before my dad comes home...my dad's never going to believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came crashing through the wall!" [Dane Cook on the Kool-Aid guy]~

Lost.

That's the state of most of my stuff right now. Well, okay, I can tell you where it is (the dining room), but not how to get to it or what exactly is where. It'll make actually making an effort to look like a normal human being in the morning (instead of someone whose how-lazy-can-i-possibly-be-with-getting-ready look screams, "Hey, I'm in the middle of a wicked-stressful and bumpy move") interesting...especially for going teacher aiding again like I promised. Man, I need to get better at saying "no" to things. Note to self: Just Say No. It's not just for drugs anymore.

It's also just the state of me. I'm taking a class right now called Christian Doctrine 2. I took the first component in the fall. Both are required for my Ed. degree, but I actually want to take these. They approach it from a Lutheran perspective. Being a girl aiming to be a Lutheran school teacher who did not, in fact, grow up in the Lutheran church (or any church for that matter), it's a handy class to take to familiarize myself further with the doctrine of my church. I enjoy it. It's also just very challenging because of how mentally demanding it is. Faith isn't an area where you just blindly accept things. That's a very dangerous thing to do.

Today we talked about the Israelites and Moses...and we talked about how they were wandering in the desert for 40 years. God fully removed every avenue for them to be self-reliant...and yet He provided for their every need.

We also hit on how we are the Israelites of today, but I really love that thought. I've been thinking a lot about this college thing and how old all of this moving around gets (especially after taking about two days and countless trips to move all of my stuff into the house...ugh, I think it multiplies when I'm not looking). I got to thinking about how some friends and I have been talking about how we haven't felt like we actually have a "home" since we started college. How perfect of an analogy are the Israelites for us?

It always fascinates me that not only is the Bible called "The Living Word", but how very true that title is.

~"Life has a way of pulling away all of our little gods and goddesses until all we have left is our belief in Christ." [Prof. Reek]~

Moving On

Oy, this week will not be one that I'll be missin' when it's over.

The weekend was rough. I spent at least half of it crying for a handful of reasons (both good and bad, but mostly the latter). Friends left. Moving's been a mess. Cleaning and painting need to get done. I started a class that's 3.5 hours every morning, and I've been working. I've had a meeting two nights in a row for work-related things.

I'm one big ball of stress right now.

I'm learning a lot about things I will never do again when it comes time to move into a house for real, though...that's a plus, right?

I've also finally learned my lesson. I thought I could depend on someone that really it turns out I can't. I'm done. I'm walking away. I'm moving on.

~"This ain't Hollywood. This is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around." [-"White Horse" by Taylor Swift]~

Graduation: The Left Behind Edition

I'm so proud of all of my friends who are graduating today. All of them slaved away for 4 (some of them more than that) years, and they are ready to move on to bigger and better things. I'm excited to hear about where their lives will take them. I've been blessed with the chance to watch so many friends grow into wonderful people over the past few years, and I'm looking forward to seeing them grow in new ways.

One of the perks of being at a Lutheran college is the church services. We pretty much have one for every special occasion. Seeing so many of my friends in their caps and gowns at the church service for the graduates was surreal, but it was great to see the joy radiating from so many faces. There was pride on the faces of families and friends during and after the ceremony was indescribable. I couldn't help but smile as I saw them, too, and thought, This is it.

I have a problem, though, that I have to confess. I'm slightly bitter. As happy and proud as I am, I'm also being selfishly sad. It's like that Toby Keith song..."I'm not crying 'cause I feel sorry for you, I'm crying for me." The people I will be watching walk across that stage tomorrow are some of the people I have really come to treasure the same way as family. There are people who have been so influential to me. There are those who helped me learn lessons that I'll never forget. There are those who have just created great memories with me. There are so many people that I will never see again after tomorrow...and that makes my heart ache. I feel as though the people who have made my college career what it is are all leaving tomorrow, and that this year was the peak, next year will not be the same, and all the other whining I could come up with. There are a handful of people who will be here to graduate with me next year, but it's not the same. I just can't help but feel left behind.

And don't even get me started on missing my friends from CUC walking across the stage tomorrow...and the knowledge that I could've been walking with them. That realization made me feel my first few significant tinges of regret for transferring.

