It takes me a really long time to admit that I'm not happy. It takes me an even longer time when admitting that I'm really not happy affects somebody else, i.e. a relationship. That happened this week, as did the decision to take time to figure things out...for myself, by myself. I've been driving myself crazy since then...I mean, I feel like it's what I need to do, but then I wonder if it's really the best thing right now, and I start thinking that I'm really stupid for letting go because I love this guy. I'm wondering if we'll both ever be happy again...if we'll find other people...or if we're supposed to be together.
See, the question was if we'd really be able to make each other happy despite our differences on what can be seen as some key issues. I really don't think that I can make him as happy as he deserves, and I'm not sure if I can be happy with him...especially knowing that I'm not exactly the kinda girl that's best for him.
A friend and I were discussing this the other night, and we started talking about how you'll never have perfection in your significant other. He mentioned something about an 80-20 rule he'd heard about (he'll have to tell me again where it was from...) where you'll get 80% of what you are looking for in someone else, but there will be 20% that just isn't it. My question is this: Don't you have a say in what 80% you should get, the 80% you're not willing to compromise on?
I don't want to make someone compromise what they really believe. I don't want him to change. And yet...I'm not sure if I'm willing to change, either.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Summertime '09....so far.
Wow, 2 months since my last post. I've been spending significantly less time on the computer though, and that's been wonderful. I've been challenging myself to read a lot more in the stead of going online and doing pointless things like checking Facebook for the gajillionth time...one day I just really thought about it, and I was like, "Wow, it's pointless to be looking at all of these pictures from people I never even talk to or just checking out bumper stickers." I still get sucked in from time to time, but it's getting easier to just focus on getting done what needs to get done on there and signing off. I've been getting a lot more reading in as well, something I've been aching to do for quite a while. There are a lot of books to be read out there. Bring 'em on.
This summer has had some times where it's been great so far (hanging out with my family is what it's all about), but it feels like it's mostly been a slew of disappointments one after another. I've been home for almost a month now, but it's been kind of crazy. Less than 48 hours after getting home, I jumped into an intense Physics class (4 credits in 4 wks...doable, but yes, challenging!) that took up 3.5 hours of CLASS time 4 days a week and at least 2 more hours everyday of homework. Money's been an issue for...well....when isn't it an issue? I've been relying on the fact that having my job back this summer would be a huge help on that front, but I've barely been getting hours, so yeah. I haven't even gotten one paycheck yet (we have to have x amount of hours before they cut us a check), so that's not a good thing. I have another summer class that is 10 hours of class time and 50 hours of a project, and I've gotten the class end outta the way, but the project needs to get done soon. Unfortunately, I just found out a few days ago that the project I was going to do has fallen through because the program I was working with isn't happening, either. There wasn't enough enrollment (it was a summer reading program for kids). Kinda stinks because I don't really know what's going to happen yet with that. I'm hoping I can either find something else or get an incomplete and do something in Seward when I get back. We'll see.
It's also been extremely difficult trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. I knew it would be hard, but I really had not clue just how trying it would be. I used to believe I would be a terrible person to be involved in something long distance, and I had the mentality that I wouldn't ever do it, that somebody would have to be pretty freaking amazing for me to even consider it. Well, here he is...and he is worth it. I'm not handling it very well though, but I'm hoping that with the class being done and my stress level being slightly down that I'll be more patient with the situation and less tense during the time we DO get to talk because up to this point, I've been what I perceive must be pretty difficult to deal with because even though I know that communication is one of the keys to making this work, I've been pretty reluctant to do that.
I think part of the stress is not really feeling as though I have the support of people at home. There's some, but not a lot. I feel as though very few people are taking the time to understand what this guy means to me. Is he different than who they would have expected me to end up with? Yes. But am I happy? Yes. Sometimes it'd be nice to have them take the time to try to understand that and ask questions or something before jumping to conclusions and sticking with opinions that are way off and even (occasionally) rude. It doesn't make me look forward to bringing him around to meet them, and that's disappointing. You shouldn't dread introducing somebody you love to the family you love. I'm hoping that I'm way off on that one. We'll know in 8 days though when he gets here.
