"Outgoing Guts"

"And by the way, everything in life is writable if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

Confession: I fell into the self-doubt trap. 

I have been on a long hiatus from writing in general. I've written in my personal journal, but that's it. Sure, at first part of it was a change in the amount of free time I had as I juggled wedding planning, teaching, and working on the house. If I'm honest, though, it was bigger than that. 

I got sick of how blogging changed some of the relationships in my life. I wrote a little about what was going on in my life, but life was bigger than words in a post or two. I'm not the kind that spills every detail or feeling to everyone I meet. 

It made me so sad and frustrated when I would talk about something with someone and get a response that they'd already read about it on my blog. That was like the end of the conversation. The salt in the wound was perhaps that some of the ones I heard that from were people I heard less often from anyways. I would think, "Um, okay, but I brought it up with YOU to get your input...and because there is more to it than what I wanted to put out for everyone's eyes. But you don't want to hear about it, so that's cool."

There is a difference between knowing a person's blog and a person.

I ended up running out of steam. I just let myself stay frustrated for silly reasons, really, and then just didn't care for a while. I started missing it, though, and began pulling up the blog to post again.

The blank posts were intimidating. Anything I started seemed insignificant in light of all life's recent changes, but I didn't feel like posting about things many people already knew about...so what to write about?? It was easier to say nothing and close the browser than try something out. 

But I haven't stopped missing it. I still don't have as much free time as I used to, but we can always find time for things we are passionate about. I'm done letting self-doubt stop me from writing. It's time to find my "outgoing guts" and get back to it.

To those of you who blog, have you ever noticed your blog having any effects on your relationships?

Things That Make Me Feel Old

1. Not being able to be fully energized by a mere 5 hours of sleep. Heck, even 6 doesn't do the trick. Nope, I need approximately 7.5 hours to beat that tired feeling...and at least 1.5 cups of coffee.

2. Sometimes I have to turn down the radio in the car. There are even times when I turn it off just to enjoy driving in silence. Seriously, the college version of myself would want to kick current self in the shins for that crime.

3. I get to places early...sometimes...not just at the appointed time or a little after. We're talking early enough to bust out a book or a Reader's Digest for a little while.

4. I have most of my lesson plans for next week already written, and some for the next 2 after that. I have even mapped out the themes of the school year for most subjects. I feel so....so....responsible.

5. I get aggravated with teenyboppers blaring their music or making me feel the bass from their music as they drive by our house. Sometimes I even complain aloud to my husband about how unnecessary and rude that it. And it's not even GOOD music! I can't even listen to more than 3 seconds of a lot of pop music these days. Yup, I'm a curmudgeon. But it were something like "Bohemian Rhapsody" or "Livin' On a Prayer", well, obviously that has to be turned up that loud.

6. The look on my students' faces when we are making a graph of how many of the people in our classroom are 5 and how many are 6 and how many are 25.

7. Having to say that I am 25.

8. Not always being able to remember my age on the spot.

9. Having a maiden name. And having so many friends with maiden names. These new names get confusing.

10. Being excited to "sleep in" until 7 and then get up to get lots of things done.

11. Being excited to go to bed before 11. Worse yet...sometimes being excited to be in bed not long after 10pm.

12. Falling asleep on the couch while watching a TV show.

13. Crocheting and watching TV mindlessly can be considered a perfectly relaxing way to spend some free time. 

14. Complaining/lamenting about the manners/trends/interests/icons/etc. of today's youth population...while not always understanding what some of the terms are. (Am I the only one who had no idea what twerking was when all of this VMA hype came up???)

15. Random body pains resulting from absolutely no rhyme or reason.


While I'm sure that I can and will add to this list sometime, I actually used blogging as a means of procrastination...not having done that in a long time also makes me feel old. But seriously, I need to go get things done. It's almost 8pm and that's basically past my bedtime now that I'm getting up there in years.

True Story

A Girl Can Get a Lot of Thinking Done in 2 Hours

I got to drive a two hour round trip today for a 10 minute meeting that I nearly missed (that's another story).

Lincoln brings back so many vivid memories. Even just the drive makes me nostalgic: I pass by the town I went to school in, and a little later I pass the first place I student taught.

[So really this post should be titled something along the lines of  "there's a lot of time for a girl to think and a lot of prompts to get a girl thinking in 2 hours."]

Life has been beautiful lately. I love my job, the people I'm surrounded by, and everything going on. It's a blur of planning and prepping school things, our house, and our wedding, but even in the stress and crazies of never having enough time I am overwhelmed with how wonderful these things are. I'm trying my best to soak up as much of it as I can and to remind myself of the beauty when it feels like too much.