Next year's my time, though, and so much that I need to experience lies in these next 12 months.

I'm going to enjoy watching people walk across that stage. I'll have tears in my eyes. While I can't stop a few sad ones from being in the mix, most of the tears will be of joy and pride for my friends.

~"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." [-Dr. Seuss]~

Antebellum

Did you know that "antebellum" means "existing before war"? It's typically used to refer to the Civil War. My antebellum has been over for a while. I've been trapped in a war of emotions and rational thinking, of truths versus wishful thinking.

I'm done worrying about things beyond my control. "What if's" turn into the enemy after a while as they begin to fuel the fire of energy wasted on envisioning what could be rather than what is. Doing that tears you away from enjoying the things that are right in front of you...like the wonderful friendships that could be if you just let them.

I'm focusing on friendships. Those have always been what have gotten me through the tough times, and those have been what have challenged me to think the most lately to make better decisions. Those have been some of the biggest sources of joy and meaning in my life lately.

I treasure the times with friends that I know are going to resurface as stories told and retold throughout the years to come. I am in the prime time for developing those as we speak, and I'm going to enjoy it.

This song is one that I came across tonight on a CD I got from a friend, and it's just a testament to some of frustrations stemming from being too optimistic for my own good sometimes. Things work out in the end, but it's not easy to get to be okay with the outcomes or the process.


"Love This Pain" by Lady Antebellum

She's no good for me
I know that she's a wild flower
She's got a restlessness
A beautifulness, a thing about her
But here I am again calling her back
Letting her drive me crazy

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's just an on again
And off again situation
It's just striking a match
A tank of gas combination
But here I am again lighting it up
Knowing that she'll just burn me

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's like I love this life
When nothing's right, yeah something's wrong
It's like I'm just not me
If I can't be a sad, sad song

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up

Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain
Oh yeah, it's like I love this pain
I can't walk away, oh no
It's like I love this pain

Congratulations

I got home from a trying afternoon with the preschoolers the other day to find an email with my Student Teaching 1 placement, and it literally was a breath-taking moment. The first line of the email congratulated us on getting to student teach, and that made me tear up. I read my assignment for a 5th grade classroom in a nearby town's public school, and then I proceeded to cry for a spell. I've been looking forward to student teaching since the day I started education classes as a freshman, but it felt like I'd never get to this point. Now it's merely months away, and I sat there trying to figure out how I made it this far and having that mental argument about how ready I am for it.

What got me, though, was that simple "Congratulations!" in the email. I've never stopped to really consider student teaching as an accomplishment. Survival of student teaching resulting in a diploma? Yes, that one's easy to see, but not this.

It really clicked, though, that this is what I have been working toward for the past 4 years. This is it. This is my future becoming the present. These are my goals becoming a reality. This is the point where there's no turning back, gotta plunge in head-first and prepare for the bumps, bruises, and learning along the way.

Those were tears with a myriad of emotions behind them: elation for actually getting a placement, a few for fear of the unknown (and those 5th graders), laughter at the ironic timing (when I felt pretty low after a rough day), joy for the wonderful things that will come with the experience, and some melancholy ones that came with the recognition that college as I know it will never be the same as the past few years.

Hello, again, adulthood. Thanks for giving me constant reminders that you've arrived for good. I'm ready for the adventures you have in store for me. Bring it on.

~"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." [-I Tim. 4:12]~

Inspiration

A wise and beautiful poetry professor once told me that the way to get over the writer's block-induced dry spells of writing was to just start writing.

I finally listened.

I've been reading a book about writing that I've been borrowing from a friend for oh, I don't know, at least a year now, I suppose, and it's challenged me back into writing. I've also been looking back on things I've jotted down as beginnings/parts of/ideas for poems from the past. I've missed it so much, and I've been really frustrated to not be writing.

I've been writing both short stories and cranked out a poem, and I toyed around with another one today. Only of those is almost ready to share (unless you are willing to proofread, then it's ready to read now). I've also been tossing around some ideas for a children's book. Maybe that will amount to something someday. We'll see.

~"From time to time, from the endless flow of our mental imagery, there emerges unexpectedly something that, vague though it may be, seems to carry the promise of a form, a meaning, and, more important, an irresistible poetic charge." [Leo Lionni]~