And hey, I have changed over the year that I've been away. I think sometimes that change and growth factor is easy to forget about when people are away...we expect them to be the same person when they get back. How often does that happen? And, if it does happen, does that mean they didn't allow the situation to shape them somehow? Does that defeat the purpose of the experience? Hmmm...the opens up a whole new realm of questions, doesn't it?
I have been enjoying establishing a work out routine, though, and pairing that with eating healthier. I have had the tendency in the past to eat pretty badly when I've been home...sometimes not eating 3 meals a day, sometimes eating waaaay too much crap food, etc....basically everything that you shouldn't do! I feel good about it now though. Let me tell ya, that Wii Fit is a pretty good time....but so is going on the elliptical machine or doing some workouts with weights. I'm hoping to be able to keep up with this routine when I get back to school...last year I wasn't too successful with that for too long though, so we'll see.
Does that leave any questions about what's been going on with me lately? Haha...I'm pretty good at making these few and far between, but I make 'em count when I do pop up again!
~"I run my life or is it runnin' me, I run too fast or too slow it seems..." ["I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum...amazing voices in that group...]~
This summer has had some times where it's been great so far (hanging out with my family is what it's all about), but it feels like it's mostly been a slew of disappointments one after another. I've been home for almost a month now, but it's been kind of crazy. Less than 48 hours after getting home, I jumped into an intense Physics class (4 credits in 4 wks...doable, but yes, challenging!) that took up 3.5 hours of CLASS time 4 days a week and at least 2 more hours everyday of homework. Money's been an issue for...well....when isn't it an issue? I've been relying on the fact that having my job back this summer would be a huge help on that front, but I've barely been getting hours, so yeah. I haven't even gotten one paycheck yet (we have to have x amount of hours before they cut us a check), so that's not a good thing. I have another summer class that is 10 hours of class time and 50 hours of a project, and I've gotten the class end outta the way, but the project needs to get done soon. Unfortunately, I just found out a few days ago that the project I was going to do has fallen through because the program I was working with isn't happening, either. There wasn't enough enrollment (it was a summer reading program for kids). Kinda stinks because I don't really know what's going to happen yet with that. I'm hoping I can either find something else or get an incomplete and do something in Seward when I get back. We'll see.
It's also been extremely difficult trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. I knew it would be hard, but I really had not clue just how trying it would be. I used to believe I would be a terrible person to be involved in something long distance, and I had the mentality that I wouldn't ever do it, that somebody would have to be pretty freaking amazing for me to even consider it. Well, here he is...and he is worth it. I'm not handling it very well though, but I'm hoping that with the class being done and my stress level being slightly down that I'll be more patient with the situation and less tense during the time we DO get to talk because up to this point, I've been what I perceive must be pretty difficult to deal with because even though I know that communication is one of the keys to making this work, I've been pretty reluctant to do that.
I think part of the stress is not really feeling as though I have the support of people at home. There's some, but not a lot. I feel as though very few people are taking the time to understand what this guy means to me. Is he different than who they would have expected me to end up with? Yes. But am I happy? Yes. Sometimes it'd be nice to have them take the time to try to understand that and ask questions or something before jumping to conclusions and sticking with opinions that are way off and even (occasionally) rude. It doesn't make me look forward to bringing him around to meet them, and that's disappointing. You shouldn't dread introducing somebody you love to the family you love. I'm hoping that I'm way off on that one. We'll know in 8 days though when he gets here.
And hey, I have changed over the year that I've been away. I think sometimes that change and growth factor is easy to forget about when people are away...we expect them to be the same person when they get back. How often does that happen? And, if it does happen, does that mean they didn't allow the situation to shape them somehow? Does that defeat the purpose of the experience? Hmmm...the opens up a whole new realm of questions, doesn't it?
