A wise and beautiful poetry professor once told me that the way to get over the writer's block-induced dry spells of writing was to just start writing.
I finally listened.
I've been reading a book about writing that I've been borrowing from a friend for oh, I don't know, at least a year now, I suppose, and it's challenged me back into writing. I've also been looking back on things I've jotted down as beginnings/parts of/ideas for poems from the past. I've missed it so much, and I've been really frustrated to not be writing.
I've been writing both short stories and cranked out a poem, and I toyed around with another one today. Only of those is almost ready to share (unless you are willing to proofread, then it's ready to read now). I've also been tossing around some ideas for a children's book. Maybe that will amount to something someday. We'll see.
~"From time to time, from the endless flow of our mental imagery, there emerges unexpectedly something that, vague though it may be, seems to carry the promise of a form, a meaning, and, more important, an irresistible poetic charge." [Leo Lionni]~
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Summer Living
Spring is finally here, and yet all I can think about is summer. I am ready to be done with this crazy schedule the semester brought, even if it is just to switch to a new hectic schedule. My summer plan is to stay out here, take a class as an independent study (my last required one for my English degree, so I'll technically have one degree down, one to go! CRAZY!), and work at least one job (although I'm hoping for two).
Since I'm staying here, I've been planning on staying in a house nearby. It's HUGE -- 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms -- but it's kind of a pit. Guys have been living there for the past, oh, 6 years? It's also been a notorious party house. The landlord hasn't really kept up with it, so there's a lot of work to do and cleaning to be done. I'd be moving back into the dorms for the fall semester...regular dorms, not the apartment style one I'm in now. The upsides? I'll have a pretty sweet roommate for the summer, and it'll be $150 for the whole summer (with pitching in on cleaning/painting).
Option number two is an apartment with a lease until the end of December. It's 2 bedrooms, located in the middle of town, and I wouldn't have to move out after summer's over. It's 4something a month (including utilities), but with a roommate, that's not bad.
It's time to make some decisions here. Do I want to spend my summer living in a house that desperately needs TLC, or would I rather just have a place to call "mine" and settle into?
This makes me feel frustrated, though, because I'm ready to just be done with the moving around that college brings. I'd like to just move into a place and stay there, settle in, and establish a home. I guess it's a good thing there's only one year left because I'm so ready to just move on with my life.
~"I feel sexiest when I'm in love with somebody. When I'm in love with somebody and I know they're looking at me the way that I'm looking at them, which is from the most honest form of attraction, there's a comfort there and a confidence there that definitely is sexiest." [Josh Groban]~
Since I'm staying here, I've been planning on staying in a house nearby. It's HUGE -- 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms -- but it's kind of a pit. Guys have been living there for the past, oh, 6 years? It's also been a notorious party house. The landlord hasn't really kept up with it, so there's a lot of work to do and cleaning to be done. I'd be moving back into the dorms for the fall semester...regular dorms, not the apartment style one I'm in now. The upsides? I'll have a pretty sweet roommate for the summer, and it'll be $150 for the whole summer (with pitching in on cleaning/painting).
Option number two is an apartment with a lease until the end of December. It's 2 bedrooms, located in the middle of town, and I wouldn't have to move out after summer's over. It's 4something a month (including utilities), but with a roommate, that's not bad.
It's time to make some decisions here. Do I want to spend my summer living in a house that desperately needs TLC, or would I rather just have a place to call "mine" and settle into?
This makes me feel frustrated, though, because I'm ready to just be done with the moving around that college brings. I'd like to just move into a place and stay there, settle in, and establish a home. I guess it's a good thing there's only one year left because I'm so ready to just move on with my life.
~"I feel sexiest when I'm in love with somebody. When I'm in love with somebody and I know they're looking at me the way that I'm looking at them, which is from the most honest form of attraction, there's a comfort there and a confidence there that definitely is sexiest." [Josh Groban]~
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Easter Break-My-Heart
21 years old is notorious for being that age where you're finally legal to drink, but I think that overshadows a lot of what being 21 has entailed...at least for me. For all I know, for some 21 year olds that really is the only significance. For me, it's been comprised of yes, my fair share of enjoying legality, but also a number of decisions made solely by me. I've been faced with a number of situations where I've had to put myself first and figure out what's best for me, just me. A relationship ended, a move occurred, a new job began, my first taste at apartment life came along, and responsibility has trumped wishes on a number of occasions. There have even been Friday and Saturday nights spent doing homework instead of going out. I felt so lame, but I knew that it's a part of life.
