Easy, Tiger.

After church, I come home, make coffee, and sit for a while. My companions are my Bible, a pen, and paper. A one-on-one date with God.

A time of opening up

speaking honestly

listening intently.

Everything I wrote in yesterday's post still plagues me. I struggle to find words I needed to find, regret not deleting the post last night and writing something else instead. But it was true. It was real. And it was raw. I still feel some pieces missing, some things left unsaid. It makes me uneasy not to have the words.

But then I read this:

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. [Romans 8:26]

So the Holy Spirit finds that words fall short sometimes, too, huh? I'm glad I'm not the only one.

But God still hears and knows anyways because the Holy Spirit makes it work. That's just plain awesome right there.

And that's when I finally say it to myself, the phrase I so often say teasingly to others or to my car when it gets overzealous: Easy, Tiger.

Sometimes with lots of emotions comes a flood of words. And sometimes there's a drought. But it's okay. God still gets it. And really and truly, because of that, it's all good...even in those moments it doesn't feel that way.

A nudged heart, a whisper as I set my pen down:

Understanding will come in time. Be patient, and it will come. Cling to what is good, right, and true for now, and that will carry you. I will carry you. Fear not. Worry not. I love you.

~"Whether we are high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." [Romans 8:39]~

Sometimes There's No Understanding to Try to Lean On

Sometimes I just get so angry at God for breaking hearts, for letting pain happen. I always know it the back of my mind that there's a reason, and someday I'll be able to look back and see the good there

...but in the meantime, it just stinks.

He never misled us by giving us promises that everything would be a-okay in life. No, quite the opposite. He told us that being followers of the cross would be tough stuff. That doesn't make sense until we're knee deep in muck, though, and then it hits us, "Oh, this is the stuff God was talking about."

God's always in control.

He always has a plan.

Life never goes how we plan, but that's because our plans are pretty lame compared to His plans. If we had it our way,

we'd never suffer,

we'd never sob any gut-wrenching tears,

and nobody would die.

If we had it our way, we'd really mess things up.

No, God's got this.

He's always got this.

We might not understand it,

we might cry,

we might get angry,

we might doubt,

but we must "lean not on [our] own understanding." ( I don't remember the reference off the top of my head. It's somewhere in the Bible. Proverbs, I think.)

[I'm taking a hiatus from the picture challenge. I might just throw in the towel on it. It seems so insignificant, so pointless right now.]

~"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." [-Kahlil Gibran]~

My First House Guest

My mom is a rock star.

Every picture frame, clock, poster, mirror, and bulletin board is hung in my house.

My 50-some odd book buddies in my classroom are matched with their stuffed animals and packaged up nicely.

My grocery content has gone up this week.

And I have somebody to watch The Little Mermaid with me. Voluntarily.

Thanks, Mom. :)

Better Late Than Never

A classroom and an apartment: beyond the initial settling in stages and into the throes of getting decorated.

My spaces.

And the beauty in the form of so much love, so much help and support.

There aren't enough words for life lately...but it's all good. :)

Heartaching

Sometimes life throws reality checks your way, and there are no words that seem fair or right.

It was eerie to reminisce about CUC 2 days ago only to get a phone call yesterday that a...

[to say "friend" wouldn't be entirely truthful, but to say "acquaintance" seems like it falls short.]

floor mate and dining mate -- one of the people who lingered at the dinner table with us, whose laughter and jokes and intellect were a vital part of those memories -- died over the weekend.

I used to think I'd outgrown the idea that we're invincible but I don't really think so. I don't think it will ever stop taking me by surprise when things of this nature happen.

And it makes me ache for the times when I take the people in my life for granted.

I've been thinking about CUC and remembering so many things.

And I'm ashamed to think of time that's gone by, of putting off getting in touch with people who meant so much, taking people for granted, and letting life come between friendships that have meant so much.

My heart breaks for the friends and family of such a beautiful, intelligent, and sweet girl. My prayers and thoughts are with those of you whose heartbreak is beyond what this heart is feeling.

~"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." [Rev. 21:4]~

[Literally] Old School: Mission 3rd Krauss

First and foremost: a huge thanks for offered words of advise and encouragement lately. This girl's heart needed it. We all need that extra bit of love sometimes. And I'm grateful for those who have been willing to give it.

Day 5: A Picture Of Your Favorite Memory

I'm not a fan of having to pick one favorite anything. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they will tell you that 1) I am indecisive and 2) any question of a favorite will end in a list (oh, how I love lists) of subcategories of favorites because my favorite one day will not be my favorite the next; it changes with my mood.

To that end, then, I present you with one of my favorite memories, sub-categorized under "CUC Days". Ladies and gents, I give you a scene from one of the first few weeks of freshman year while living on ye ol' 3rd Krauss, the Mouse House. We called this the evening of Mission 3rd Krauss. I now give you the 10 steps necessary for said Mission:

Step 1: Get bored on a weekend.

Step 2: Decide to decorate the hall.

Step 3: Realize need for big sheets of paper.

Step 4: Plan how to get big sheets of paper from the community center across campus.

Step 5: Make a detailed plan on how to sneak from Point A (3rd Krauss) to Point B ( the KCC). Include strict instructions to make James Bond-esque rolls along the way.

Step 6: Dress accordingly with the "mission" mindset. (I don't think this is what Concordia had in mind when they encouraged "missions".)

Step 7: Dart across campus, roll a few times for good measure here and there, duck behind bushes, and do this all with minimal talking and giggling. Ignore any and all people who look and/or ask, "What's going on?" Just run and secure the goods.

Step 8: When goods are secured, repeat process of getting to KCC, but in reverse. And, for the sake of the preservation of the paper, with less James Bond-style rolling.

Step 9: Return to 3rd Krauss with the sweet, sweet taste of victory...and a lot of paper.

Step 10: Proceed in hanging up paper to decorate the hall. Make masking tape outlines of friends on the floor in the hallway.

Oh, that and so many other memories make that my favorite floor to have lived on in college. Remind me to tell you sometime about the time our floor was quarantined. Future post?

~"A college education should equip one to entertain three things: a friend, an idea, and oneself." [-Thomas Ehrlich]~

Another Blow to the Moses Mindset

God continues to squash my Moses mentality every day that I'm here. You know, those doubts that try to talk me out of feeling okay here, that try to make me feel like I should just pack up, move home, and stay inside my comfort zone.

Today the Moses mindset started with being nervous about going to a new church by myself. This is actually the first time I've had to do that. But I got there and saw the teacher I'm replacing along with her granddaughter, who will be in my class this year. I was greeted by two big hugs and smiles, and there went a little bit more of that Moses mindset.

Up went my excitement factor for meeting my students.

Tomorrow's another first: a meeting with a student's parent. I'm fervently praying for wisdom, words, and peace. First impressions are intimidating. And then it's onward with the classroom prep...yikes. One step at a time.

Okay, time to switch gears to that photo challenge again.

Day 4: A Picture of Your Night

~"Don't be afraid to expand yourself, to step out of your comfort zone. That's where the joy and the adventure lie." [-Herbie Hancock]~