I have been enjoying establishing a work out routine, though, and pairing that with eating healthier. I have had the tendency in the past to eat pretty badly when I've been home...sometimes not eating 3 meals a day, sometimes eating waaaay too much crap food, etc....basically everything that you shouldn't do! I feel good about it now though. Let me tell ya, that Wii Fit is a pretty good time....but so is going on the elliptical machine or doing some workouts with weights. I'm hoping to be able to keep up with this routine when I get back to school...last year I wasn't too successful with that for too long though, so we'll see.
Does that leave any questions about what's been going on with me lately? Haha...I'm pretty good at making these few and far between, but I make 'em count when I do pop up again!
~"I run my life or is it runnin' me, I run too fast or too slow it seems..." ["I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum...amazing voices in that group...]~
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mark my words. Mark 11:27-33, to be exact.
Somehow my appreciation for my brother's music increases at 2 a.m., but I think that's just because my appreciation for any stimuli while I'm working on papers goes up at this hour, too.
I'm in midst of a 25 page paper. It's due on Friday. It's dominating my life right now. It's a mild obsession, really...sometimes amongst the research/writing journey it's genuine motivation that drives me, other times it's the grade. It's an exegetical on Mark 11:25-33. It's actually pretty fascinating, but it's definitely a bunch of work. There are 16 steps to cover, and a 25 page limit. I'm afraid to say that I may have to condense information because I may have too much, but we'll see. 11 down, 14 to go...
Wow, I can tell I've been exegetical-ing too much this weekend because I had the sudden urge to hit ctrl+s to save after writing that! Habitual now, I'm afraid...wasn't about to lose any pages due to some silly error or random computer shut down (gotta love the quirks of your technological objects!) or something.
So for the quote, how 'bout my exegetical text? Yeah! Enjoy!
I'm in midst of a 25 page paper. It's due on Friday. It's dominating my life right now. It's a mild obsession, really...sometimes amongst the research/writing journey it's genuine motivation that drives me, other times it's the grade. It's an exegetical on Mark 11:25-33. It's actually pretty fascinating, but it's definitely a bunch of work. There are 16 steps to cover, and a 25 page limit. I'm afraid to say that I may have to condense information because I may have too much, but we'll see. 11 down, 14 to go...
Wow, I can tell I've been exegetical-ing too much this weekend because I had the sudden urge to hit ctrl+s to save after writing that! Habitual now, I'm afraid...wasn't about to lose any pages due to some silly error or random computer shut down (gotta love the quirks of your technological objects!) or something.
So for the quote, how 'bout my exegetical text? Yeah! Enjoy!
MARK 11:27-33 TEXT (NIV)
27They arrived again in Jerusalem, and while Jesus was walking in the temple courts, the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders came to him. 28“By what authority are you doing these things?” they asked. “And who gave you authority to do this?” 29Jesus replied, “I will ask you one question. Answer me, and I will tell you by what authority I am doing these things. 30John’s baptism – was it from heaven, or from men? Tell me!” 31They discussed it among themselves and said, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will ask, ‘Then why didn’t you believe him?’ 32But if we say, ‘From men,…” (They feared the people, for everyone held that John really was a prophet.) 33So they answered Jesus, “We don’t know.” Jesus said, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.”Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
4 years.
"There's no crying in baseball!" It's a good thing I don't play because I couldn't stop the tears completely today.
"It's a myth that people experience grief for a certain amount of time and then they're over it. Our culture assumes grief should be over in a year, so people may think they're going crazy if they cant 'wrap it up' by then." (- Sandy, the grief support group counselor in the book Good Grief by Lolly Winston...)
I sometimes pretend to be tougher than I am when the truth is that 4 years just makes you better at forgetting how much you miss them.
"It's a myth that people experience grief for a certain amount of time and then they're over it. Our culture assumes grief should be over in a year, so people may think they're going crazy if they cant 'wrap it up' by then." (- Sandy, the grief support group counselor in the book Good Grief by Lolly Winston...)