Adulthood struck again right before Easter break. I was slated to go home, something I decided two weeks beforehand during Spring Break. I originally intended to stay here and enjoy being at my home church in Seward. The closer it got to being time to go home, the more I dreaded it. I wasn't looking forward to the drive, I needed to do a lot of hw that I knew would not get done if I left, and really, I was not looking forward to a stressful Easter. I also had to spend Monday driving all day and then going to work. Not really my idea of fun, nor would it be a helpful note to end the semester on. I decided to stay here, a decision that came with many tears. I felt like I was disappointing my family somehow, and I was also missing a major holiday with them. I voluntarily put myself and responsibility before my family. I've been raised that family ALWAYS comes first, so this went against my very nature. It was a weird feeling.
The worst part, however, was realizing that this won't be the first time that I'll have to do that...and it broke my heart a little.
So these are the repercussions of being an adult...
~"Find your purpose and fling your life out to it. Find a way or make one. Try with all your might. Self-made or never made." [-Orison Swett Marden]~
Adulthood struck again right before Easter break. I was slated to go home, something I decided two weeks beforehand during Spring Break. I originally intended to stay here and enjoy being at my home church in Seward. The closer it got to being time to go home, the more I dreaded it. I wasn't looking forward to the drive, I needed to do a lot of hw that I knew would not get done if I left, and really, I was not looking forward to a stressful Easter. I also had to spend Monday driving all day and then going to work. Not really my idea of fun, nor would it be a helpful note to end the semester on. I decided to stay here, a decision that came with many tears. I felt like I was disappointing my family somehow, and I was also missing a major holiday with them. I voluntarily put myself and responsibility before my family. I've been raised that family ALWAYS comes first, so this went against my very nature. It was a weird feeling.
The worst part, however, was realizing that this won't be the first time that I'll have to do that...and it broke my heart a little.
So these are the repercussions of being an adult...
~"Find your purpose and fling your life out to it. Find a way or make one. Try with all your might. Self-made or never made." [-Orison Swett Marden]~
Saturday, March 27, 2010
"Heartbreak Warfare"
"Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer
Lightning strike
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
[Chorus]
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain
[Chorus]
How come the only way you know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if ya let me
But I can't break through it all
It's a heart... heartbreak
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien
You're talking shit again
It's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak... heartbreak
It's heartbreak warfare (x3)
Lightning strike
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
[Chorus]
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain
[Chorus]
How come the only way you know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if ya let me
But I can't break through it all
It's a heart... heartbreak
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien
You're talking shit again
It's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak... heartbreak
It's heartbreak warfare (x3)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring Not-So-Much-Break
My life is starting to feature paperwork on a fairly regular basis. Lesson plans are also becoming a constant. Student teaching looms on the horizon. This is is. This is the real deal. While there is still time to back out, that window's getting smaller and smaller. I am going to be a teacher.
I've been getting a preview of student teaching over the past few days by actually doing some on a small scale. I've gotten the opportunity to be in one of the local Lutheran schools here in Racine, and it's been fantastic. The teachers have all been so welcoming and so informative, and it's been a lot of fun to be in the different classrooms. I've been all over the school because the teachers literally have told me to just pop in whenever. It's been a great opportunity to realize how much work lesson plans really are and the importance of being flexible...and also not being too hard on myself. Today really fizzled out, but I'm hoping to fix things tomorrow. We'll see.
This really does make me excited to get into classrooms for student teaching, though, and move on to those next phases. I guess that was probably half of the point of this experience, too, so mission accomplished.
This is the first time I guess I've really gotten the feel for being a real teacher, though...yes, I'm still a student, but they trust my experience and talk to me as an equal. They've been open and honest with me about everything, and it's all been a huge honor for me to be in this position. I've gotten to ask a lot of questions about everything. Having such welcoming and helpful people readily sharing their knowledge and advice is really crucial to helping me feel prepared for the long-run. I need mentors, and this has definitely proven to be an opportunity to find some.