I am in shock that time's gone by so fast, though. Now the end of the school year is just one week away.

Then comes the goodbyes.

When the door closes behind me when I leave after our closing service, I will no longer officially be a kindergarten teacher.
I will only have "my" classroom until I take my stuff out.
I will no longer be a rookie -- my first teaching job will be over.

I will walk down the steps and walk toward the steps to the next chapter of life...a new marriage, a new city, and a new job search adventure.

Thanks be to God. 

The kids will be singing this next week at our closing service. It's been stuck in my head with all of our practicing, but it's also been stuck on my heart.

Ready to Fly

Up way too late to get things done before leaving, as per usual. It merely increases the odds that I'll be able to nap on the plane a little.

But here are some fun facts about this trip already, kids.

I checked in for my flight already online to discover
1) it's a tiny plane...the kind with a row of single seats on one side of the plane and two on the other.
2) an empty single seat near the front of the plane.

Schwing!

It's not that I don't like to be social on flights. I don't mind. I just also find a sort of zen place while in the air. I love getting absorbed intermittently into staring out the window, music, reading, playing some games, or even just closing my eyes to get lost in my thoughts. It's kind of blissful.

I also got a coupon for $1 off/day. Okay, granted, it's probably like 2 days that I'll end up getting charged for, so it's $2 saved, but hey, I will take my $2 and use it for...um....snacks or coffee or something. Yeah. That evens out the raised prices of those things at the airport, right?

Unless, of course, I lose that stinkin' ticket thing. You know, they tell you to take it with you. I don't listen to that. I had a bad experience once listening to that. That's a story for another day, though...

For now, back to the last bit o' packing before some sleep...gotta keep up with a busy kindergarten schedule tomorrow as we continue making up for lost time with 2 snow days...eep!

Closing Out [2012]

This year...

learning 

making and admitting mistakes 

romping with the pups and the boyfriend

saying goodbye to my first kindergarten class

road trips 

roommate reunion (BFAW) minnesota-style 

a real summer break

florida

traveling with my love

saying hello to the second class

a boyfriend becoming a fiance

a dear friend's wedding 

friends having babies 

growing responsibilities 

God at work through it all

Next year...

many new beginnings

with some new   

                      k  i  n  d  s  

                                     of new beginnings 

a new home

with a new husband 

traveling 

weddings, weddings, and more weddings 

and many, many more

but God will remain the same. 

A Life Update

I've been thinking lately...since last school year at this time I have had the joy of adding an adorable dog to my home and fell in love with an amazing man and his dog...therein getting a life outside of school beyond just cleaning the apartment or the occasional social outing. :) This year for school I've also taken over Midweek at church, which is an hour-long class about the background knowledge the public school kiddos at school need for Confirmation (which the kiddos at our school get it at school during Bible class).  I have 3 5th grade girls, and it's a nice change from 16 kindergarteners. I love all of these changes!!! 

It's that time of year where my students and I have each other figured out pretty well, routines are mastered (or on the brink thereof), and I can try more and more new things with them as their independence continues to grow. In the past month I've seen an explosion of an interest in reading and especially in writing, and that makes me pretty excited! It honestly gets a bit more fun once those light bulbs start turning on because their enthusiasm increases as frustrations decrease. Those light bulb moments are what a teacher lives for.

Our Christmas program is just around the corner now, so our schedule goes out the window for a while, but I love all of the things we get to do around Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel like this is a month of hard work, but it's also packed with fun. Then we get two weeks off to celebrate with our families, rest up, relax, and come back refreshed and ready to tackle all sorts of new things. 

Tim has been an absolutely amazing blessing, especially during the tough start to this school year where there were many days I'd come home and just cry my eyes out for a while. He's been my voice of reason encouraging me to take some time to slow down and relax, especially when I've been at my wit's end about one thing or another. He's my supporter, my helping hands, my adventurer, and my nurturer. He's my best friend and my love, and I love to think that it started out with him just being my neighbor. It's like part of my life is a fairy tale. (He's probably going to be blushing after he reads this...and yet he continues to put up with my antics!)

This coming weekend we get to go and see some old friends from college, and I'm SO excited for that. I'm even more excited to see one of them get MARRIED to an amazing woman! It's going to be fantastic! (I purposely picked "fantastic" for you, Nord.:P)

So things are good. No, wait. Things are great. 

I'm glad Thanksgiving gives us an annual pause to think about how much we've grown and the many, many ways we are blessed. It's hard not to smile thinking about so many wonderful things, big and small, in our lives, isn't it? And giving thanks makes a heart happy. 

Enjoy your time to pause on Thursday and think about all of the blessings in your life. Happy Thanksgiving!