I sometimes pretend to be tougher than I am when the truth is that 4 years just makes you better at forgetting how much you miss them.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Losing touch and touching lives.
Sooo here's a random thought I've been pondering for a while: It seems that one of the main reasons people lose touch with people they really care about is because of good intentions. Think about it. How many times have you put off calling somebody you haven't talked to in a while because you wanted a large block of time to catch up on everything? Well, we're at the point where that huge block of time either never comes or quickly gets filled with other things. Oh, Robert Burns knew what he was talking about ("The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."). Wouldn't it be better just to make a quick phone call here and there so they know you're thinking of them? Perhaps a little card or something? It's hard to find time for any of that sometimes, too, but it's a lot easier than waiting for a block of time.
On an unrelated note, I start teaching in about 2 weeks. One of my classes requires a lab where we team teach a unit in science or social studies. I'm really looking forward to it (in between the times my brain is running through all of the worst case scenarios of this blowing up in my face and my stomach is in knots!) because my partner seems pretty cool and easy-going, and we're in a first grade room doing a social studies unit on natural resources. Our cooperating teacher is going to be a huge help -- she offered to help us find books to use and provide some materials, etc. I've been learning a lot of cool things to use in a classroom in terms of activities, management tips, and the like, so it'll be great to get to try them out! It is kind of overwhelming having no idea where to start with lesson planning and such, but that's what this is all about. It's essentially a low dosage of what student teaching will be like. (Oh, student teaching...such a terrifying phrase...this time in 2 years I will be in some random place in the country...I don't even know where...probably all alone...yikes!!!)
Oy, this time next week I'll be home. =o)
Happy weekending!
~"There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, a beautiful release...maybe you'll find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel. " ["Angel" - Sarah McLachlin...my favorite song of hers, and definitely in my top 5 favorite songs of all time]~
On an unrelated note, I start teaching in about 2 weeks. One of my classes requires a lab where we team teach a unit in science or social studies. I'm really looking forward to it (in between the times my brain is running through all of the worst case scenarios of this blowing up in my face and my stomach is in knots!) because my partner seems pretty cool and easy-going, and we're in a first grade room doing a social studies unit on natural resources. Our cooperating teacher is going to be a huge help -- she offered to help us find books to use and provide some materials, etc. I've been learning a lot of cool things to use in a classroom in terms of activities, management tips, and the like, so it'll be great to get to try them out! It is kind of overwhelming having no idea where to start with lesson planning and such, but that's what this is all about. It's essentially a low dosage of what student teaching will be like. (Oh, student teaching...such a terrifying phrase...this time in 2 years I will be in some random place in the country...I don't even know where...probably all alone...yikes!!!)
Oy, this time next week I'll be home. =o)
Happy weekending!
~"There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, a beautiful release...maybe you'll find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel. " ["Angel" - Sarah McLachlin...my favorite song of hers, and definitely in my top 5 favorite songs of all time]~
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Beautiful love.
I was doing a bit of poking around online earlier (it is, after all, that time of the school year when motivation is hard to come by), and I came across a quote that I just had to write down right away.
"The key to being beautiful is always to be looking at someone who loves you, really." [-Julia Roberts]
Whether you are looking toward a family member, a close friend, a significant other, or our absolutely amazing and glorious God, realize that there is always somebody loving you. Take that love and relish it, reflect it. Don't be afraid to let yourself be loved, even if you don't feel like you deserve that love. One of the most beautiful parts of love is how freely it can be given to anyone. It is a choice. It is a gift. It is a blessing.
"The key to being beautiful is always to be looking at someone who loves you, really." [-Julia Roberts]
Whether you are looking toward a family member, a close friend, a significant other, or our absolutely amazing and glorious God, realize that there is always somebody loving you. Take that love and relish it, reflect it. Don't be afraid to let yourself be loved, even if you don't feel like you deserve that love. One of the most beautiful parts of love is how freely it can be given to anyone. It is a choice. It is a gift. It is a blessing.
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