Tomorrow's my last day. I'll be there for the longest I've been there all week, so I'll be pretty wiped by the time I'm done. I might still go back a bit after tomorrow, though, since I'll be in town anyways and because it has been so much fun, but we'll see. At some point I do need to do some other work for my classes and also take some time to enjoy the "break" part.
~"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." [William Arthur Ward]~
I've been getting a preview of student teaching over the past few days by actually doing some on a small scale. I've gotten the opportunity to be in one of the local Lutheran schools here in Racine, and it's been fantastic. The teachers have all been so welcoming and so informative, and it's been a lot of fun to be in the different classrooms. I've been all over the school because the teachers literally have told me to just pop in whenever. It's been a great opportunity to realize how much work lesson plans really are and the importance of being flexible...and also not being too hard on myself. Today really fizzled out, but I'm hoping to fix things tomorrow. We'll see.
This really does make me excited to get into classrooms for student teaching, though, and move on to those next phases. I guess that was probably half of the point of this experience, too, so mission accomplished.
This is the first time I guess I've really gotten the feel for being a real teacher, though...yes, I'm still a student, but they trust my experience and talk to me as an equal. They've been open and honest with me about everything, and it's all been a huge honor for me to be in this position. I've gotten to ask a lot of questions about everything. Having such welcoming and helpful people readily sharing their knowledge and advice is really crucial to helping me feel prepared for the long-run. I need mentors, and this has definitely proven to be an opportunity to find some.
Tomorrow's my last day. I'll be there for the longest I've been there all week, so I'll be pretty wiped by the time I'm done. I might still go back a bit after tomorrow, though, since I'll be in town anyways and because it has been so much fun, but we'll see. At some point I do need to do some other work for my classes and also take some time to enjoy the "break" part.
~"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." [William Arthur Ward]~
Friday, March 5, 2010
Solitude.
The weather's beautiful here! It's in the mid-40s here, and I'm sitting next to an open window with a light breeze blowing fresh air into the apartment, blaring some Vertical Horizon (I've recently gotten hooked on an older CD of theirs), and I'm just taking some time to reflect and organize. This shift in weather is a welcomed change of pace...and a great mood-lifter. Perfect timing, God. :)
I've constantly been hit by the realization that I'm terrible at taking time to sit and be. I get so caught up in going, going, going and doing, doing, doing that I'm constantly caught up in the demands of other people and other things. I made it a goal for this year to take more time to relax, and I've accomplished that in making sure I go and do at least one fun thing with some friends each week, but I've been failing to make deliberate attempts to have some time by myself.
I haven't realized how badly I was craving that until about a month ago. On Valentine's Day, I had a date with myself. I intended to watch a movie, but I got sidetracked and had to push the start time to an hour later, so I just watched some Gilmore Girls...and did nothing by lie there and watch it rather than trying to multitask. At first, I felt all lame and pathetic, and then guilty for not doing anything productive, but then I really started to enjoy the solitude. I was so relaxed! There's definitely another chunk of solitude planned for this weekend.
This week I really needed that. I needed some time to just be apart from all of the expectations. I've taken some extra time to think about things in my life lately, and that's meant some more late nights, but the week has gotten so much better now that I recognize what needed to change and how to work on that. It started with an attitude shift, and now it's a matter of pure grunt work. If you want something to happen, ya gotta make it happen. Nobody else can do it for you.
Some changes are most definitely in the works...and I'm excited. :)
~"It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life." [In the Name of Jesus by Henri J.M. Nouwen]~
I've constantly been hit by the realization that I'm terrible at taking time to sit and be. I get so caught up in going, going, going and doing, doing, doing that I'm constantly caught up in the demands of other people and other things. I made it a goal for this year to take more time to relax, and I've accomplished that in making sure I go and do at least one fun thing with some friends each week, but I've been failing to make deliberate attempts to have some time by myself.
I haven't realized how badly I was craving that until about a month ago. On Valentine's Day, I had a date with myself. I intended to watch a movie, but I got sidetracked and had to push the start time to an hour later, so I just watched some Gilmore Girls...and did nothing by lie there and watch it rather than trying to multitask. At first, I felt all lame and pathetic, and then guilty for not doing anything productive, but then I really started to enjoy the solitude. I was so relaxed! There's definitely another chunk of solitude planned for this weekend.
This week I really needed that. I needed some time to just be apart from all of the expectations. I've taken some extra time to think about things in my life lately, and that's meant some more late nights, but the week has gotten so much better now that I recognize what needed to change and how to work on that. It started with an attitude shift, and now it's a matter of pure grunt work. If you want something to happen, ya gotta make it happen. Nobody else can do it for you.
Some changes are most definitely in the works...and I'm excited. :)
~"It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life." [In the Name of Jesus by Henri J.M. Nouwen]~
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Papa Ski
This is a tough week. It's the one I dread more than any other week of the year.
Flash back to 5 years ago, and my family was going through some rough stuff. 5 years ago today my grandpa died. 5 years and a week ago his wife, my grandma, died. Snap back to current times, and it still hurts. A lot.
I dread this week because I know that I'll have flashbacks running through my mind of the specifics of everything. Sometimes the most random things bring back the most random details from that time in the hospital. I know that it'll hurt all over again to remember. But you know what? This year's different. Today I've let myself dwell on the memories of my grandpa as an individual, as a very influential person in my life, and trying to find areas of my life where I can see how he shaped me. Sure, there have been some tears, but it's been far less heart-wrenching and far more enlightening than remembering exactly how that last bit of time went. It's put smiles on my face and made my heart lighter. It's also heightened my appreciation for him as more than a grandpa because hey, he was a pretty amazing man.
This man was caring. His love for each and every one of us was obvious even if he didn't say it -- you could just see it in his insanely blue eyes. He was a fighter to no end. He fought cancer for the last little bit of his life, but he didn't let that stop him from hanging out with our family or going to the nursing home every single day to stay by my grandma's side. He was devoted to his wife totally, utterly, and completely. I've never seen anyone before or since who was so in love with someone. This was a man who was full of hope and optimism, even when the rest of us weren't so sure. This was a man who always had a smile or a joke, and he had the best laugh for when he was joking...a deep "heh heh heh" that I can still hear in my head as clearly as I heard it while we would be sitting and talking at Auntie Cindy's house not so long ago. This was a man I'm truly lucky to be able to call my grandpa.
That example he gave us is a lot to live up to. I hope whole-heartedly that I'm becoming the kind of girl my grandpa would be proud to look at, smile, and say, "That's my granddaughter."
~"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."[Revelation 21:4]~
Flash back to 5 years ago, and my family was going through some rough stuff. 5 years ago today my grandpa died. 5 years and a week ago his wife, my grandma, died. Snap back to current times, and it still hurts. A lot.
I dread this week because I know that I'll have flashbacks running through my mind of the specifics of everything. Sometimes the most random things bring back the most random details from that time in the hospital. I know that it'll hurt all over again to remember. But you know what? This year's different. Today I've let myself dwell on the memories of my grandpa as an individual, as a very influential person in my life, and trying to find areas of my life where I can see how he shaped me. Sure, there have been some tears, but it's been far less heart-wrenching and far more enlightening than remembering exactly how that last bit of time went. It's put smiles on my face and made my heart lighter. It's also heightened my appreciation for him as more than a grandpa because hey, he was a pretty amazing man.
This man was caring. His love for each and every one of us was obvious even if he didn't say it -- you could just see it in his insanely blue eyes. He was a fighter to no end. He fought cancer for the last little bit of his life, but he didn't let that stop him from hanging out with our family or going to the nursing home every single day to stay by my grandma's side. He was devoted to his wife totally, utterly, and completely. I've never seen anyone before or since who was so in love with someone. This was a man who was full of hope and optimism, even when the rest of us weren't so sure. This was a man who always had a smile or a joke, and he had the best laugh for when he was joking...a deep "heh heh heh" that I can still hear in my head as clearly as I heard it while we would be sitting and talking at Auntie Cindy's house not so long ago. This was a man I'm truly lucky to be able to call my grandpa.
That example he gave us is a lot to live up to. I hope whole-heartedly that I'm becoming the kind of girl my grandpa would be proud to look at, smile, and say, "That's my granddaughter."
~"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."[Revelation 21:4]~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)